Freshman Thrilled to see Hail for First Time

Wyn, prior to delving into the more intricate details of obtaining a medical marijuana license.

EVANSTON–An urgent 1845 Hinman suite conversation about where to find alcohol was derailed last Wednesday night by a Southern Californian freshman’s highly repetitive one-sided conversation about how he had lived his entire life without seeing the meteorological phenomenon known as a hail storm. The conversation would develop into a full-blown explanation of Californian culture.

The freshman student, Wyn Cohen, a native to La Jolla, California on San Diego’s north side, could not quite come to terms with how any individual–let alone greater Chicago’s six million people–could trade Midwestern weather for “California’s endless beach days.”

Paranoid Nerds Successfully Stop Zombie Outbreak

Mr. Swanson, brandishing his weapon of choice.

All eyes were on San Diego last week as the annual San Diego Comic Con was in full-swing, but what you may not have noticed was a sudden surge—and drop—in zombie attacks.

Yes, it appears that at approximately 11am Saturday morning, an unidentified bioweapon was unleashed in the San Diego Convention Center, immediately infecting over three dozen attendees and threatening thousands more. Why haven’t you heard about it? Because of the impressive—and somewhat disturbing—resourcefulness of the con’s many nerds.

Romney “Too Busy Celebrating Dr. King and Stuff” to Watch Inauguration

SAN DIEGO – Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced this afternoon that he was not able to watch President Obama’s inauguration ceremony, as he was preoccupied with his personal celebration of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and those kinds of things.

Mr. Romney, who really spent a lot of time today reflecting on race equality and shit like that, did express remorse that he didn’t get to watch the inauguration.  “I’m sure it would have been really cool to see President Obama say some things about his presidency,” stated Romney.  “But at the end of the day, it’s more important to me to spend the day thinking about the life and legacy of Dr. Mark Luther King, Jr., and, you know, his whole deal.”

Evanston in Your Mouth: Your Guide To Eating Out Around the Northwestern Campus

Dine so hard

Northern Evanston, home of Northwestern University, is a hub of diversity. From its upper-middle class homes, to its upper-middle class citizens, to its upper-middle class dogs in sweater vests – it is difficult to find a place with more cultural variance. Though the Evanston community is about as stereo-typically white as Drake’s Bar Mitzvah, it is actually home to a wide variety of restaurants.  In order to help the student body with its Evanston Dining Experience, Sherman Ave has developed a comprehensive guide to Evanston dining, categorized by mouthgasm rating:

ORAL ORGO

The restaurants in this category are less than enjoyable. The food is not necessarily bad, but like taking orgo, it will leave you bored, tired, and wanting to be drunk.