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Tag Archives: satire

Crazed Murderer Relieved That You Didn’t Check Behind Shower Curtain

28 Apr
(via Elite Linens)

(via Elite Linens)

After a recent trip to the bathroom where you neglected to check behind the shower curtains because for once you decided not to let paranoia control you, the crazed murderer who has spent hours hiding out in your shower stall breathed a sigh of relief.

“For a moment, I thought you were going to whip open the curtains to check for me,” crazed murderer Joseph Walter Harris said as he cradled Continue reading

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Mayfest Announces Rebecca Black, Female, As Dillo Day Headliner

16 Mar

EVANSTON, Il.—Mayfest spokesman announced early Friday morning that, as per Google Doc request, the Dillo Day headliner will be Rebecca Black, a female.

“After seeing a link to a Google Doc that read ‘BRING A FEMALE ARTIST TO DILLO DAY’ throughout our newsfeed,” Mayfest spokesman Connor Dart said, “we decided Continue reading

Psych Major Loses 45 Friends in Quest for 30 Survey Responses

4 Dec

Blackwell, patiently awaiting her 30th respondent. (via vipdictionary.com)

EVANSTON, Ill. — Northwestern University junior Psychology major Ramona Blackwell admitted in a press conference this morning that she has shattered 45 once-healthy friendships since she began seeking respondents for a survey last Monday. Continue reading

Man Who Spends 90% of Time Around Other Speedo-Clad Men Somehow Gay

2 Dec

Pictured: Daley, who is unimaginably attracted to both men and women, despite the fact that all of his best friends have rock hard abs just like those. (via policymic.org)

LONDON — The world was shocked today to learn that Tom Daley, a British athlete who spends almost all of his time wearing a speedo and doing various physical activities with other men wearing speedos, is sexually attracted to men.

Daley made the announcement by video, revealing to the world that he has a boyfriend — surprising, considering that the sport for which Daley has become famous has a uniform that reveals so much shaft that one can often discern whether the competitor is circumcised.  Continue reading

Dean of Students Requires Homework for those Entering Fitzerland

16 Nov

Students enjoying a nice tailgate after finishing their problem set for Econ 324 (via dailynorthwestern.com)

Evanston, Ill.—In an effort to ensure the safety and diligence of Northwestern undergraduates, Dean of Students Todd Adams revealed yesterday that those wishing to enter the pre-football game student tailgate, commonly known as “Fitzerland,” are now required to bring with them a backpack and some homework. Continue reading

Two Students Standing Right in Front of Fucking Doorway Having Great Fucking Conversation

4 Nov

Dunn and McCoy, just leaving a ton of fucking room for us to get on with our goddamn lives.

At 10:58 this morning, Weinberg students Kyle Dunn and Sarah McCoy were seen right in front of the northernmost entrance to Kresge having just a fantastic fucking conversation.

The pair, talking about how great their Spanish professor is or some shit, appeared to be having the fucking time of their lives, all while blocking multiple students on their way to their 11 AM classes.

“She’s just so inspirational! She makes me want to learn!” said McCoy of her professor while three or four students awkwardly stood there waiting for the pair to fucking move.

Communications student Ryan Anderson was one of the Continue reading

A Play-by-Play Analysis of Virgin America’s New Safety Video (in GIFs, of course)

3 Nov

A few days ago Virgin America released the new safety video that they will show passengers before flights take off.

I would like to emphasize the fact that that this video was made by real, debatably sane people. This is real life. And it’s terrifying. Here are some GIFs from the video that show how truly, truly heinous this whole ordeal is. Continue reading

Candyless Schapiro Reminds Trick-or-Treaters About New Student Center

31 Oct

Pictured: Schapiro, just trying to manage the University’s goddamn money, okay?

EVANSTON, Ill. — Northwestern University President Morton O. Schapiro reportedly attempted to comfort disappointed trick-or-treaters at his home by reminding them that a new student center is probably going to be built in the next 20 years.

“There there, children,” said Schapiro softly. “We understand that you’re disappointed we don’t have any candy for you. But this new student center is going to Continue reading

Jesus Speaks Out About Kanye West’s New Tour

24 Oct

From left to right: Jesus, Kanye. Or maybe it’s the other way around? Too tough to tell.

Chicago rapper/producer/water bottle enthusiast Kanye West began his first solo tour in five years at the Key Arena in Seattle, Wash., Saturday, sparking some controversy.

The premiere Yeezus show displayed the artist’s typically grandiose style, with a flurry of tirades from ‘Ye, a freshly baked Continue reading

Over-participating Student Totally Not Hated by Everyone

21 Oct
Pictured above: Incredibly intelligent student who definitely doesn't say a bunch of shit no one wants to hear

Pictured above: Incredibly intelligent student who definitely doesn’t say a bunch of shit no one wants to hear

Just as a Friday afternoon “Intro to Shakespeare” class was about to end, Professor Howard Schumacher half-heartedly asked if anyone had any other comments. Professor Schumacher, not actually expecting anyone to raise their hand since there had been only about a thousand opportunities to do so throughout the 120-minute lecture, and assuming everyone wanted to leave on time so they could go enjoy their weekends, was shocked when Continue reading