An Argument for No Northwestern University Classes on Presidents Day

Fuck yeah. (via deviantart)

In 1776, one country dawned in a time of great uncertainty. The Communists hated the freedoms of this new nation conceived in liberty; the Canadians – the Canadians![1] – would soon go on to defeat this new country in war (twice); the leader of this republic, George Washington, was battling dentures, a vicious, dirty campaign from Frank Underwood (spoiler alert, sorry), and the Germans on the Western Front. But from all of this emerged a beautiful, proud nation. A nation that celebrated its leaders.

Yes, Northwestern University Administration, I am talking about America. And yes, Northwestern University Administration, this nation – OUR nation – beat the odds. From those dark times emerged

Russian to Sell American Dream to Saps

If Morty thinks buying a sports complex is enough to get him adequately ripped for this position, it’s going to be a sad, amateur routine at the commencement.

I was recently reading the Facebook news and was shocked to find that Russian Mikhail Kalishnikov will be speaking at the Northwestern commencement address. I had likely received this information in the sprinkling of Northwestern news and race-scandal e-bulletins sometime in the past 48 hours, mailed direct to my spam folder. It was as I finished reading the title of the article and promptly commenced writing this article that I found the selection odd. (Are moments that happened within the past minute and a half, thoughts still knocking around in your skull, considered the past or present? They haven’t stopped happening, but they definitely started in a period before the present.)¹

Not only was I blown away that they had managed to book the 65-year-old former former Soviet Union athlete/ballerino/Magic Mikhail spinoff Caucasus Films production co-star, but that Morty was willing to pay the postage for correspondence to Siberia. I guess I gave him more credit, but than again I am a Sherman Ave writer.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Bicycles at NU

Testicular cancer? No way bro.

Before I came to Northwestern, it had been 3 years since I had ridden a bicycle for, well, socially acceptable purposes. Like most high school students, I felt that riding a bicycle was incredibly lame compared to owning a car, and even though most students at my high school did not own a car, getting a ride from your mom was still considered cooler than riding your bicycle (LOGIC BOMB). Nowadays, riding your bike is “hip,” “cool,” “environmentally friendly,” “a political endorsement of socialism,” etc. At Northwestern, riding your bike is a super viable way of getting to such important locations as: the student center that no one is close to; that place on Clarke that’s practically off-campus but for some reason they have classes there; your local alcohol purveyor; and many more. It’s important to understand whether owning and operating a bicycle at NU is the right decision for you. The following is a personal 2^nd amendment-centric manifesto confessional sexual novel handy guide on biking at NU.

Why Silver Medalists Are So Sadface

You’ve devoted your whole life to the game. It’s all you’ve ever wanted. Winning gold is the only thing that could ever matter. You cannot fail. You will not fail. Except that, like, you failed. And now you’re stuck with silver.

That’s the plight that at least half of Olympians probably face at the conclusion of their event (sorrz guyz, I’m absolutely NOT doing any research for this). But that’s not why they all look so tickered on the medal stand. No, no. They have much better reasons than that! So, with a big old hat tip to this post from Yahoo! we proudly present the real reasons that silver medalists* have had such sour faces on the medal stand:

American McKayla Maroney.

Russian Victoria Komova.

China’s Ning Ding.

Brit Christine Ohuruogu.

Belarussian Aliaksandra Herasimenia.

American 4×100 free relay.

*Note: These are legit all silver medalists either right after winning silver  losing gold or on the podium.