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Tag Archives: Selena Gomez

Reality vs Expectations: the College Classroom Edition

16 Apr
Look at me I'm so disdained. Fuq u, school. When will Summer cum. I mean come.

Look at me I’m so disdained. Fuq u, school. When will Summer cum. I mean come. [via dvdactive.com]

Either I’m really bad at taking notes or these exams are vastly more complicated than what we’re taught in lecture.

Statistics
Lecture: 1+2 =3
Exam: Solve for cancer

Art
Lecture: Humans have created wondrous art throughout the ages
Exam: How does this ceramic vagina make you feel?

Econ
Lecture: Mark Witte talks about guns and butter
Exam: Continue reading

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Sherman Ave presents: Block 9 Interviews

11 Mar

–Pip Sleazy, Scurvy Jacobson and Lady Keystone

29 Things that will Happen at Northwestern Just After You Graduate

12 Feb

1) The US News & World Report will rank Northwestern in the Top 10 Best Schools in the Nation.

Opening date: June 21, 2014, THE EXACT MOMENT Commencement ends. (via The Daily Northwestern)

Opening date: June 20 2014, THE EXACT MOMENT Commencement ends. (via The Daily Northwestern)

2) The University will purchase 25 new safe ride cars.

3) The new student center and lakeside athletic facilities will be built literally overnight, complete with sports bar.

4) Morty will commission a Continue reading

Selena Gomez arrives on campus; lives are ruined

5 Mar
Gomez, after repeatedly declining invitations to audit Human Sexuality.

Gomez, after repeatedly declining invitations to audit Human Sexuality.

EVANSTON — According to several poorly worded texts from friends, Selena Gomez visited campus on Monday. She was spotted at Hinman dining hall eating a minuscule slice of pizza, conversing with the grill lady, and Instagramming the salad bar.

One student who was eager to be interviewed, Chester Hanks, decided to skip class in order to meet Gomez. “She’s my dream girl. I figured if I met her and threw down some of my sick verses, she’d want to star in my next incredibly creative music video,” said Hanks.

Reporters were unable to reach #Kinetik for a statement on Chester’s up-and-coming hit, titled “Which One of You Peasants Stole My iPad.”

Continue reading

A Super Scary [Northwestern] Halloween Story! (Rated R)

31 Oct

Rated R. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

It was a dark, eerie, and generally creepy night. A heavy mist hung in the air. Even if every Northwestern student hadn’t already been studying in Main Libs, they would have had a hard time spotting the mysterious hooded figure lurking outside the library doors. That’s how misty it was.

Also, it was Halloween and everything was super scary!!!!!!!!!!!!

“An entire library’s worth of ex-Valedictorian brains,” said the mysterious hooded figure in what he imagined to be the vocal styling of Smerdyakov from Brothers Karamazov, “I finally have everything I need to complete my evil plan – ” he broke into a violent cough fit (most likely a permanent consequence of his dependence on Tic Tacs and other drugs) before finishing, “everything I need to complete my evil planetarium!” He let out a crazy, high-pitched laugh, and immediately regretted it because he was alone and it was awkward.

His name was Dan, by the way.

Shaking it off, Dan turned and fake-confidently strode into the library. After a not-so-discrete 30-second struggle with the WildCard reader, he was in. He walked down the stairs, carefully avoiding the gazes of the 14 or so computer-users whom he’d met at parties but was too socially inept to acknowledge. It’s okay, he told himself, People at Northwestern are used to this kind of thing. Dan sat down at a computer, opened Google Chrome, clicked the address bar, and typed “spells tomake peoele do things for you that they dont watn to do.” He got what he needed, stood up, and walked towards a bench near the middle of the library’s lobby/foyer-thing. He stepped on top of the bench, sizing up the crowd. He cleared his throat.

“STUDENTS OF NORTHWESTERN UNIVERSITY” he began, in all caps, “IF YOU WILL KINDLY LOWER YOUR VOICES. I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.” This was unnecessary because they were all in a Quiet Zone. Now that the room remained at the same level of non-noise, Dan continued speaking in some caps but mostly in the lower case:

“I speak to you on Halloween night, one of the most notoriously social nights of the year, from the library LOL. (Don’t u have friends???!!? LOL.) I could draw this whole spiel out if I wanted to, but basically I’m building an evil planetarium and I need your help and I Googled spells that will make you do it … so yeah. I also have Halloween candy as an incentive for cooperation. My name is Dan. I’m evil, scary, and spooky. It is Halloween. I will now take questions. Questions? Anyone?”

For several moments everyone was quiet, partly because this was a Quiet Zone but mostly because this guy was super scary and it was Halloween. At last, someone mustered the courage to speak:

“How can a planetarium be ev – ”

“Ugghhhhhhhh. Please just shut up. Seriously? You’re seriously asking me how a planetarium – a planetarium – could be evil? Gee, I don’t know! Maybe the constellations won’t have names on them or anything? Because then, you know, you’d need to find them yourself, which would be, like, super hard, and … you know what? Just take my word for it. This planetarium will be evil. Any good questions before I set curses on/withhold candy from you all?”

The library continued to be as quiet as ever. Or at least it was, until a girl named Reese from Dan’s Russian Lit discussion let out an audible “hehe :P”.

“I want to yell a pun about Snickers (as in laughter and candy) and Reese’s (as in the girl’s name and peanut butter cups) but I can’t think of one that sounds good! Stop your giggling, or I will do magic on you to make you fall in love with me. We’ll get all the way to third base. That’s right – we’ll clip each other’s toenails. How does that sound?”

Reese, genuinely scared, stopped talking. This was getting explicit.

“That’s what I thought. Anyone else have anything to say?”

No one said a word. Everything continued to be eerie and R-rated. Also, since this is a Halloween story, zombies, goblins, werewolves, and Representative Todd Akin (R-MO) were there. There were no vampires.

Suddenly:

“Dan.”

Heads turned in the direction of the voice, which was coming from a blonde girl behind the checkout desk. She stood up, brought her hand to her forehead, and pulled off what was apparently a wig to reveal a shiny mane of thick, black hair.

“It’s me – Selena Gomez. A bona fide Witch of Waverly Place. Yes, I’ve been here all along, and I’ve been waiting for a pseudo-dramatic moment like this to reveal myself and save the day.”

No one cared except for Corbin Bleu, who for some reason was also in the library.

“Thank you, Corbin. Dan, listen to me – You don’t need to do this. Although I’ve never met you before, and I know literally nothing about you, I just know you’re better than this. All this scary, Halloween-movie-esque stuff? This is not the Dan I’ve grown to love over the past 16 seconds! Deep down, isn’t all this evil planetarium business really just about a daddy problem?”

“Well,” responded DAN*, “I guess I have had a pretty hard time coping with my dad’s drinking problem. I’ve tried to help him so many times, but it’s no use! He just keeps missing his mouth**. I guess that’s why I’ve been resorting to evil WITCHCRAFT***. That’s clear to me now. And it’s all thanks to you, Selena Gomez!”

Dan then used the Google-spell to get rid of the zombies, goblins, and werewolves. He kept Todd Akin because of the Congressman’s stellar moral track record.

“Now, who’s up for a fun Halloween night??!!!?!?” Dan reached into his backpack (which he had all along even if it was not mentioned before because the author is omniscient and you need to trust him and/or her) and pulled out an organic chemistry book the size of a small home. Predictably, the crowd cheered.

Boy, was that a neat (but scary!) Halloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~The End~

*DAN: Dude’s Actually Nice

**This joke was not taken from Airplane!

***WITCHCRAFT: Why Is This Cool Human Cursing Regular And Fun Teens/Twenty-somethings?

How to react to your first episode of Gossip Girl

16 Oct

Hands down the hottest 20-something to play a high schooler in years.

It all started with Monte Carlo[1].

Well, that’s inaccurate, it all started with an accelerated math course in elementary school but to follow the threads back that long would just be boring[2] so we’re going with the abbreviated version and it all started with Monte Carlo.

I used to watch a new movie every day which is relatively easy to do between Netflix and OnDemand and, you know, the internet. One of the last movies in this multi-year habit was Monte Carlo, starring Selena Gomez, Leighton Meester and a blonde woman who seemed very replaceable the entire time. The movie is an intense look into the differences between people as stipulated by classes and also there is a scene where they play polo and also Selena Gomez meets up with her true love while casually working at a Romanian charter school. Also Cory Monteith is in the movie and he doesn’t sing[3] so that’s a plus I guess.

Regardless, I watched the entire movie trying to figure out where I had seen Leighton Meester before. My first guess was Episodes, best known as the show that earned Matt LeBlanc a Golden Globe for playing Matt LeBlanc. However, a quick trip down Wikipedia lane proved that incorrect[4]. I also that it might be Elizabeth Moss but it turns out that Leighton Meester and Elizabeth Moss are two seperate people and only one of them has kissed pre-skinny Jonah Hill.

Then I forgot about it.

Just kidding, then I watched Monte Carlo again because it was on HBO before Real Sex[5] and I like having very confused junk. The second time around I discovered that the film was a clever commentary on a gendered society done through a gender-inverted version of the classic parable, the prince and the pauper and also the replaceable blonde woman is a waitress right in that douchey French guys face and also they could have made a very shocking sequel in which Riley, the carefree Australian goes all Wolf Creek[6] on Leighton Meester.

After this viewing I forgot about it entirely.

Several months later I was at a neighborhood joint I frequent often[7] when Gossip Girl came on. My only knowledge of Leighton Meester up until this point was as the wounded Meg Kelly. A woman driven by academic ambition who learns to accept levity into her life, by way of a very attractive Australian.

In Gossip Girl she plays Blair Waldorf, who is a huge bitch.

Blair is manipulative and just a meanie-pants in general. In specific, in the three episodes of Gossip Girl I saw she blackmailed two people and was really mean to another one and then kissed all the boys and I believe I’ve discovered the perfect analogy to what watching Gossip Girl was like.

Watching Gossip Girl was like the first time I went to visit my brother[8] in college and we got into a huge street fight with some other guys and then went downtown to a suite and sat around in the hallway passing around bottles of André and then me and this other guy got hungry so we went downstairs and ate Popeye’s. Gossip Girl is that chicken. I enjoyed the show a lot at the time, but later when I try to access it again it has turned into shit via entirely normal physical processes.

I have fond memories of watching Gossip Girl, but I’m not sure if that’s because I liked the show or because I was watching it with good company and I was in a great mood. That said, watching the show reminded me of something once said by noted cultural critic and current expatriate John Edwin Foster regarding the inevitable proletariat revolution.

J.E. and I were watching It’s Complicated[9], a movie where there are literally zero considerations for things like money and whatnot, and J.E. told me that when the proletariat revolts it will be because of It’s Complicated. They will rise up banners of fire and counter-oppression and as we look down from the diamond balcony we will have very little soul in our argument and they will justly rend us limb from limb.

Gossip Girl works in substititution for It’s Complicated[10].

The entire show could be summed up as #firstworldproblems. In the episode I watched, a character was removed from all his money, a problem he solved not through any great effort. He just fucked a cougar. Then he got called out on it and the explanation “I fucked a cougar because I needed the guapamole” was perfectly sufficent.

Similarly, someone’s mom was running a fashion show and the cool kids had to show up in order to make sure it was covered by the press. The cool kids did show up but the models didn’t so they had to be the models!

At this point, someone reading this should have bridled as the unfairly one-sided portrayal of Gossip Girl by someone who has admittedly seen a very small amount of the show. “What gives him the right,” you may be asking, “to decry such a show? It’s not like they’re trying to make a really deep show or anything.”

Touche.

Some people don’t know this about me[11], but I’ve seen every episode of Sex and the City and both movies. While the second movie is not really worth mentioning[12], I love the show. My mother suggested the reason why she likes Sex and the City and not shows like Desperate Housewives or Cougartown is because the show, on a very elementary level, is about friendship. That’s what seemed to be missing while I watched Gossip Girl. Blair and Serena have moments of comradery but their relationship is built on mutual antagonism.

The men in Sex and the City are mostly[13] one-dimensional coitus puppets. But the show uses them as plot devices to advance the women. If Berger hadn’t broken up with Carrie via post-it-note then we would have never realized how he, an intellectual foil to her, represented all her insecurities in a relationship and her constant desire to find easy happiness over lasting contentment.

When Chuck hits Blair it’s shocking, but it’s shocking in a way that American Psycho[14] is shocking. There’s no emotional fear, just a physical revulsion to the act. Patrick Bateman was created as a satire of east-coast elite, and so his violence is somewhat representative of the arrogance and incosiderateness of an entire class. When Chuck hits Blair it becomes apparent that you are watching either very deeply layered cultural criticism or a soap opera.

This begs a further question: what is wrong with a soap opera?

There is a prevailing theory that stating a genre informs the experience of the viewer on a fundamental level[15]. If you watch Gossip Girl through the lens that the production value would suggest, then ultimately you will be disappointed. The show is not as glitzy as the location scouting would suggest, it is base, and that is not an insult though it may sound like one. It is less than it claims to be, sure, but if we learned anything from the Nolan Batman trilogy[16] it was it’s not what you say, but what you do that makes you who you are. Despite Gossip Girl‘s vehement claims to the contrary, it is just a tabloid you peruse while waiting to check out at the grocery store. You might enjoy it, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but you should stay conscious of its deliberate sensationalism which fundamentally undermines any sensationalist aspirations it may have.

A final note:

Metafilmic influence is a crazy thing.

Remember Monte Carlo[17]? That was where I saw Leighton Meester for this first time. Usuaully, when an actor has a definitive role[18] it informs how the audience views them in subsequent roles (or previous roles viewed subsequently). This can also be true for the first role you see an actor in.

Imagine watching Gossip Girl through the lens formed by Monte Carlo. Blair Waldorf becomes an act to appear tough, a protection against something. But what?

Does Riley leave Meg after Monte Carlo ends? Is Blair just a girl who opened up her heart, only to have it Temple of Doom‘d, forcing her to act as heartless as possible to avoid being hurt again? Maybe all of her politicking is intentionally self-destructive, as she has seen how the only thing she needed for happiness was an oft-shirtless Australian.

Do you think that Blair ever finds herself sitting by a window in winter? She looks out onto the snow and sees not a blanket but a smothering force. She remembers the beach in Morocco where he told her that the key was not to worry and so she doesn’t. She laments. She ponders the consistency of words when their speaker has been proven to be so inconsistent. She might run a finger over her lips, but only if she is sure no one is watching.

Her phone vibrates. Serena wants to get drunk because she can taste Conneticut in her mouth and she wants to drown it out anyway possible.

When they are having sex with their boyfriends, they’ll think of each other.

It will not be a sexual thought. It will be the absolute misery that comes from realizing that in all of existence there is only one other person who understands your position, and that’s because she is also on her back, legs up in the air and over-priced liquor in her stomach too.

Later that night Blair will turn her head to the side as if to vomit, but nothing will come up. Her stomach has become too fortified against all the poison she ingests.[19]


[1]   I was trying to come up with the name Monte Carlo once and said Montenegro. Very different films, I recommend neither.

[2]   A lot of the time in grades 6-8 would be spent at Yu-Gi-Oh tournaments, a notoriously difficult game to report on.

[3]   I feel very bad for a lot of the actors in Glee because how can any other work be fulfilling after that?

[4]   In my more vain moments I like to imagine that there is a conspiratorial council dictating rapid-fire changes to Wikipedia just to foil the discovery of pleasant coincidinces in my life. Also I was banned from editing Wikipedia so I’m still a little sore about the whole thing.

[5]   There’s a really good drinking game where you drink and watch Real Sex and wonder what went wrong to lead you to this point.

[6]   This is a movie I recommend. If more people see it, then they’ll get what I mean when I drunkenly threaten to Wolf Creek their ass.

[7]   It’s called the Kitten Shack and three Zeta’s live there because only the best can wear the crown.

[9]   I liked It’s Complicated but then I really like Roxanne so maybe I’m just a Steve Martin fan

[10] So does Catcher in the Rye, sorry.

[11] All of you who don’t know me shouldn’t know this, but some people who do know me also don’t know this.

[12] Think Godfather III

[13] Except Aidan. Carrie and Aidan forever.

[14] I only own three DVD’s: American Psycho, Silence of the Lambs, and Remember the Titans.

[15] This is why Rian Johnson never told the cast of Brick that they were making a noire film. Genre conventions, etc.

[16] Those movies are worth watching a few times, which is independent of how good/enjoyable they are.

[17] You didn’t think I was never going to come back to it?

[18] So for John Lithgow, clearly it’s The World According to Garp

[19] The necessary accusation is that in order to write fan-fiction one must, on some level, be a fan.

Wiz Khalifa’s “Roll Up:” A Literary Analysis

5 Jul

The muse quitely ponders his convoluted relationship

Some of today’s top hits make me want to do heinous things to adorable animals. We really can get enough of the Black Eyed Peas rhyming “Flow-joe” and “X-O” in “Just Can’t Get Enough,” and I’m still out hunting for the miscreant who let Selena Gomez out of the Disney dungeon in order to record “Who Says.” However, when I tune into the radio I can’t help but turn up the volume to a bass-pounding level immediately upon hearing the first deliciously melodious notes to certain songs. One of these titans of tuneage amongst sing-a-long powerhouses like “Rolling in the Deep” and “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)” is Wiz Khalifa’s “Roll Up.”

Cameron Jibril Thomaz a.k.a. Wiz’s voice is endearing and soulful as he tells the story of presumably male subject who is trying to explain to a female that he is dependable. Though the song is the musical equivalent to a priceless Vermeer, one major question remains in regard to the plot of its lyrical composition. Is the main character involved in a sexual relationship with his “shawty,” or is their affinity merely a platonic bond with the potential for penetration?

These are the burning questions that keep America awake at night.

From the onset of the song, Wiz Khalifa explicitly states that the female lead is in a relationship, as it is her anniversary, but “her man ain’t actin’ right.” This woman then boards an airplane to visit the narrator and the befuddlement begins. He claims, “When you at home that’s your man, soon as you land you say that’s all me,” suggesting that the narrator has the same (sexual) relationship with this woman when she visits as she does with her boyfriend at home. Yet this connection is never made clear.

In spite of this apparent conclusion, a question about the narrator’s intentions remains. The chorus does not paint the narrator as a villain who is attempting to steal his “homie” from her man, but rather a dependable guy who will “roll up” whenever this woman needs him. The narrator repeats, ” Whenever you need me, whenever want me, you know you can call me, I’ll be there shortly.” In the chorus, he makes quite clear that their friendship is the most important part of the relationship, even referring to himself as her “best friend.” Even if there is no chance of road head or Skype sex, this guy will be there for this stupid betch. If their relationship is already sexual, what does he have to gain by indulging her every whim? Why does he still promise that he will “roll up”? From the chorus it seems as though he has not yet consummated the relationship and their correspondence appears platonic, although he clearly yearn for her.

Both Khalifa's devotion and true genius are on full display throughout the song

Furthermore, the narrator utilizes buzzwords reminiscent of the sordid sexual escapades of two star-crossed lovers. When integrated into the story of the song, they initially appear ordinary, but when analyzed alone, the verses sound more conspicuous than sores on herpes-infected genitals. Words like “fucking” and “ride” refer directly to the act of intercourse, while a reference to “handcuffing” subliminally prompts listeners to think of their own steamy fantasies of light bondage. More subtly, in one line the narrator claims that this woman is “cooking eggs in the morning.” This statement could refer to the fact that she is hungry in the morning because she is ravenous after a night of passionate love making, or possibly the efforts of the narrator’s sperm to fertilize or “cook” her eggs. Based on these findings, I have come to the conclusion that these two people have engaged in sexual relations. Although this in never made explicit, the manner in which Mr. Khalifa portrays their relationship connotes a bond that could only have been formed by nights spent groping her incredibly hot and voluptuous body while Marvin Gaye’s voice drowns out screams of pleasure.

Now that’s fresh.