OkCupid Profile: Thomas Jefferson

Gender: I am male

Orientation: I am straight

Status: I am married, but seeking every piece of tail I can get some action on the side.

Birthdate: April 13, 1743. I am old, but experienced 😉

Your location: Second Continental Congress, Philadelphia.

June Heinous First-Round Results: Keystone Light Division

On to the Sweet Sixteen!

So this happened. But then these happened. Long story short, May Heinous has now become mid-June Heinous. And without further ado, we present to you the final results of the first round, coming out of the vaunted Keystone Light Division.

Leonardo da Vinci/Peter the Great vs. Mahatma Gandhi/Sitting Bull
Winner: Leonardo da Vinci/Peter the Great
This game was a tough lesson for those out there identifying themselves as proponents of peace. Peter the Great was a powerhouse, skillfully managing a fire-ice victory over the Indian and the Indian. Gandhi, to no one’s surprise, had an astronomically low tolerance, despite the fact that he had consumed two grains of rice instead of one in an attempt to boost his body’s ability to tolerate alcohol. After drinking one measly cup of Keystone Light, he wasted no time in taking off his shirt (although he had to put it on in order to then take it off) and boast about his killer “six-pack,” before Sitting Bull solemnly pointed out that ribs don’t count. Sitting Bull played rather well, actually, possibly due to the stirring “make-it-rain dance” he performed before the match, but it simply wasn’t enough to compensate for Gandhi’s blatant slizzeredness.

Leon Trotsky/Sally Hemings vs. Florence Nightingale/Pope John Paul II
Winner: Leon Trotsky/Sally Hemings
Despite Sally Hemings inherent distrust of prestigious white men, she and L-Trots were able to glide to an easy victory against JP2 and Florence “Glorified Nurse” Nightingale. John Paul II, while a pretty admirable man, is really not an excellent beer pong player; his frail physique hardly allowed him to get the ball to the other side of the table. Nightingale, on the other hand, was too preoccupied with the unmistakable alcohol poisoning of the man lying on the floor under the table (as it turned out, it was Gandhi, who hadn’t yet recovered from the 3 ounces of Keystone Light he had consumed in the previous game). Trotsky and Hemings didn’t display stellar athletic ability, but they still had no trouble knocking out the Pope and the Nurse and advancing to the second round.

Ernest Hemingway/Teddy Roosevelt vs. Winston Churchill/Frida Kahlo
Winner: Ernest Heminway/Teddy Roosevelt
This game would have been far less competitive than it was had Hemingway and Roosevelt not decided to pregame the event by sipping cognac outside of their favorite Spanish bar as they pondered the war. Nevertheless, the Grizzled Guzzlers methodically annihilated their opponents, rough riding their way to a four-cup victory. Hemingway would go on to recount the game at his blog, dgaf.blogspot.com, saying, “I stood at the table drunk. I looked over at Teddy and he was drunk too. There was a fat man and an ugly woman across the table from us. I looked at them. I told Teddy we had to win and he agreed with me. I threw my ping pong ball at the red solo cup and it went in. They drank their beer. I drank my beer. The beer was not good and very warm. I thought about the war some more and how the ugly woman laughed at the fat man when he missed. By that time the game was over and we drank less beer than they did. Teddy and I went back to the house to find some weed.”

Thurgood Marshall/John McCain vs. Isaac Newton/Leopold II
Winner: Thurgood Marshall/John McCain
Isaac “Sir Troll” Newton proved himself one of the worst beer pong players in recorded history in this game, somehow ruining Leopold II’s chances of defeating a sub-mediocre team. While I feel bad that he is no longer a virgin after the ass-sex administered to him by the American political duo, it really is astounding that he was unable to use his extensive understanding of the laws of physics to at least make one cup; Newton demonstrated unequivocally that trollitude can be created, but never destroyed. King Leopold II, on the other hand, was an absolute all-star, managing to make 8 cups before falling to Marshall and McCain. There were, however, many uncomfortable moments between Leopold and Marshall, especially when Leopold II casually asked Marshall if he could go find him some nice ivory.

May Heinous Breakdown: Keystone Light Division

Grab some stones.

Time is almost up to submit your May Heinous bracket to Sherman Ave for your chance to grasp the Morty Schapiro Cup! To compete for this vaunted prize, not to mention eternal glory, download your bracket and submit it to us at shermanave1@gmail.com. Now without further ado, here’s our preview of the Keystone Light Division that Evander Jones scrambled to put together (with the aid of Brother Jürgen) before tonight’s deadline.

Perfectly engineered to dominate the pong table.

Leonardo Da Vinci and Peter the Great
Da Vinci is among the most diversely talented humans who ever lived (second only to this guy), and archeologists have discovered entire notebooks of Da Vinci’s devoted to researching the kinematically perfect beer pong bounce shot. It has also long been rumored that Da Vinci’s The Last Supper is actually a depiction of Jesus clearing his table for a game of pong, a crucial plot point in Dan Brown’s next novel. Peter the Great, meanwhile, has been listed by reputable academic journals as one of the broist figures in history, thanks in a large part to his latent alcoholism, filicidism, and mustache. Pre-tournament polls placed the team at a close second behind rival Keystone Light Division heavyweights Hemingway and Roosevelt in the “pure man” category. Look for Da Vinci and Peter the Great to either go far in the tournament, or invent helicopters to wage a war against the Turks.
Strengths: Science, Being Russian
Weaknesses: No freshwater ports, Opus Dei
Team Cohesiveness: 8.5/10
First-Round Opponents: Mohandas Gandhi and Chief Sitting Bull
–Evander Jones

I wonder what the feather symbolizes…

Mohandas Gandhi and Chief Sitting Bull
As of press time, it remains unclear whether Gandhi and Sitting Bull will focus their efforts on sinking cups or writing open-letters protesting the lack of racial tolerance within this year’s May Heinous field of contenders. Analysts are excited to see how Gandhi’s policy of non-violent civil disobedience will mesh with Sitting Bull’s strategy of “Going Little Bighorn” on his opponents’ asses, but given both leaders’ propensity for getting assassinated, hold little hope for either. Expect Chief Bull to draw on knowledge he gained touring with Bill Cody’s Wild West Show, as Gandhi tries to force a victory by boycotting the tournament altogether.
Strengths: Crying single tears, Civil Disobedience
Weaknesses: Glasses, Bows and Arrows
Team Cohesiveness: 3/10
First-Round Opponents: Leonardo Da Vinci and Peter the Great
–Evander Jones

Hey there pretty lady.

Leon Trotsky and Sally Hemings
Leon Trotsky aka Snowball was the leader of the Russian Revolution’s Red Army until he was ousted by Stalin, that jerkface. Meanwhile, Sally Hemings gave birth to Thomas Jefferson’s children, despite the fact that she was, y’know, his slave. Um.
Strengths: Hemings will be used to the borderline sexual assault that accompanies most beer pong matches, while Trotsky was once rumored to have downed a fifth of vodka while leading the Red Army against 16 invading foreign armies.
Weaknesses: The fact that both of these people got fucked pretty hard in their lives (Trotsky in the sense that he was stabbed in the head with an icepick, and Hemings in the sense that she was literally fucked by the President) leads me to place them squarely in the category of “People Who Aren’t Badasses.”
Team Cohesiveness: 6/10. I don’t see any reason that they would disagree, except that Hemings might eventually get annoyed by Trotsky’s constant lectures about how she should lead a revolt against her masters and institute an egalitarian paradise and shut him out.
First-Round Opponents: Florence Nightingale and Pope John Paul II
–Brother Jürgen

Shawty, I roll up, I roll up

Florence Nightingale and Pope John Paul II
Florence Nightingale was famous for being really nice. She basically founded nursing. Pope John Paul II was the Pope of the Catholic Church until he died and was succeeded by a man who may have been a Nazi. During his long tenure, he helped overthrow Communism in Poland, survived an assassination attempt, and drove a Popemobile. As if that wasn’t boss enough, he is currently 2/3 of the way toward becoming a saint.
Strengths: Pope John Paul II survived an assassination attempt, which is more than his opponent Trotsky can say, and Florence Nightingale spent the majority of her life caring for wounded soldiers on gory Crimean battlefields. Their ability to win depends on whether you think their demonstrated hardness can be easily translated into alcohol resistance.
Weaknesses: Weaknesses are pretty obvious here, given that this is a beer pong contest, not a “which one of us is holier” contest. The number of combined beers drunk by this pair in their lifetimes is probably less than five.
Team Cohesiveness: 9/10. Both of these people are pretty nice and holy. I predict them getting along well, and if their ability to survive wars and revolutions develops into an ability to survive copious amounts of shitty keg beer, their chemistry will only improve.
First-Round Opponents: Leon Trotsky and Sally Hemings
–Brother Jürgen

Swag.

Ernest Hemingway and Teddy Roosevelt
Hemingway and Roosevelt bring forth even more masculinity than Chuck Norris giving the Dos Equis Man a reach-around. The resulting Norris/Equis facial would not even compare to the payoff provided by these two titans of testosterone, quite possibly the two most virile men this great nation has ever produced. Hemingway’s years of grizzly bear hunting, drinking, and misogyny have primed him for this year’s beer pong tournament, while Teddy Roosevelt remains the only American politician to not even take a shred of shit for being a progressive. Even if shot mid-game, expect the President to not only finish the game, but guzzle every remaining brew in sight.
Strengths: Graduating Oak Park River Forest High School, Wrecking Shit, Rough Riding
Weaknesses: n/a
Team Cohesiveness: 10/10
First-Round Opponents: Winston Churchill and Frida Kahlo
–Evander Jones

What were you saying about Adele?

Winston Churchill and Frida Kahlo
One continuous eyebrow says it all. These teammates have pluck, but it will probably take either a miracle or American military involvement to stave off a crushing defeat at the hands of Hemingway and Roosevelt. Churchill has famously proclaimed that his team shall “pong on the beaches, we shall pong on the landing grounds, we shall pong in the fields and in the streets, we shall pong in the hills, we shall pong in the basement of ZBT, and we shall never surrender,” but sources claim that the prime minister was “totally wasted” on scotch at the time, and promptly chundered in a wastebasket at the conclusion of his speech. Kahlo frequently attempts to use her unibrow to distract opponents, but it’s unclear how her uncompromising depiction of the female experience and form will translate into sinking cups.
Strengths: Cigars, National Resolve
Weaknesses: Polio, Unibrow
Team Cohesiveness: 3/10
First-Round Opponents: Ernest Hemingway and Teddy Roosevelt
–Evander Jones

Taken some time before compromising his soul in the 2008 election.

Thurgood Marshall and John McCain
The maverick team of Marshall and McCain are the wildcard contenders within the Keystone Light Division. Both are fighters, McCain surviving two presidential campaigns and torture at the hands of the North Vietnamese (not sure which is more taxing), while Marshall endured an equally torturous nineteen years on the Supreme Court with Justice Rehnquist. Marshall gained fame in the early 1960s as Solicitor General, arguing that rebuttal shots were a blatant violation of the equal protection clause of the 14th amendment, and McCain is a fierce proponent of beer pong finance reform, urging all beer pong hosts to limit expenditures on beer to a maximum of $15 per case. McCain has also been known to surge towards the end of his beer pong matches, usually hopeless mires of sectarian violence, in an attempt to claim victory.
Strengths: Jowls, NAACP
Weaknesses: Vetting VPs, Escaping capture
Team Cohesiveness: 7/10
First-Round Opponents: Isaac Newton and Leopold II
–Evander Jones

Pretty hard to believe he never got some.

Isaac Newton and Leopold II
You can’t spell “douchebag” without “chode,”* and both Newton and Leopold II are both chodes and total douchebags. Newton, for instance, not only stole the entire idea of differential calculus from Leibniz, but was extraordinarily proud to die a virgin. Leopold II of Belgium, however, was presumably too busy inventing waffles and brutally running the Congo as his own personal fiefdom/plantation to pay much attention in math class. It remains to be seen whether these two will use their pent-up sexual/racial aggression to their pong advantage, but one thing’s for certain: they’ll be total dicks about it no matter what.
Strengths: Extracting personal fortune from the natives, describing gravity and motion
Weaknesses: Getting one’s dick wet, public relations
Team Cohesiveness: 8/10
First-Round Opponents: Thurgood Marshall and John McCain
–Evander Jones

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*Fun Fact: You can.

Famous Moments in Hook Up History

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for two consenting parties to get their mutual rocks off, mankind has resorted time and time again to the perennial spectacle of the “Hook Up” in order to satisfy its carnal needs. From casual make-out sessions to all-out boot knocking, humans have been engaged in the barter of sexual favors pretty much ever since we evolved to develop the capacity for euphemisms, and at an increasingly rapid pace since the invention of alcohol, Cosmo, and the internet. But despite the interminable nature of this miraculous form of erotic consortium, there are some moments in hook up lore that truly stand above and beyond the rest of the fray. These aren’t just your run-of-the-mill regrettable one-night stands, but rather moments of extraordinary courage and fervor, where the libido of two humans changed the course of human history forever.

The evolutionary process enables humans to complete the walk of shame faster than any other mammal

48,000 BC: Caveman and Cavewoman
Historians have concluded that the first hook up in the history of man occurred approximately 20 minutes after Homo sapiens reached full behavioral modernity. The inaugural event, commemorated on cave walls and cave chat rooms everywhere, is rumored to have taken place at the annual Festival of the Woolly Mammoth, when a noticeably intoxicated caveman of the local Sig Ep tribe managed to seduce a female, forget her name at least three different times, and engage in a brief and thoroughly mediocre tryst with her. The next morning, the proud male reportedly never even considered hunting breakfast for her the next morning, and neglected to send smoke signals her way after a three-day waiting period. During their next encounter at a cave party in Lascoux, France, the two cordially greeted each other, but then quickly separated to avoid the shame and awkwardness that was to forever plague the human race.

Alright, my roommate's gone for the next 30 minutes. Let's see how fertile the Nile Delta really is.

41 BC: Cleopatra and Mark Antony
The inventor of the “power trip,” Cleopatra was never quite satisfied ruling over one of the greatest civilizations in the world or bearing Julius Caesar’s child. Instead, she cooped up in her love den with Marcus Antonius (the most tantalizing triumvir in all the Roman Empire) in what became one of the most geo-politically significant coitions of all time. Using highly sensitive facial recognition technology, archaeologists have determined that Cleopatra was approximately 56,000 times hotter than a combination between Brooklyn Decker and Pippa Middleton, which goes a long way to explaining why Antony preferred to get his freaky on in Alexandria than return to Rome and his wife Octavia. Pascal once that “Cleopatra’s nose, had it been shorter, the whole face of the world would have been changed,” which means that, had Cleopatra been less of a slampiece or Antony less of a gallant philanderer, Octavian might never have risen to power as Augustus, and the world never would have inherited such valuable cultural contributions from the Roman Empire as corrupt politicians, togas, and lax sexual mores.

"If I were casting for a modern film interpretation of our romance, I'd totally get Claire Danes to play you."

1591 AD: Romeo and Juliet
In a now classic move, two adolescents met each other for the first time at a lame party and fell instantly, nay noxiously, in love with the first person to ever requite their affection. This hook up practically wrote the template for horny teenagers using make-out sessions to rebel against their family, and imbued western society with a healthy dose of suspicion towards drug-dealing Friars that hang out with 15 year old girls. That, combined with the fact that any male who can recite the balcony scene is instantly guaranteed to get some at any time he so desires, makes Romeo and Juliet’s horrifically saccharine relationship qualify for a position amongst the masters of the art of the hook up.

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1788 AD: Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings
Jefferson’s 38-year relationship with his slave Hemings that produced 6 children born into slavery was not just one of numerous blights on American Presidential history and convoluted racial past, but also a testament to three of the most important aspects of most hook ups: lying, hypocrisy, and shame. It took major cojones to write that all men are created equal and born with unalienable rights, and then to turn around and use those cojones to knock up a slave. Like most other men, Jefferson never divulged the truth about his affair, and the shame of his duplicity still hangs over the nation even worse than the memory of that one time with those two theater majors and a bottle of rum.

You have no idea what's hidden beneath those robes.

1928 AD: Harry Blackmun and Tiffani Brooking
During Justice Blackmun’s junior year at Harvard, the Lambda Chi brother experienced a regrettable one-night stand with his Con Law study partner. The episode turned far more distressing, however, during the ensuing pregnancy scare. It is said that the tense period when Blackmun wondered if he would become a father at the age of 20 greatly affected the future Supreme Court Justice, eventually playing the deciding role in his authoring of the Court’s Roe v. Wade decision. The American hook up scene would be a much different world without Blackmun’s passionate advocacy of abortion rights, earning this jowly Minnesotan the distinction of having partaken in one of the most important hook ups in all hook up history.