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Tag Archives: Sarah Palin

10 Gaffes Worse Than Todd Akin’s “Legitimate Rape” Comments

22 Aug

I’ve never met Todd Akin, but from listening to him speak in a seven second clip I’m going to go ahead and say that he’s a bad, bad, bad, bad person:

What you may be surprised to find out, however, is that Akin’s “legitimate rape” interview was far from the largest gaffe in American history. In fact, there have been at least ten worse statements by prominent politicians over the years:

10) George W. Bush: “Of course I don’t care about black people.”

After Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans in 2005, the Bush administration’s slow response was ridiculed by many prominent public figures and minority advocates. Also Kanye West. Ye thought that a telethon for the victims of the disaster would be the perfect time to point out that he believed that George Bush didn’t care about black people.

But the true gaffe was made days later when Bush was asked about the accusation in an interview. “Of course I don’t care about black people,” he said. “They’re different from me, ya know? And they never even vote for me. This can’t be, like, a surprise, right?” The interview set off a firestorm among the liberal media with their liberal agenda and liberal viewpoints who somehow interpreted the comments to mean that President Bush had intentionally crafted policies that failed to help the African American community.

9) John Hancock: “I thought that whole Declaration bit was a right good joke we were all having at his Majesty’s expense.”

His biopic was slammed for historical inaccuracies.

When John Hancock signed his name to the Declaration of Independence, he remarked to the room that he had signed it big enough for old King George to read it without having to put his glasses on. They all had a nice laugh. Except, Hancock apparently was confused about the entire stituation, believing his statement to be just a smaller joke in a larger prank about declaring independence from the world’s most powerful empire.

The gaffe came years later as Hancock was being billed for a presidential run. His place as a Declaration-signer made him one of the top candidates of 1806 when he sat down for an interview with People magazine.

“Well I certainly never thought I’d be here,” Hancock said. “I remember when Tom and George were first talking about declaring independence and we all had a laugh about the idea then went off to take some land away from Indians so that we could create West Virginia. That worked out, huh? Anyway, I thought that whole Declaration bit was a right good joke we were all having at his Majesty’s expense. Never in a million years thought we’d revolt. After all, we were paying absurdly low tax rates compared to other colonies and we had extraordinary new religious and cultural freedoms. It was just a bunch of whiny bitches who started the whole thing, tbh.”

8) Thomas Jefferson: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

Their sex tape nearly won an Oscar.

When Thomas Jefferson’s wife Martha confronted him about a half-black slave child living on their plantation who kept writing lengthy Constitutions to govern the land, Jefferson famously declared that “I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Not once have I sent for Sally Hemmings to come to our bedroom while you were out and made sweet, sweet love to her in our marriage bed.”

Moments later, Martha brought Sally Hemmings into the room who quickly announced that if Mr. Jefferson was going to ask for more of the sexi timez, he would have to acknowledge the children he had fathered with her from their many, many instances of intercourse. Jefferson was immediately impeached by the House of Representatives.

7) Joe Biden: “I only took the job assuming Obama would be dead by now.”

Joe Biden has made a career out of gaffes, but when Barbara Walters asked him if ever thought about running for president in 2016, Biden sent shockwaves across the Beltway. “Obviously, I only took the job assuming Obama would be dead by now,” he responded. “The odds of the guy surviving this far are gastrointestinal. There’s terrorists and racists and have you seen Contagion? Good God, the odds that any of us are alive. So anyway, yes I fully expected to be President by now.”
Obama took the gaffe in stride, instructing his staff to hold Biden down and give him forty-four lashes, as is the standard procedure in the White House.

6) Herman Cain: “We should institute my 9-9-9 plan.”

Herman Cain once ran for President. He once led the Republican field. And then he unveiled his platform. “We should institute my 9-9-9 plan,” Cain said. “It would b a good idea.”

Cain’s lead immediately vanished as voters realized that he truly believed in the idea of a 9% income tax, a 9% national sales tax and a 9% business transaction tax. Then ladies said he groped all up on them. But mostly it was the whole 9-9-9 deal.

5) Ronald Reagan: “The orgies have really livened up my meetings with the Joint Chiefs of Staff.”

Sometimes, after an orgy, I think to myself, “That was SO Reagan.” Other times, I’m like, “That was not very Reagan.”

Ronald Reagan’s distinction as a symbol of cultural conservatism and a return to family values collapsed in 1986 when he let slip in an interview that his weekly meetings with the Joint Chiefs of Staff were actually excuses for lengthy orgies. “The orgies have really livened up my meetings with the Joint Chiefs of Staff,” the septuagenarian Republican admitted. “Before it was all, ‘The Soviets have missiles located in yada yada yada.’ Now it’s much more about who’s receiving my missile.”

The nation was of course heartbroken when Nancy Reagan immediately died of  massive cardiac arrest as she sat next to her husband during the interview.

4) Abraham Lincoln: “Let’s make all the Southerners slaves. You know, for the economy’s sake.”

Much of Abraham Lincoln’s life and legacy were defined by his heroic crusade to save the Union and end American slavery. More of his legacy, however, was defined by his stunning plan to force all white Southerners to be slaves in the aftermath of the Civil War.

“As our friends in Virginia have pointed out, slaves were an integral part of our economy,” Lincoln said in his 1866 State of the Union address. “So let’s make all the Southerners slaves. You know, for the economy’s sake. Someone’s gotta work the fields, amirite??” And so it was that the Second Civil War began.

3) John F. Kennedy: “I had nothing to do with that Cuban Missile business, that was all Bobby. I was too busy stickin’ it to Marilyn Monroe in the Oval Office, which is all I ever do even though I have a gorgeous and intelligent wife.”

To be fair to John Kennedy, this gaffe was never intended for public consumption. Kennedy believed he was writing his thrice-daily letter to his mother updating her on his activities, when he accidentally wrote the address for the Republican National Committee instead.

The GOP went public with the letter days letter, including this sensational tidbit: “This job is really easy, as long as I just spend all my time making smooshy with anything that moves. I mean, I had nothing to do with that Cuban Missile business, that was all Bobby. I was too busy stickin’ it to Marilyn Monroe in the Oval Office, which is all I ever do even though I have a gorgeous and intelligent wife.”

Public reaction to the leaked letter was mixed, with approximately half of the country calling for his public assassination in Dallas, and the other half swooning over his good looks and Boston accent.

2) Kathleen Sebelius: “It’s not really a death panel if it’s just me.”

As Sarah Palin and other Republicans took aim at health care reform in 2009 over what they perceived to be “death panels,” Health and Human Services Secretary Sebelius attempted to allay the concerns by declaring there would be no death panels.

Scandal hit, however, when she followed the declaration with, “It’s not really a death panel if it’s just me. It’s more off a Death Chairwoman. Or a Death Dictator. But yes, the bottom line is I will arbitrarily be killing six seniors a day.” Following the comments, Rush Limbaugh ate Sebelius alive on the radio in a widely derided publicity stunt.

1) Franklin Roosevelt: “Let’s settle the war with a footrace: me against Hitler.”

A traitor to his class? Sure. A quitter? Never.

Likely the worst gaffe of all time, Roosevelt’s challenge of a race to decide the war nearly doomed humanity.

It was during one of Roosevelt’s famous fireside chats in 1941 that he accidentally blurted out, “Let’s settle the war with a  footrace: me against Hitler… I used to be quite the runner, mind you, so I think I can show that fatass Fuhrer a thing or tw- Oh fuck. Shit shit shit no fuck no shit fuck ass face no fuck shit hell dammit fuck.”

Fortunately, in the pre-Twitter.com era, the White House was able to quietly bribe the entire nation never to mention it again, and those who refused to accept the bribe were casually shipped off to internment camps.

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A Review of the Dumbest States in America

25 Apr

Florida, consider this as your warning.

We live in the greatest country in the world. Why, you ask? Because fuck you, that’s why Mr. Hypothetical Man who would dare doubt that the United States is the best country to exist anywhere in the history of everything. See that? That’s American Democracy and Freedom in action. I think I’ve proven my point.

Anyhow, I’m not here to discuss my patriotism. I’m not here to talk about the fact that I had my penis tattooed to look like the Washington Monument. And I’m certainly not here to discuss the time when Ross Packingham and I did two consecutive power-hours with Bill Clinton and Bruce Springsteen in the Oval Office. I’m here to talk about one thing and one thing only: Fuck France. Wait…No? I’m not here to talk about the fact that the French are the taint of the world? Really? But, we all know they are, right? Yeah? Okay then we’re good.

Okay, so apparently I’m here to talk about the dumbest states in America. Fine. You get off easy this time, you Parisian bastards.

Anyhow, even though America is the best country in the world, there are certainly some streak marks on the clean underwear that is the United States. I’m not saying the South should have seceded, I’m saying the South should have seceded (see what I did there? I can do that because this is America and fuck everyone else. God Bless this country!). However, though the South is the birthplace of stupidity, there are some students of Southern thinking that have surpassed the teacher. Here are the three largest hubs of fuckery in the United States:

This bear would be crossing into Canada right now if it weren't for all the spilled oil holding him down.

3. Alaska
Listen guys, I’m all for taking things from Canada that are rightfully theirs. In fact, one of my favorite hobbies is stealing things from Canada. I have a hockey stick, a barrel of maple syrup, and five moose in my closet to prove it. However, Alaska is one possession that I think belongs in the hands of those loveable losers.

You don’t think Canadians are losers? They don’t pay for healthcare. You don’t think those two things are related?

So anyhow, Canadians are losers – and so are Alaskans. Listen, I love snow as much as the next guy. I annually celebrate the day the freezing temperatures cause my testicles to recede into my body…like the French during a war (you fucks didn’t think I’d let you get away that easily, did you?). However, Alaska is just terrible – plain and simple.

Only Important Point: Sarah Palin. Only Alaska could produce this special brand of stupid. I mean, there’s stupid and then there’s “I don’t read because I’m busy shooting animals from a helicopter while looking for Russia as I have sex using a real bear-skin condom fantasizing about segregation” stupid. If your state is dumb enough to let Sarah Palin tell you what to do, you’re pretty fucking stupid.

Really? REALLY!?!?

2. Mississippi
Let’s start with the obvious: the state name is 11 characters long, and only uses four letters from the alphabet. That’s like if you gave me a house and ten different colors of paint, and then told me I could paint the house however I wanted. You suggested I use at least five of the colors, but nothing was mandatory. Then, I decided to defecate and wiped my feces on the wall. That’s what I think when I think Mississippi: a house covered in shit.

However, their name isn’t the only thing dumb about them — not by a long shot. Mississippi, in addition to being a shithouse, is one of the fattest states in the nation. Nothing against fat people, but if your idea of a carnival snack is deep-fried fried butter (that’s not a typo, that’s a crime against humanity), you should probably just start injecting nacho cheese into your bloodstream.

1. Arizona
I’m going to be honest here: this wasn’t even a competition. This is like a “Who’s the Blackest President?” competition. You can joke and pretend there’s not just one answer, but we all know the truth (It’s William McKinley). For those unaware of Arizona’s crimes against all intelligent thought, here’s a brief rundown:

-Martin Luther King Jr. Day: Martin Luther King Jr. was one of the most important and helpful figures to exist in American history. Making his birthday a national holiday should be a non-issue, right? Not if you’re Arizona. Yep, Arizona decided, on multiple occasions, that it did not want to honor Martin Luther King Jr. Day. And though you may think Arizona eventually came to the logical conclusion and realized MLK Day is a legitimate holiday, since it is celebrated there now – you’d be sadly mistaken. That type of idea is smart, and smart doesn’t fly in Arizona. No, to accept Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Arizona had to be threatened with never hosting the Super Bowl. That’s right. The only problem Arizona had with blatant racism is that it interfered with watching playoff football. I don’t have any more words for this. I don’t have a joke. Just let this actual fact sink in for a few minutes.

-SB 1070: Now that you’re done cleaning up whatever item you viciously threw at the wall, be ready to want to punch everybody. I’m sure most people have heard of Arizona’s recent immigration law, known as SB 1070, but for those who haven’t here’s a quick summary: The law requires that police check the identification of any person who they have “reasonable suspicion” of the person committing a crime. That doesn’t sound so bad. However, the law also makes it a crime to be an illegal immigrant in Arizona. Now let’s connect the dots: police can commander people who they believe may be guilty of a crime. Being an illegal immigrant is a crime. Well now, doesn’t that sound like police can interrogate you if they think you may be illegal? I may be from Arizona, but I’m not so stupid that I don’t understand that (though I can’t do algebra). That’s like if I told you I can arrest you if I think you committed a crime, then I make looking like you reason for thinking you committed a crime. I can’t think of any actual analogies for this because this is the dumbest possible situation possible.

Fuck you, Arizona.

-Arizona Says You’re All Pregnant: Did you know you’re already pregnant? You are in Arizona. In Arizona, pregnancy starts at the end of your last menstrual cycle. Though this concept has been used for dating the conception of children, due to the uncertainty of pregnancy tests, it has never been used for law, BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING STUPID! WHAT THE FUCK ARIZONA! WHY IS EVERYONE PREGNANT!?!? WHY ARE YOU SO DUMB?????? DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT!

Well there they are – the dumbest states in the country. I hope you’ve enjoyed this as much as I’ve hated thinking about this. I’m never thinking about anything ever again.

Super Tuesday Predictions

6 Mar

Wolf Blitzer can't stop trimming his beard in anticipation.

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The closest thing we’ve got to a national primary. The kind of day Karl Rove and George Stephanopoulos have wet dreams about. The moment we finally find out just how ambivalent Americans feel about Mitt Romney. It’s Super Tuesday! Follow our state-by-state guide for a comprehensive examination of how these 10 states will select their 2012 Republican nominee.

OHIO
I’ll be honest. Most of my knowledge regarding the state of Ohio comes from either Bristol Bacchus or Cleveland jokes. But if this state thought that it would be a good idea to induct the Beastie Boys and Neil Diamond into the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, then I’m not sure how well I can trust the judgment of its citizens. The race between Santorum and Romney might be more unpredictable than a LeBron James televised announcement, but I think Romney pulls ahead after he is quoted at a campaign stop admitting that, like LeBron, he’s working on an autobiography but just can’t come up with a title.

GEORGIA
At the time of me writing this post, the New York Times has already called Georgia in favor of Gingrich with less than 1% of the polls reporting. Which is a relief, as it saves me the time of having to come up with jokes about Sherman’s March to the Sea, Coca-Cola, peaches, or how the 76 delegates up for grabs seems like a remarkably similar figure to what I assume the ex-Congressman’s BMI looks like.

OMG guyzzz y doesnt nybody lyke me??!?

TENNESSEE
Just once I want to see Mitt down a fifth of Jack, stumble through the electric slide at a Nashville honky tonk, drunk dial Tipper Gore, and finish the night sobbing outside of Graceland. I think if he can pull all four off before the polls close, he might have a fighting chance is stealing this Southern state from Gingrich. At least as much of a fighting chance as Johnston and Beauregard had at the Battle of Shiloh.

ALASKA
After ringing endorsements from Balto and Jewel, Ron Paul carries the Alaska primary by appealing to voters’ enthusiasm for legalized weed to help get through the winter and increase appreciation for the Northern Lights. Rumors abound that Gingrich promised to “drill baby drill” Sarah Palin if he was victorious, but are dismissed by Newt as a smear campaign invented by the devious liberal media hell-bent on distracting the American people from the real issues at stake in this election.

MASSACHUSETTS
In a surprise upset, Governor Romney arrives in a time machine from 2003 to defeat the current conservative incarnation of Mitt. The 2003 Romney also extols on the virtues of comprehensive health care, the success of the invasion of Iraq, and the musical brilliance of Evanescence.

IDAHO
What’s bland, white, and favored by many Irish Catholics? The Republican Party! Also, potatoes. Seeing that Idaho has a lot of both, I predict that a bland white Republican will win the Idaho caucus. Or maybe just a really fat potato dressed in a suit that many voters mistake for Newt Gingrich.

NORTH DAKOTA
North Dakota sucks so much, it’s developed an inferiority complex towards its neighbor to the South whose main claims to fame include a palace made of corn and a brief cameo appearance in North by Northwest. The state’s main exports are natural gas, lonesome prairie wind, tumbleweed, and depression. Even the nuclear missile silos left as soon as humanly possible. Like my seventh-grade self at the middle school dance, North Dakota’s willing to devote itself entirely to the first poor soul who shows it a shred of interest. All Romney has to do is show up and call North Dakota within the next three days to seal the deal.*

Pyrotechnics would really bolster his campaign stops

OKLAHOMA
The official rock song of Oklahoma is “Do You Realize??” by The Flaming Lips, which is pretty awesome until you imagine every citizen in the state singing “Everyone you know one day will die!,” and that the closest competition to The Flaming Lips for this prestigious title was the All-American Rejects’ “Move Along.” This, along with the fact that Oklahomans couldn’t come up with anything more original for their actual state song than fucking Rodgers and Hammerstein means that this state is bound to go for Ron Paul.

VERMONT
So long as the citizens of Vermont can find enough time to vote in between their busy schedule of wearing flannel, tapping for maple syrup, and not showering, I bet they go with the pride and joy of the Northeast, Scott Brown.

VIRGINIA
Considering Rick Santorum’s penchant for desperately holding on to socially conservative values that went out of vogue in the 1960s, the former Senator’s statement that Chief Justice Warren’s ruling in Loving v. Virginia “makes me want to spew some sort of vile amalgamation of vomit, semen, feces, and bile out of every orifice possible,” provides the essential vitriol necessary to win this key swing state despite not even making it on the ballot.

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*Imagine, if you will, the charming Mitt Romney sauntering up to North Dakota, standing in the corner looking forlornly at all the cool kids being courted by swarthy Super PACs, and asking it to slow dance with him while Jessica Simpson’s “Take My Breath Away” plays in the background. I bet North Dakota would immediately take Romney home to Fargo and let him frack her all night.

5 Reasonable but Merciless Alternatives to the Death Penalty

27 Sep

This past Wednesday, millions of Americans were outraged over the execution of Troy Davis, a man convicted – with inconclusive evidence – of murdering a police officer in Savannah, Georgia. As the fairness of the death penalty is really drawn into question, we begin to ask ourselves: what other alternatives might there be to execution?

Watch yourself

5. Compulsory Residence in a Fundamentalist Conservative Colony
One possibility worth considering is the establishment of a prisoner colony. The automatic choice for location would be Georgia, given that it started as a prisoner colony, and has arguably been one ever since. The colony would be governed by an entity known as “The TetraDouche” – a council consisting of Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Mike Huckabee, and Rick Perry. While prisoners would not be executed in the colony, they would be forever subjected to other atrocious fundamentalist policies, such as mandatory readings of the Gospel each time a prisoner gets an erection.

Fortunately, a week with Justin Bieber was ruled far too inhumane

4. Court-ordered Jonas Brothers tour
This option would force the convicted criminal to follow the Jonas Brothers on a national tour – not only to sit through their inconceivably rancid concerts, but also to travel with them on the tour bus. Some investigatory research has indicated that more Americans fear a Jonas Brothers tour than fear death, so not only would this alternative be more humane than execution (okay, that’s debatable), but it would be more effective in crime prevention. Furthermore, there is a decent chance that it would result in said criminal physically assaulting the Jonas Brothers, an outcome no one can deny secretly desiring.

They're the same fuckers responsible for Wiz Khalifa too

3. Lifetime Season Tickets for the Pittsburgh Pirates
I can only begin to imagine how inexplicably atrocious it is to be at a Pittsburgh Pirates home game. No one would willingly spend an entire evening sitting in a hot stadium seat while the raging cocklord sitting next to them drunkenly heckles the unsuspecting Blue Jays fans on the grounds that “Canadians can’t partake in America’s pastime.” What’s worse, it’s the Pittsburgh Pirates, so there is literally no chance that you’ll ever get to see the home team win. Ultimately, the only positive aspect of this punishment would be the opportunity to feast on the woefully sub-par concession stand food, which is only sold for 15-20 times the amount it costs to produce. And to put the icing on the cake, you’re living in Pittsburgh, so the likelihood of getting dateraped by Ben Roethlisberger is substantially greater.

Wait, is this a Wildcard?

2. Community Service at The Keg of Evanston
You might be thinking, “But the KOE is a jolly place! I love going there!” However, imagine being at The Keg and not being allowed to consume alcohol. Or popcorn. Suddenly, your run-of-the-mill Monday night fuckshow has turned into a night full of unmitigated self-loathing whilst observing others in their endless debauchery. On top of that, you’d be forced to engage in community service – picking up empty cups, preventing multi-generational couples from hooking up, politely asking obese Hispanic men to remove themselves from the stripper poles, etc. After 10-15 years of spending every Monday and Saturday performing these tasks, there’s no doubt that a criminal would truly regret the crime they committed.

A life sentence of beer pong and using Snickers wrappers as condoms

1. Pledging Sig Ep
Although it has been ruled unconstitutional on the grounds of “cruel and unusual punishment” by the Supreme Court, many still support this method of alternative castigation for perpetrators of heinous crimes (OH MY GOD WE JUST MADE LEGITIMATE USE OF THE WORD HEINOUS! HOLY BALLS! IT FUCKING HAPPENED!). Yes, engaging criminals in this form of punishment would involve activities that, under certain definitions, qualify as “torture,” but the long-term penalty would be much worse – a 25 to life sentence of unchecked doucheification. This result, while being worse than death for many criminals, is indisputably more just from a moral standpoint. Even Julie Andrews, a role model for many, firmly asserted that the fairest punishment for murderers and rapists is “an inevitable lifestyle of supercalifragilisticexpialidouchiness.”

What the People Want

30 Jun

Looks like the Republican Presidential Primary might get a little more interesting. No, Ronald Reagan did not recently rise from the dead. And, unfortunately, rumors that front-runner Mitt Romney is preparing to battle Jon Huntsman in The Thunderdome have been proven woefully false. But during a speech in Charleston, S.C., Candidate Michele Bachmann made a stunning announcement that is sure to rock the American political world. According to Michele Bachmann,

“They want to see two girls come together and have a mud wrestling fight,” the Minnesota congresswoman said. “And I’m… going to give it to ‘em.”

[editor’s note: some content removed from quotation to help facilitate the fantasies of 13-year-old pundits everywhere]

We can only begin to fathom how amazing such a battle royale would be. In fact, our crack team of graphic designers have been hard at work trying to give our readers an accurate depiction of what said mud wrestling would look like, and have produced a preliminary sketch to whet one’s appetite. Our prediction? The melee turns ugly when The Alaska Disasta’ accuses The North Star of lacking proper political experience, and ends in a draw to allow both politicians enough time to prepare their next prodigiously absurd comment for the press.

Man, this tea party sure did escalate quickly...

[POLITICO]

The Paliban Tours the Holy Land

24 Mar

She's totally sizing up that beard right now.

Oh, Sarah Palin, you’ve done it again. In a regrettably unsurprising turn of events, Sarah Palin has once again found a way to offend Jews everywhere. After landing in Israel yesterday, Palin displayed the lack of common sense that we know and laugh at — or cry over, depending on your point of view.

Clearly worried about not receiving the Jewish vote, Governor Mooselini brilliantly decided to tour the Holy Land while wearing a large Star of David. Sure she’s not Jewish, but darn it she cares! After her stellar politicking, there’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that Mama Grizzly’s savvy move has brought the support of Jews across America.

Winning over the Jewish vote, one wink at a time

“Oy, I thought she was just a schmuck before. [I] used to call her ‘Caribou Barbie’.” said Isaac Goldbergstein, a Chicago dentist.

“Always kvetching about Obama that one! Such a goshmeinkt,” added Goldbergstein’s wife Ethel, looking up from her copy of Angry Jewish Grandmother and its featured article, “How to Guilt Your Kids into Taking You to Dinner.”

As a result of Palin’s pandering, hundreds of thousands of elderly Jewish couples like the Goldbergsteins have joined the Grizzly-bandwagon. Among Palin’s many other gestures, she “wanted to touch the clay in the tunnel and then touch the water in the ritual bath,” according to Likud Knesset member Danny Danon, who accompanied Palin on her trip to the Western Wall.

Two of Palin's newly won-over supporters

“That whole ‘blood libel’ thing is in the past!” said Yonatan Faklempt, 19, a student at American Hebrew University. “She just isn’t the Wicked Witch of Wasilla anymore.”

Whatever the case, The Dickless Cheney seems to have turned over a new leaf — at least in the minds of much of the Jewish community. Whether or not it will affect Palin’s run in 2012 however is anyone’s guess. And if the Alaska Disasta’ has taught us anything, it’s that she is a true visionary. If she can see Russia from her house, then who knows how far she can gaze into the future?

Only time will tell.

-Josh Kopel

Battle of the DUPILF’s

15 Feb

Arguably the worst threat to our cultural identity since the ascendancy of Joan Rivers

People of the 49 awesome states of this nation: America is at a crossroads. She is a nation faced with war, debt, Justin Bieber, and a failing education system. So I think the time for silence is over.

I have come up with a detailed, one-prong plan to save this great nation, and I humbly share it with you now: a cage match between Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann. Srsly guyz, why has this not happened yet!?

First act of our Jamaican overlords: Make 4/20 Marley Appreciation Day

The need for this battle should be obvious, but just for shits and giggles (or just plain giggles for the ladies out there, since we all know girls don’t poop) I’ll explain exactly why America will fall to her knees and be annexed by Jamaica if this does not happen soon.

Shit's about to get fucking REAL

First, they’re both completely, absurdly, aggressively batshit crazy. Like, literally. Whenever either one of these women speak, it’s as if they recorded the inane ramblings of a sleeping lunatic, added a few bullet points, and then called them talking points. Just for a quick reminder: Michele Bachmann has called for an investigation into which members of Congress are anti-America, she has stated that not one study has found carbon dioxide to be dangerous, she has claimed that the Founding Fathers were opposed to slavery (and I swurr they were! Like at least 3/5ths of the time!), and she said that Terri Schiavo was a perfectly healthy human being. Meanwhile, Saint Sarah of Wasilla has claimed that Putin likes to fly over Alaska, that Obama wanted to kill babies with death panels by allowing insurance plans to cover doctor’s visits for terminally ill patients, that she reads all the newspapers everywhere so just shut up guys, and that refudiate is a word. Bottom line: their combined craziness would make for one of the most epic and deranged cage matches in human history. Think a feral leopard meets Gollum. I know. Take a breath and calm down. I have more.

Obamacare is so not fetch

Secondly, they have pretended to love each other for long enough. Palin campaigned for Michele in 2010, while Bachman wets herself over Palin’s super-duper world vision every other night on pretty much any channel that will let her open her yapper. We all know this is fake. I’ve seen Mean Girls. Many, MANY times. And honestly, I’ve never seen a politician do as terrific of a Regina George/Gretchen Wieners impression as these two first ladies of crazy have done for the last year and a half. So I know that inside, they’re both imagining maniacally screaming “you can’t sit with us!” at the other. Let’s give them the chance to let those feelings out in a healthy, not to mention awesome, way ASAP.

Fuck you, North Dakota

Third, both of them are pretty much Canadian. I have nothing against Minnesota or Alaska, but when our Canadian overlords start demanding territory in exchange for the copious amounts of prescription drugs we’re stealing, I’m pretty sure I’ll give them Minnesota and Alaska in a heartbeat. Hell, they can have North Dakota for free. Most worthless state. The other 47 are so much better. But I digress. The bottom line is that America is simply not ready for two semi-Canadian politicians on the national stage.

Things might get weird...

Which brings us to the fourth reason that we need this cage match: they’re both running for President. Last month, Bachmann pretty much confirmed her presidential aspirations with a literal trip to Iowa and power trip after the State of the Union. Meanwhile, good ‘ole Sarah Pee has been running for Supreme Dictator since August of 2008. And while a primary might have satisfied our need to pick a winner in like 2010, primaries are just another way the government is ramming their ideas down our unsuspecting throats, amiriteteaparty?! We need something a little more grass roots, something a little more violent. In short, we need a cage match.

Finally, they’re both pretty damn hot. I think we’ve all had those dreams where Michele Bachmann suddenly shows up wearing less than enough clothes (but actually…). It just happens. And S-Piddy isn’t bad either. On a scale of Angela Merkel to Carla Bruni, I’d give her at least an Anne Hathaway and she could be verging on a Natalie Portman. All in all, I’d say both women are complete DUPILF’s (Dangerously Unstable Politicians I’d Like to Fuck). A cage match would be mad chill, broseph.

Uh oh, I feel a Boehner coming on.

So let’s get this done, America. There just isn’t enough room in this town for the both of them, and the only fair, respectable way to decide which DUPILF we’ll keep around is to lock them in a steel cage and see who comes out alive.

Get out in the streets people. Protest at your congressperson’s office. Create Facebook events. Do whatever it takes, just makes sure that this happens soon. As Michele and the Palinator tell us constantly, America is on the verge of destruction; this just might be the last best hope we have to bring this nation back from the brink of annihilation.

Godspeed.