Five College Football Bowl Games That Need New Names

Every year between the end of the college football season and the national championship game we’re forced to endure a series of overly-sponsored match-ups by slightly-better-than-average football squads.  They are given a shot at eternal glory by conquering opponents in bowl games whose names leave even the most experienced commentators tongue tied.  So, whether we’re fans of the sport, fans of a team in the game, or someone who happens to be watching television over this holiday season, bowl games like the “Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl” often leave us with an overwhelming sense of confusion as to why teams are playing and who is watching.  Here are five bowl games whose names stand out as horribly mis-matched with the teams competing in them:

The 3 Facebook Atrocities That Old People Routinely Commit

I’ll be the first one to admit that I love Facebook.  I love Facebook in a manner that many wouldn’t describe as “platonic.”  I love intently scrolling down my newsfeed and discovering every minute detail of all the incredibly heinous people I know.  I love clicking through photo albums and practically becoming vicariously intoxicated through them.  I especially love defriending annoying people from my high school after they post the 30th consecutive status posting lyrics from a Rascal Flatts song.  However, a few years ago, my utopian virtual community was greatly endangered when my parents invited themselves into it.  Mom and Dad, I love you both very much, but here’s what it boils down to:  If you were alive when Nikita Khrushchev took office, you’re too old to understand the basic inner workings of social networks.  Thus, without further ado, I present:  The 3 Facebook Atrocities That Old People Routinely Commit.

"Wow, she's taking four at once!"

3. The Weird Profile Picture

I don’t know what it is about being born during the Eisenhower administration that makes the concept of a profile picture so difficult for older people to grasp, but it’s seriously becoming an issue. Part of the problem is that our nation’s soon-to-be social security recipients have managed to bastardize the sanctity of the profile picture in such a wide variety of ways.  The first infraction is the “Family Member” pic, in which a geriatric friend’s profile picture is a picture of his or her son, daughter, spouse, or something of the sort.  While this gesture is meant endearingly about 90% of the time (the other 10% is just old guys trying to make themselves seem younger so they can pick up cheap elderly floozies), it still adds confusion to the chaotic fuckshow that Facebook already is.  Another infraction of Prof-Pic etiquette is the “Doppelgänger” pic – an approach that gets old after about a week and only works if it’s a good doppelgänger.  (Side note:  I’m not putting an umlaut over the “a” in doppelgänger.  My computer is doing it for me.  I’m not that pretentious.  I also have a very serious personal aversion to umlauts.)  The doppelgänger approach is very proudly employed by my parents, or as strangers might know them, Lou Reed and Doris Day.  The third infraction is the “What the fuck” profile picture, in which the picture is something that literally could not make less sense.  Examples of this infraction include the planet Saturn, a garden hose, and a dead fish.

BUT YOU CAN'T. YOU CAN'T AT ALL.

2.  The Oblivious Comment

The only thing worse than old people being socially oblivious on their own Facebook pages is when their unawareness inevitably encroaches onto your Facebook page.  Old people have a tendency to make the most awkward and unfitting comments on statuses, wall posts, and pictures.  For example, I recently posted a link to Manua Hiki-Hiki’s Small Penis Rule article on my Facebook page, seeing as the central tenet of the Sherman Ave code is that shameless self-promotion is a must.  My step-father wasted no time in commenting: “Somehow, without even reading the byline, Pete, I knew this was you.”  Yep.  A small penis joke made at my expense.  By my step-father.  If that isn’t heinous, I’ve truly lost my grip on reality.  (On the bright side, a few years ago when he thought it would be appropriate to imply that one of my statuses was about masturbation, he at least had the good sense to message me his atrociously unfunny joke instead of posting it for the world to see.)  What’s even funnier is when older folks comment on a picture and fail to pick up on the fact that everyone in the picture is unreasonably intoxicated.  Comments like “Sitting down in the middle of Sheridan is unsafe!” or “Why are those cups arranged in a triangle?” never fail to bring unprecedented levels of discomfort to Facebook albums.

1.  Sincerity

A prime example of the atrocities that Facebook begets.

I honestly don’t understand what isn’t clear about this fact: Facebook is not about sincerity.  Facebook is not about congratulating people on achievements, expressing genuine interest in their lives, or sharing legitimate ideas.  It’s called Facebook, not Church Fucking Picnic.  Facebook is a never-ending competition to be the most obnoxious person you can be.  Facebook is about recording videos of someone sitting next to you in lecture and posting it to their wall.  Facebook is about finding a picture of a young Sir Twattingworth III and posting it on the walls of 35 friends.  Facebook is about posting the link to a Sporcle quiz on a friend’s wall to implicitly indicate that you aced the quiz and will subsequently power-trip about it.  Facebook is about finding your way into the Notre Dame Class of 2015 Facebook group and ruining it.  And as long as gerontology study subjects fail to realize the unthinkable heinousness of Facebook, they will be forever tainting it (lol) with their old person sincerity and awkwardness.

Your Monthly HorrorScopes

Photo courtesy of Ross Packingham and Ginger LeatherDream

Congratulations! Everyone’s having a pretty good month! Except for Pisces, that’s what you get for being an attention whore who steals my paper thesis and claims it as your own! (How do you live with yourself!?)

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
This month, take some time to focus on you. Take a bath, watch a movie, finally get around to burying that body. LOL JK! But there is a fresh dirt path in the park on Grove, approximately 10 feet, from the SW corner, and shovels are on sale this week at Ace Hardware. Pro tip: If you wear a fluorescent orange vest people will assume it’s community service! Happy “planting!”

Things to avoid saying: “I confess”

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You may or may not die in a horrible, horrible terrorist attack on the El. You probably deserve it.

Your lucky day: Not Wednesday

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
When Jupiter moves into the apex of Croatia’s left nut, expect good fortune at your feet. That’s right, your new plaid Sperry’s Top Siders finally arrived in the mail! Your fraternity brethren will be drooling with envy, but they will have the last laugh when the snow disintegrates them by the weekend. But, of course, you will be too drunk to notice.

Things to avoid: KKD, DDD, DZ…you know what you’ve done

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
You’re at the crossroads of what is sure to be a long journey. Question is, do you watch the video of the panda sneezing set to dubstep, or the new “Shit Adorable Kittens Say After Their Baths?” You also have a midterm paper worth 40% of your grade due tomorrow, but we all know that’s not happening. Pop another caffeine pill and watch them both. Six times.

Your lucky time of day: 7:34 pm (Brian will smile at you in Norbucks!!!)

Gemini (May 21-Jun 21)
Your month begins with a surprise, as the long lost twin sister you never knew you had shows up at your door! (All Geminis are twins, right? That’s how this works?) Even better news: She’s smokin’ hot! As a dude, you know it’s your right, nay, your responsibility to nail her. As a lady, it’s still your job to nail her and film it. Make it black and white, add come captions in a language you made up, and there’s a good chance you can get it into Sundance. If not, at least into the hearts of a few boys in AEPi. Oh, and all of this is definitely not weird at all.

Things to avoid: Taking your sister on a date to see “Shame”

Cancer (Jun 22- Jul 22)
Financial woes have been weighing heavily on your mind, but due to Saturn coming out of the closet, your problems suddenly vanish! Don’t question your roommates newfound money flow, just politely volunteer to peddle his “product” for him. And those little bags of white powder he’s been leaving around the house? I’ve seen enough episodes of Breaking Bad to know that is definitely NOT meth or weed, so stop worrying that you’re a “drug dealer” and start thinking of yourself as a “businessman!” Kellogg, Shmellogg.

Your lucky street name: Chet Haze

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Looks like it’s a good time for love! Just not for you, but I’m sure your best friend and girlfriend, whoops, EX-girlfriend, will be very happy together. It’ll all be okay! Turn off the Adele, stop licking cookie crumbs from the bag, and GROW A DICK. Maybe then you could keep a girl around long enough for her to see it, too.

Things to avoid: Admitting that you watch Say Yes to the Dress

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
Everyone agrees you are the best, so why can’t your TA see it too? Did she really expect you to turn in that silly little 10-page paper about the Russian Revolution through the eyes of Tina Fey when you were busy catching up on Mad Men? And your theatre professor didn’t take too kindly to your idea of “sleeping as performance art,” but don’t fret! There’s still time to bring your grades up before Mommy and Daddy take away your new Lexus. Take one for the team, and bang that nerdy, silent girl from down the hall. She’s got a 4.0 average, and you’ll have 4.0 less things to worry about.

Your lucky charm: No bookworm girl can resist a man in thick-framed glasses!

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23)
Zeus is pissed at Snooki, which parallels your current relationship with your roommate. She’ll hit her breaking point near the end of the month, after you “borrowed-my-favorite-scarf-again-I’ll-kill-you-you-bitch-don’t-even!” You could take the high road (don’t ask ME how to get there, though) and apologize, perhaps buying her dinner to make up for it. But my real advice? Hit the road, girl, and ask for a room transfer. That’s what you get for living in drama-heavy Elder. Pick a nice, quiet, place like ISRC, where you can almost guarantee no one will ever talk back to you. You will be their queen! Enjoy your newfound power!

Things to avoid: Doing the dirty on your roomie’s bed

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21)
Let’s play good news/bad news. Good news! The Tsar has been overthrown! The revolution is over! Huzzah! I’ll tell the people of 1917 you’re very happy for them. Bad news: meanwhile, in 2012, your family dog gets hit by a truck. Good news: He wasn’t really your dog! Bad news: I’m joking. (Too soon?) Good news: He didn’t have cancer! Bad news: You do.

Your lucky charms: will taste bitter after you learn the news

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
The B-list stars are aligning, which means that this month is a good time to expand your talents. Take a pottery class, pick up the harmonica, try swallowing fire while juggling swords and riding a unicycle. Naked. Trust me, I watch Grey’s Anatomy which basically means I’m a doctor. And if these new escapades don’t work out, don’t be discouraged! Just get right back out there and try, try again once you’re released from the hospital!

Things to avoid: Nothing! Stare death in the face while flipping him off!

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
The smell of a blooming romance is in the air! At least that’s what you think. Turns out to be the rotten Joy Yee’s leftovers on the bottom shelf of your fridge. But hey! At least you (probably) won’t die alone, your cat happens to love the smell of Chinese food!

People to avoid: That boy in your poetry class that caught you sniffing his hair in last week’s discussion section

Have a good month! And remember, things will never be as bad for you as they are for George Lopez’s fan club!

–Ali Parr