Professor Facing Charges for Scanning Genitals into Optional Course Readings Since 2009

EVANSTON, IL — Northwestern University music history professor Dr. Maxwell Douglas is currently on academic probation and awaiting trial on the charges that he repeatedly scanned his genitalia into PDFs of optional course readings posted on the university’s course management site.

Dr. Douglas.  Not pictured: Dr. Douglas’s junk.

The extent of the professor’s perverse action is currently under investigation, although sources can confirm the obscene imagery appeared as early as 2009 in an excerpt on Gregorian chant and continued undiscovered until late 2013.

27 Thoughts That Go Through the Mind of a College Student on Summer Break (Almost) Every Day

Nothing goes with a cigarette quite like a coronarita and the threat of VD.

1. “I wonder how many times I’ll have to scan this same file.”

2. “No, no – I didn’t come here for a learning experience, I came here to fetch your coffee and pretend to care about your stories.”

3. “What is it even like to be outside during the day?”

4. “New puppy post on Buzzfeed? Sorry responsibilities, you’ll have to wait.”