Class of 2014’s Senior Citizens Thrilled with Selection of Commencement Speaker

(via voices.suntimes.com)

EVANSTON, Il. – The news that Riccardo Muti, music director of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, was tabbed as this year’s commencement speaker for Northwestern University was met with overwhelming excitement on Thursday by the large contingent of senior citizens in the Class of 2014.

“I’m a pretty a typical Northwestern student. I have seven grandchildren, reading glasses, and a hip replacement,” explained eighty-five year-old Weinberg senior Wilfred O. Rumpelstein. “So I think I speak for all of my classmates when I say that a classical music director is kind of a dream selection for the speaker that will wrap up my college experience.”

Campus officials explained that the decision was an easy one. “We’re very happy with the selection of Riccardo Muti as this year’s commencement speaker,” said one campus official on Thursday. “We were looking for someone who represented the interests of the outgoing class and a seventy-two year old, Italian classical music conductor seemed like the obvious choice.”

Schapiro Urges Jewish Graduating Seniors to Donate $57.74

(via Northwestern)

Citing the year in the Hebrew calendar and the great importance of giving back to the university, Northwestern President Morty Schapiro asked graduating seniors of Jewish descent to donate $57.74 in an email this morning.

The move was unexpected, as past graduating classes have been asked only to donate according to the year in the Gregorian calendar, recently totaling only about $20. But Schapiro believes it is important for seniors raised in the Jewish tradition to give the extra $37.60.

“More than fundraising, the senior gift is about ensuring the survival of traditions at Northwestern,” said Schapiro in the email, which was sent only to Jewish seniors. “And what better way to honor the Jewish tradition than by identifying yourselves not as the Class of 2014, but as the Class of 5774.”

Added Schapiro, “But also, fundraising.”

29 Things that will Happen at Northwestern Just After You Graduate

1) The US News & World Report will rank Northwestern in the Top 10 Best Schools in the Nation.

Opening date: June 20 2014, THE EXACT MOMENT Commencement ends. (via The Daily Northwestern)

2) The University will purchase 25 new safe ride cars.

3) The new student center and lakeside athletic facilities will be built literally overnight, complete with sports bar.

4) Morty will commission a

“Ugh, I’m Such A SWUG,” Announces Girl With a 3.9 And Offers From McKinsey And Nielsen

EVANSTON– Senior Anna Penderson told her friends Tuesday afternoon that she is “officially” a senior washed up girl, according to witness reports.

“Ugh, I’m such a SWUG,” she declared while poring over her econometrics notes. “Like,

From Wildkittens to Wildcougars: A GIF Journey from Freshman to Senior Year at Northwestern

Dear Class of 2017,

Three short years ago the class of 2014 shuffled at the pace of a dehydrated desert tortoise because everyone’s parents felt the need to take photos every five steps marched through the arch and commenced the drunk, sweaty adventure that was Wildcat Welcome 2010. In a few weeks, we’re really looking forward to sitting on our front porches, drinking beer that isn’t Busch Light, and watching you wander aimlessly as you try to find that awesome party near the corner of Maple and Simpson.