Hodor from Game of Thrones delivers famous movie quotes (pt.II)

If only Hodor was in every movie.

The Inferno: The Nine Circles of Valentine’s Day

Until recently, I had never been empathetic to the disease known as celebrating Valentine’s Day alone (symptoms of which include depression, overeating, and whining about February 14^th on any and all forms of social media). When you’ve ridden solo for nearly two decades’ worth of Valentine’s festivities, Singles Awareness Day eventually becomes a peaceful, practically meditative experience; instead of cry-sterbating and eating a tub of ice cream at my own personal pity party each year, I enjoyed a joyful day of solitude filled with a slew of rewarding personal activities (Okay, they’re the exact same activities as a pity party, minus the crying). While images of “love” and “happy couples” plagued me at work or school, I could safely journey home to escape any reminders of how depressingly sucky counter-culture it is to be single.

Never understood why Dante was such a big Static Shock fan (via toonbarn.com)

Well, that was until this year, for when I moved in with my roommate, I also unwittingly moved in with her boyfriend and all their couple-y bliss.

We Made These Pledge Mom Week Posters So You Don’t Have To

Predicting the hottest trends of 2014: Bouncy Castles, the Internet, and Miranda Cosgrove, oh my

With every new year comes new fashions and trends. Last year we had twerking, the Harlem Shake, Miley Cyrus, masturbating while crying, and Klondike® bars. What will be hip, hop, and happening in 2014? Our expert analysts have done some digging to find out.

1. Miranda Cosgrove

Some call her the “Next Miley Cyrus,” others say they knew her back when she was just that annoying girl from School of Rock (Summer Wheatley, Class Factotum). When she stars in the next Hunger Games movie, she will become the newest sensation, until things start to hit rock bottom when the fame gets to her head. Her heroin addiction, only discovered when she passes out from an overdose on her first nude photoshoot, will be what puts her firmly in the spotlight for the year.

2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll: Results

If there’s one thing Sherman Ave prides itself on, it’s follow through. That, and our stunning mastery of the entire AP U.S. History Flashcard set. So, in the hopes of amping you up to take the 2013 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll, here are the results of last year’s 2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll. Enjoy the blast from the heinous past.

Most Heinous Event of 2012

With 18% of the vote, the winner was: Evanston revoking the Keg’s liquor license. The Keg may not have survived the wrath of Tizzy, but it did manage to eke out a one-vote victory over the advent of #YOLO, followed closely by the I Agree With Markwell campaign and the notorious Vandy seal clubbing scandal. Rest in peace, old friend. We swear to hold you forever in our memory by linking to this every goddamn opportunity we get.

15 Reasons Why You Don’t Need No Man

1. You are a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man to validate her self-worth.
   

   All hail the queen.

2. Your best friends will never think anyone is good enough for you (and they’re probably right).
   

   Your girls: Always there when you need ’em.

3. This is a thing.

46 Buzzfeed Articles That Will Probably Be Written

Four puppies that think you should reread “The Awakening.”

• 16 Semen Stains That Look Just Like Ryan Gosling
• 30 Adorable Kittens That Will Give You An Erection If You’re Into Bestiality
• 8 Pictures of Gay Marriages That Will Make You Uncomfortable But You Won’t Say Anything
• 13 Of The Most Original Colonies

US Supreme Court Rules Against Gay Marriage Due to Lack of Changed Facebook Profile Pictures

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid heated national scrutiny Monday afternoon the Supreme Court handed down an unprecedented 5-4 decision denying LGBT individuals the right to marriage equality. The Court, in a fiery ruling composed by Justice Kennedy, upheld California’s Prop 8 banning same-sex marriage on the basis of a lack of social media presence.

While Kennedy’s decision cited multiple reasons for his ruling, his majority opinion predominantly focused on the popular Facebook trend of changing one’s profile picture to a pink equals sign superimposed on a red field.

Fictional Characters I’d Like to F*CK

I’d let him call me Your Worshipfulness any day

With all this talk of the end of the world, I’ve had plenty of time to think about all the men things I wish I could have done before we all face inevitable doom. And, because I’m home for winter break and there is absolutely nothing to do in this godforsaken town except watch TV and get drunk, these thoughts naturally led me to wonder about all the fictional characters I’ve been spending so much time watching. This list could (and does) go on forever, but I have narrowed it down to a select few. If there were a party large enough to contain all the sexy characters ever to grace our television sets, these men would be on the VIPenis list.

WE’RE RICH, BITCH

“It’s too big, it’s too wide. It’s too strong, it won’t fit. It’s too much, it’s too tough.”

To be fair, a disproportionate amount of NU's revenue comes from my expenditures at the Norris Crepe Station

Yes, Beyoncé is talking about Morty’s endowment. Northwestern’s endowment for 2011 was over $7 billion.

Oh, you didn’t think I was talking about money? Yeah. Apparently, we’re one of the wealthiest schools in the country. You could power trip about it, or you could feel slightly guilty that we’re now the 1%. Either way, let’s take celebratory body shots of coconut rum off your rich friends and burn some money, you wealthy motherfuckers!

Now, what to do with all this cash? Free tuition for everyone, you say? No, too boring. I get way too much pleasure watching my parents struggle to pay for my elitist education. May I suggest some of my deepest desires/ guilty pleasures that would be worthwhile investments that Northwestern University could make on my behalf?

1. Segways
Think about it: if every student was granted a Segway upon entering Northwestern, our campus would drastically change. March through the Arch? No, no. Segway through the Arch! Wait for Safe Ride to carry your sorry ass around? No, I’m good. I’ve got a ride. Segways are the vehicle of choice for the unarmed police patrolling the sorority quad for Smartphone Pirates, so they are clearly the safest vehicle out there, right next to your mom’s massive “I’ll crush the other car in any accident” SUV. I bet Morty would be down to construct a Segway polo arena too.

2. Abolish School of Comm and replace it with a petting zoo
ZOMG baby animalzzzz! Let’s be honest: Comm and Bienen kids grow up to be ungrateful starving artists that don’t return money to their alma mater, and petting zoos are a better investment, and soooo much fun! Stressed about midterms? Go pet a goat. Don’t forget take-home-tea-cup-puppies for everyone!

Is it fair for these beautiful Medilldo's to have to get ugly Economics and Poli Sci majors to buy them drinks?

3. Plastic Surgery
The men of Northwestern have consistently been graded C+ for their looks. We shouldn’t be forced to drunkenly slobber all over these ball-sack looking fratty bros we call men. Let’s fix this, ladies. If Northwestern granted facial reconstruction surgery to every male, we could have a slightly more attractive campus. Attractive men mean slorry women, so it won’t be hard to convince the guys. However, these soon-to-be harlots are getting a little chunky. Too much Segwaying and too little SPACing. Worry not. Liposuction for everyone! Now we’ve managed to create some silicon-injected, more attractive dudes and some less cottage-cheesy girls. Everyone procreate!

4. Bring Ryan Gosling to NU
Yes, it would technically be prostitution to solicit sex from a person for money. But we have 7 BILLION DOLLARS. Now get that tight ass into a Speedo, Ryan, and get it in my lap chop chop!

5. Real Condoms
The free condoms kinda suck. Everyone already thinks we’re spoiled brats, so let’s go all the way (literally): It’s not enough that we get free protection from sex! The lube must remain lubey for AS LONG AS WE TAKE. And Louis Vuitton condoms, too. Kthanx.

They could give rides for children on their segways in the petting zoo!

6. Remove the Parking Police and put them in the petting zoo
Being from a nearby area (but not LTHS, fuck you very much) I have had the luxury of occasionally bringing a motor vehicle to campus. However, the parking police from both Evanston and Northwestern are heartless, elitist, Bitter Motherfuckers who have determined to make parking on campus as difficult and convoluted as possible (did you know that enforcement starts at 7:30, but the office where you can get visitor hangtags doesn’t open til 8?). Overall they have devoted more of their time to fining girls parked illegally by accident for 15 minutes than to arresting the Smartphone Pirates and those guys my boyfriend nearly got mugged by. Clearly they were inadequately loved as children. Let’s keep them in the petting zoo, where they will learn that expressing vulnerable emotions will be positively reinforced with attention and love from girls with daddy problems.* We can release them once they have learned to take joy in fuzzy bunnies and sheep rather than other people’s unfortunate parking misfortunes.

7. Cotton Candy Everyday
Fuck diabetes. They’ll provide free insulin too.

–Bristol Bacchus and Eleanor Kinkervoss

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*One consideration: Where will the daddy-problem girls come from now that we’ve gotten rid of all the theater students?