The Kentucky Derby Trip is Decadent and Depraved

Sherman Ave countercultural correspondent Evander Jones recounts last year’s drunken, debauched scene at the infield of Churchill Downs.

I GOT OFF the charter bus around midnight and no one spoke as I walked into the Seymour, Indiana Days Inn. The air was thick and hot, like wandering into the men’s bathroom of the Keg. Inside, people hugged each other and shook hands … big grins and a whoop here and there: “By God! You old bastard! Come here bro.”

In the air-conditioned lounge I met an Econ major who said his name was something or other — “but just call me Jimbo” — and he was here to get it on. “I’m ready for anything, by God! Anything at all. Yeah, what are you drinkin?” I ordered a Margarita with ice, but he wouldn’t hear of it: “Naw, naw … what the hell kind of drink is that for Kentucky Derby time? What’s wrong with you, boy?” He grinned and winked at the bartender. “Goddam, we gotta educate this boy. Get him some good whiskey … ”

I shrugged. “Okay, a double Old Fitz on ice.” Jimbo nodded his approval.

The Pros and Cons of the NBA Lockout

Dear God, please don't force us to follow the NHL instead

Tense labor relations have always held a special place in America, from the Pullman Strike of 1894 to the recent Writers Guild strike that cost the American entertainment industry $500 million and Jay Leno the remaining shreds of his humor. But this year’s NBA lockout ranks among the more important and entertaining labor wars in U.S. history, pitting millionaires against mega-millionaires in one of the most asinine power struggles since Congress appointed a joint committee to reduce the debt.

Now, with the NBPA rejecting David Stern’s ultimatum and sending negotiations into a “nuclear winter,” the 2011-2012 NBA season is in more danger than an intoxicated Freshman girl in the 3rd floor of SAE. Besides not having to pay $55 for nosebleed seats to watch the Bulls play the Timberwolves in one of the least inspired athletic performances since Shaq in Kazaam, here are the pros and cons of losing this year’s entire NBA season to the lockout.

PROS

Do you see a ring on this finger?

LeBron James Goes Another Season without a Ring
With a quarter of the season cancelled so far and the rest of the season in jeopardy, it seems likely that the Whore of Akron will be blue balled for yet another year. Don’t get me wrong, the idea of King James barnstorming with All-Stars in high school gymnasiums is an awesome idea. I just hope that the players spring for trained CPR professionals to be on hand for when LeBron chokes in the fourth quarter.

Increased Focus on College Basketball
Without pro basketball, we can all devote more attention to the real games. Not that watching the Toronto Raptors play the Oklahoma City Thunder isn’t fascinating, but I’d much rather watch student athletes give it their all night after night than watch Blake Griffin dunk on the Trail Blazers. And when it comes to the playoffs, Virginia Commonwealth beating Kansas offers far more suspense and drama than the Celtics beating the Knicks in four straight games.

The Fall of David Stern
Who knew that a miniscule white man could be so goddamn overbearing? The same commissioner who instituted a dress code to make players look less “urban” has managed to lose both control over the owners and the trust of the players with his negotiating tactics that make Stalin look like Neville Chamberlain on estrogen. The smugly arrogant man did great things for basketball, but his days seem numbered.

Wait, they ACTUALLY call travelling over here!?

Turkish Basketball
With the signing of All-Star Deron Williams, Beşiktaş Milangaz immediately became a Turkish Basketball League powerhouse. With the possible addition of Kevin Love, Carlos Boozer, and Luol Deng, the Fighting Black Eagles have a chance to be the 1995-1996 Chicago Bulls of the EuroChallenge. And nothing beats watching 8,000 screaming Turks watching a basketball game.

CONS

Increased Focus on Northwestern Basketball
More time to devote to college basketball means more time to devote to Northwestern basketball, which means more time to suffer from heartbreaking embarrassment. Seeing as the Wildcats have yet to reach the NCAA Tournament, and hasn’t even finished above fourth place in the Big Ten since the Tet Offensive, the odds seem a bit stacked against us. Although it certainly does feel good to dominate the Texas-Pan American Broncos, even an NIT win would feel pretty good.

Thank goodness we still have the Puppy Bowl

ESPN Programming Post-Super Bowl
ESPN’s programming after the Super Bowl and March Madness can get pretty dire before baseball season starts up again even in non-lockout years. But without basketball highlights, SportsCenter won’t have anything to discuss besides the top 100 greatest chessboxers of all time, while ESPN broadcasts nothing but Cheese Chasing and arena football at night.

No Derrick Rose
Probably one of the most tragic aspects of the lockout is that it prevents us from watching Derrick Rose lead the Bulls with his lightning-quick crossover and fearlessness in the key. The MVP is the pointguard of Thibodeau’s dreams, and has been key to the the Bulls’ recent success. If I miss out on the opportunity to watch Rose because a lot of rich men want to be richer, I might punch the nearest kitten.

A much simpler time in basketball history

Loss of Greed and Theatricality
The NBA has a stunning lack for both, and both the players and the managers have displayed their inordinate desire to get more than they need (or deserve), and to try and look good while they do it. No American sports league has ever had a higher average salary. It’s difficult to side with either party while they bicker over how much they should profit from Tomahawk jams and jersey sales, cancelling games and fucking over not just the fans, but every NBA arena employee trying to support their families by selling $9 bottles of Miller Genuine Draft to season ticket holders.

The 5 Historical Figures You’d Least Like To See at a Frat Party

Hmmm... why don't you make that THREE kegs of Busch Light

5. Henry Kissinger
I love getting into heated political discussions whilst heavily inebriated as much as the next guy, but there comes a point when you have to draw the line. Yes, Henry Kissinger was one of the greatest political thinkers of the 20th century, but that by no means gives him a place at a frat party. First of all, the guy is older than balls. We must consider the rule of three: If someone has lived to see three presidents die in office, they are too old to set foot in a frat house. Additionally, we must consider the other rule of three: If someone has spent three or more years of their life working under the Nixon administration, they are too heinous to set foot in a frat house.

4. William Howard Taft
Oh, for fuck’s sake! These things are already crowded enough. If we throw a 400-pound man into the mix, we’re completely forfeiting our ability to move. If he was excessively overweight but also cool, like Buddha, then it would be worth sacrificing our mobility, but in reality, he’s just a complete twat. And worse yet, knowing that the presidency didn’t satisfy Taft, and he became a member of the Supreme Court after his presidency, it’s probable that he would not be satisfied by frat parties, and would find it necessary to go The Keg afterwards – another establishment that is already too crowded and doesn’t need yet another morbidly obese man further clogging up the place.

I need a drink, and I need it NOW!

3. Susan B. Anthony
There are some things that feminists simply should not see. The 21st century is one of them. If Susan B. Anthony were to tragically find herself on the 3rd floor of SAE, there are a few possible outcomes. The most likely result is that she would spend about five minutes observing the social phenomenon before her, and then spend the remainder of the party obnoxiously screaming about the oppression of women. However, there’s always the off-chance that she would follow the mold, get unnecessarily trashed, and wake up the next morning on the roof of Swift next to some rando from Pike. Regardless, rather than experimenting with the frat scene, she would be better off where she is now: on the front of gold dollars that stopped being minted in 2001.

2. Charles Dickens
If Dickens couldn’t stand the living conditions of post-industrial England, there’s no way he could stand the living conditions of the DU basement. People go to frat parties to be social, not to watch some elderly British assbag sitting in a corner writing in a romanticized manner about the hardships of being dateraped. However, if Dickens were to experience a frat party, it would very likely have had a tremendous effect on his novels. Oliver Twist would have been ejected from his workhouse not for requesting more food, but for pregaming an 18-hour work shift. Other novels, such as Nicholas Nicklebro and A Tale of Two Titties, would even further deviate from Dickens’ traditional literary style.

Columbus wearing the traditional "party foul" tricorn hat

1. Christopher Columbus
For those of us who have been to frat parties at Northwestern, we know that there are already enough people on power-trips – doormen, bartenders, Sir Twattingworth III, and the like. The last thing we need is some dickbasket walking in, claiming the dilapidated ZBT house in the name of King Ferdinand of Spain, and transmitting diseases to sorority girls (syphilis, PiPhilis, GammaPhilis, etc.). Furthermore, his methods of colonization would hardly work at a frat party; the amount of germs being exchanged is already maximized, and it’s far too hot for anyone to accept a blanket. That being said, there’s something very charming about the notion of three wooden ships landing on North Beach.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Evanston

After immersing yourself for a few weeks in the infamous college lifestyle, you’ll be surprised to discover that – just a few blocks from that wall of Jones on which you triumphantly urinated – there is a real city with real people. As easy as it is to be insulated in Northwestern’s spectacular campus, the city of Evanston is a great resource. The following comprehensive guide to key businesses in Evanston will assist you in your efforts to take advantage of the city (omitting Burger King and The Keg, since we’ve already explained their glorious nature).