Tag Archives: Scientologists

What to Expect from the Northwestern University Class of 2016

29 Mar

Representing a diverse array of students from Westchester County.

In an e-mail sent to the Northwestern student body by some sad, heinous wenchblanket at 2:00 AM (as most e-mails to the Northwestern student body are sent, strangely enough), the administration informed us that the incoming class of freshmen is “one of its all-time most diverse and academically talented classes.” This got my sorry-ass insomniac mind racing.

First of all, it is wholly unfair to make any judgments about the class’s academic talent this early in the game. From the perspective of a Sherman Ave writer, these little bastards still have six months before they actually put their minds to work here at Northwestern (thanks to the most egregious scheduling debacle since Reagan ordered the invasion of Grenada the same night as the M*A*S*H* season finale), and until then, the name of the game is “Corrupt the Bitches.” There is ample time for you, me, and the rest of the Northwestern student body to inundate the Class of 2016 Official Facebook Group with pictures of our genitalia student group propaganda. Furthermore, they’ve got seven jungle-juicy days of Wildcat Walkofshame Week to further their understanding of true college atrocities, and with any luck, they will make it to their first Intro to Russian Literature lecture just in time to sit in the balcony in Tech Auditorium and emit stifled sounds of dry heaving.

I also took special interest in the e-mail’s emphasis on the diversity of the incoming class. Growing up near Boulder, Colorado, I never experienced much diversity; finding an African-American family in Boulder is about as easy as finding a Starbucks in Utah. When I came to Northwestern, I was mortified excited to meet upper-middle-class students whose grandparents migrated to America from different regions of the world. Now, I can proudly claim to know approximately a dozen people with the last name “Kim.” So when I saw this e-mail, declaring that this incoming class is even more diverse, it got me thinking: in what ways are they more diverse? After a few minutes of violent masturbation brainstorming, here’s what I’ve figured the new class has to offer to this university’s already marginally diverse portfolio:

Trolling for biddies at the lakefill.

I am utterly shocked that I have yet to meet anyone from Mongolia here at NU, and I feel certain that this fluke will be rectified with the class of 2016. You’d think coming from the world’s least densely populated nation (#sorryforsporcling), at least one East-Central Asian beast-human would think to himself, “Man, I’m tired of all this goddamn room. I should go somewhere devoid of such free space, like Bobb-McCulloch. I’d be much more satisfied with a bathroom that smells like catshit and paprika than I’d be with a bathroom of my own.”* That being said, while I look forward to meeting the Mongolian(s) that will presumably be attending Northwestern next year, I won’t hesitate to build a wall around my apartment to keep them out.

I’d be lying if I said I had a fundamental understanding of Scientology. Someone tried to explain it to me once, but I got lost when I heard the word “alien king,” and the storyteller lost some credibility when I realized that they weren’t real and that I was merely in a BK-induced hallucinatory coma. Regardless, a Scientologist would be a marvelous addition to the academic community at Northwestern. I say this not because I have any level of reverence for the religious foundations of Scientology, but rather because I’m relatively certain that Tom Cruise is the only out-of-the-closet Scientologist in the United States. And believe me, T-Cruise would be a terrific addition to the NU student body, as long as he doesn’t seduce my hot TA from last quarter, on whom I have effectively called dibs.

North Dakotans
I’m not entirely sure that “North Dakotans” is the correct term to refer to someone from North Dakota, but I am entirely sure that I don’t give a fuck what you call someone from North Dakota. I have not met a single person from North Dakota at Northwestern, and it really makes me wonder. Are there any North Dakotans at Northwestern whatsoever? Do people from North Dakota go to college? Has North Dakota been introduced to the wheel yet? It’s likely I can only find answers to the questions by travelling to North Dakota, which is definitely not going to happen; besides breaking my non-negotiable rule of avoiding travel to any state that borders Canada, such a trip would also heavily activate my uncanny allergy to peace gardens. My questions will be much more easily answered if Northwestern just admitted a creature from North Dakota.

The bow-tie's a holdover from Sig Ep's hell week, 1946.

Socially Adept People
A student of this background has not been seen at NU since the era of notorious fratstar John Paul Stevens (JD ’47), who allegedly tittyfucked Judy Garland on the roof of Shanley – a building which incidentally had just celebrated the 110th anniversary of its construction.** If Northwestern were to accept a few social butterflies in the Class of 2016, there is no telling how it would change the behavior of the student body; a run-of-the-mill stroll down Sheridan Road could, for the first time in sixty-five years, actually entail social interaction. Students could make a more consistent habit out of socially drinking, and accordingly, Mayor Tisdahl could savagely shit her pants. On the downside, heightened social activity at Northwestern could simply result in a horrifying visit from the ghosts of Methodists Past, Methodists Farther In The Past, and Methodists Farthest In The Past.

*I say “himself” only because I feel it would be absurd to assume there are women in Mongolia.
**Fun fact: John Paul Stevens frequently referred to his dick as “Chief Justice.” This elicited many inappropriate giggles from him during court hearings, and it really never stopped being funny to him throughout his whole career.