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Tag Archives: senior year

From Wildkittens to Wildcougars: A GIF Journey from Freshman to Senior Year at Northwestern

2 Sep

Dear Class of 2017,

Three short years ago the class of 2014 shuffled at the pace of a dehydrated desert tortoise because everyone’s parents felt the need to take photos every five steps marched through the arch and commenced the drunk, sweaty adventure that was Wildcat Welcome 2010. In a few weeks, we’re really looking forward to sitting on our front porches, drinking beer that isn’t Busch Light, and watching you wander aimlessly as you try to find that awesome party near the corner of Maple and Simpson.

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9 Milestones You Hit in the 9 Years The Office has been on TV

16 May
Said everyone when The Office stopped running.

Said everyone when The Office stopped running.

For those of us who are soon-to-be rising seniors, The Office has been a fixture in our lives since we were greasy haired seventh graders trying to cope with the idea that there could be letters in a math problem (seriously, WTF still?). Although the last few seasons have been lackluster, we have to admit that we used to drop everything on Thursday night to invite Michael, Pam, Jim, and Dwight into our homes and our hearts. So in celebration of tonight’s series finale, let’s take a look at some of the adolescent milestones we experienced over the course of The Office‘s nine-year tenure.

2005: Received some wisdom from your middle school health teacher.

2006: Went to your first school dance. You were too scared to grind to Ms. New Booty, but you managed to blend in somehow.

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What You’re Really Doing at College

27 Feb

What students do in between live sex demonstrations or producing Chet Haze’s next record

College: The Pinnacle of Higher Education. Years of hard-work, civic involvement, and awkward loneliness have brought you here. This is the culmination of everything you thought you were working for when you were President of your high school’s National Honor Society, German Club, Breakdancing Club, Future Leaders of America Club, and the “Fuck I Just Want to Get Into a Really Good School Can’t You Fucking Stupid Admission Officers See That Club” (I dedicated most of my time to the F.I.J.W.G.I.R.S.C.Y.F.S.A.O.S.T.C.). And you’ve made it kid – you’re here. However, now that you’ve reached this shining beacon of knowledge, there’s one thing you don’t want to do: work. After a lifetime of pretending to care about learning, you’re just plain out of shits to give. But since you’re here, you may as well do something. Here’s what you probably spend most your time doing at college.

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The 5 Historical Figures You’d Most Like To See at a Frat Party

1 Nov

Hey babe, you can't spell "annulment" without a "u" and a "me"

5. Catherine of Aragon
First of all, let’s be real: This crazy bitch could get into any frat party she wanted. The last time she was rejected by a man, that man was excommunicated by the Catholic Church. No doorman would want to turn her away (unless, of course, she was trying to get into AEPi). Once at the party, there’s no telling what kind of shit this Iberian bombshell would do. It’s safe to assume she’d still be looking for a rebound after her messy split from King Henry VIII, and considering that he was a fat sack of shit, she would probably have pretty low standards. Sex-deprived Northwestern students would be falling all over each other for the chance to hook up with this royal slampiece.

4. Gustavus Adolphus
At the ripe age of 17, most of us were engaged in very mundane activities – applying to colleges, trying to power through senior year, dedicating 5-8 hours a day to Sporcle, etc. Gustavus Adolphus? At age 17, he was the commander of the largest army in recorded history up to that point. Setting aside the all-consuming fear I have of this Swede, he would be an excellent addition to any party environment. Between in-depth explanations of battlefield tactics and incredible first-person military accounts, he would presumably inflict fatal wounds upon at least 15 obnoxious douchebags and impregnate at least 35 Thetas.

McClellan could mix pretentious douchiness with an inability to follow through like some of the best gentlemen PIKE has ever produced

3. General George B. McClellan
Okay, we all know the guy was a total bitch. However, a high level of bitchery does not prevent a high level of frattery. In fact, it probably encourages it. Therefore, while General McClellan may have been largely responsible for thousands of Union casualties at the Battle of Antietam due to his ill-advised decision not to deploy the entire army, there is little doubt that the man known far and wide as the most popular Union general would be able to throw down like my redneck relatives at a Hank Williams Jr. concert. Additionally, McClellan’s post-war career in New Jersey politics was certainly the foundation for the collective heinousness of the Jersey Shore cast.

2. Bill Clinton
I have yet to meet someone from Arkansas who couldn’t hold their liquor, and if there happens to be an Arkansan who can’t, it sure as hell isn’t William Jefferson Clinton. To begin with, it’s universally understood that the length of one’s middle name is directly correlated with his or her greatness. Think about it – there are Ross Benjaminfranklingeorgewashington Packinghams, and there are James Earl Carters. Furthermore, almost everyone likes Bill Clinton. And for the few that don’t, they wouldn’t have to deal with him long before he mysteriously disappears with an overly-intoxicated freshman girl.

Good thing the theme party tonight is "Tsars in Bars"

1. Peter the Great
We must acknowledge an absolute truth: Russians can drink anybody under the table. Any doubts I had about that fact were dispelled when I read War and Peace. Even so, Peter the Great makes all other Russians look like an Orgo study group when it comes to plasterability and general badassery. If this boss motherfucker were at a frat party, he would make even the broiest Sig Eps and Lodges look like prepubescent flautists as he takes 45-second swigs of grain alcohol while giving a detailed account of the time he murdered his son on the basis of his son being a pussy.