Advertisements
Tag Archives: Santa

How to Have a Heinous Holiday Party

19 Dec

Want to have a Christmas experience like we do at the Ave?

Here are just a few things you’ll need to make sure you have a Merry Heinmas:

1. Ugly sweaters, Santa hats, and reindeer antlers

Just the basics.

2. Alcohol

Lots and lots of alcohol. You wouldn’t want to hang out with your closest friends and family sober, now would you?

3. A good present

Suggestions: leather handcuffs, a framed picture of kittens, 300 pages of your Japanese homework, porn, three copies of a book that literally nobody likes, coal.

**SPOILERS** All of these presents contain porn.  Every last one.

**SPOILERS** All of these presents contain porn.

Continue reading

Advertisements

A Gentile’s Guide to Jewish Christmas

27 Nov

What is this “Hanukkah” I keep hearing about?

Pictured: Jewish Christmas Candle Thing

Pictured: Jewish Christmas Candle Thing

Hanukkah (which is Hebrew for ‘Christmas’), is a Jewish holiday which takes place sometime between October and February, celebrating the Jews discovering fire. They were so proud of this discovery that they decided to show off for over a week by lighting candles every night. But once they realized that Christmas was a thing, they knew they had to step up their game because there was no way that candles could compete with flying deer and bringing dirty trees into the living room. They evened the score by adding presents, food, games, and uncomfortable family conversations, essentially making it a drawn out version of Christmas. Continue reading

We Photoshopped Morty Into Famous Things So You Don’t Have To

3 Nov

Continue reading

Things I Wanted for Christmas but Didn’t Get

27 Dec
Do they even make Bacon Tequila?

Do they even make Bacon Tequila?

I only asked for a few things this Christmas, but unfortunately Santa decided to bring me socks and Chapstick instead. So, I’m reaching out to the loyal readers of the Ave. If you are still feeling the holiday spirit, I would love nothing more than to receive the following:
Continue reading

Things You Should Do During Christmas

24 Dec

There’s nothing quite like Christmas.  This special holiday has the power to get Fox news commentators up in arms, replace your favorite TV shows with endless holiday specials, and temporarily make it socially acceptable for certain bearded fat men to let children they don’t know sit on their laps.

However, once Christmas arrives, many people are unsure just what to do with this magical time.  Some sit around praying that they get the present they want (a night of passion with Jennifer Lawrence).  Others sit around with their family, listening for the millionth time to their grandfathers’ story of how he slept with Audrey Hepburn, and wishing they were anywhere else.  So, here’s a list of things you can do instead.
Continue reading