Evanston, Il.— In response to the anti-gay flyers handed out at Northwestern’s Arch this afternoon, Northwestern University has decided to replace some of Northwestern’s acronyms with acronyms that are more LGBT friendly to show support for Northwestern’s queer students.
“We think this flyer situation is Continue reading
(via CBS)
Did you know that there was a Northwestern senior on Survivor? We do. We interviewed her. Alexis Maxwell represented us ‘Cats on Season 28 of Survivor, which pitted Brains against Brawns against Beauties. Alexis put her SESP and psychology skills to the test in the Beauty tribe before she was ultimately voted off the show. While she may not have won the million dollar prize, Alexis captured the hearts of creepy men on twitter, past Survivor contestants, and two of our heinous writers:
Smangston Hughes: So should we refer to you as Alexis or Alexis-Maxwell-That-Girl-in-Theta-on-Survivor? Which do you prefer?
Alexis: (Laughs) You could cut the Theta part.
Smangston Hughes: Perfect. So besides Dillo Day, how did your Northwestern experience help prepare you for Survivor? Continue reading
“Everybody poops, you are not alone”- Radiohead
Up until going abroad a few months ago (in a place with not-so-great toilets, as it were), I had a really hard time dropping a deuce anywhere but home. It wasn’t that I couldn’t; in a high stress, emergency scenario, I was perfectly capable of using a public toilet. But it was never a comfortable experience, and despite my recent maturation, pooping in a public place is still something of a trying experience for me.
It may well be that I am alone in struggling to drop trou in public restrooms. I have a hard time believing that I am #foreveralone, but even if we say for the sake of argument that I am, I’m still sure that everyone, I mean virtually EVERY man, woman, child, and other, prefers to poop in comfortable circumstances. It’s why dogs prefer the grass to the sidewalk, why cats prefer anywhere but the litter box to the litter box (wait no that’s because cats are total dicks nevermind).
1. Now I have 40 more Facebook friends. Can some1 say #popular?
2. Sleep
3. When I speak to people, there can be a natural pause in the conversation and I don’t have to worry that the other person will think I’m weird or awkward
4. Today my alarm went off and I was like oh I should get up and shower and then I was like nah and slept for another 25 minutes
Earlier this summer, Sherman Ave editors Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III interviewed Psychology professor and Allison Hall live-in Renee Engeln-Maddox at Sherman Ave Headquarters. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, it’s because that’s what happens when we decide to wait to publish interviews for three months due to reasons.
Renee, shortly after realizing what a terrible, terrible mistake it was to agree to an interview with us.
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Packingham: We noticed you didn’t bring your dog to his interview… Is he gonna make it, or…?
Renee: He’s visiting Grandma right now, actually.
Twattingworth: Well, all of our questions were for him, soooo…
Renee: Oh, do you want me to leave? He doesn’t really know many words, though. Plus he would get dog hair all over your apartment.
Packingham: Probably not the worst thing this apartment has been through.
Twattingworth: This is actually the cleanest it’s looked in weeks.
Renee: This is… Um. You cleaned?
Twattingworth: A lot.
Renee [pointing to where we stashed the beer pong cups]: Meaning you stashed the beer pong cups in a row?
Twattingworth: Well that cup used to be over here.
Packingham: Do you watch Game of Thrones?
Renee: Mhm, I unfortunately got really excited about the new season and I yelled to my Psychopathology class, Continue reading
Douche Croissants
EVANSTON–After returning from a 5-month study abroad program located in Paris, France, Sally Peterson (Weinberg ’14) reportedly spent the next month and a half being an annoying prick about how life-changing the experience was.
Those who have spoken to Peterson since she returned have said that she “literally will not shut the fuck up about study abroad and how cultured she is.”
EVANSTON– More than 200 professors from all six schools at Northwestern University met this morning in an annual summit dedicated to scheduling midterms in a way that most frustrates and inconveniences undergraduate students, sources report.
The meeting, which was held in the Norris Student Center’s Louis Room, was called to order at 9:02 am by President Morton Schapiro. Schapiro started off with a few opening remarks about the importance of this annual convention, and what it means to the community.
“I greatly appreciate each and every one of you taking time out of your busy schedules to come gather here on this momentous occasion,” said Schapiro. “Without your time and dedication, we would be forced to schedule midterms independently, and that would almost ensure that students would have midterms days, even weeks apart. And what’s worse, their midterms could be at reasonable times and accessible places.” Continue reading
EVANSTON, IL — In a shocking revelation that is sure to cause much consternation among the Northwestern student body, President Morty Schapiro released the details of a sweeping investigation into the University’s safeguards against a potential zombie apocalypse and pre-existing emergency procedures. The prognosis? Not good.
One day you're just watching a live Human Sexuality demonstration, and the next, BAM! You're nailing a zombie with a crowbar
“I am not at liberty to discuss this matter at the moment,” Dean of Students Burgie Howard said at an emergency press conference this morning, “But rest assured that the Administration is doing everything in its power to protect its students and faculty from vicious humanoid brain-eaters.”
According to the report, much of the concern centers around the basement of Tech, long rumored to be the location of covert government-funded experimentation on flesh re-animation. With relatively few safeguards protecting against the hubris of man, the over-reaching arm of science, or the spread of a zombification pandemic of global proportions, many experts have wondered how Northwestern has gone so long without an outbreak. The RZA’s analysis worries that, in the event that an experiment goes terribly awry and even one zombie leaves the basement of Tech (assuming, of course, that it can navigate its way out, a task that’s hard enough for most sentient liberal arts majors), the premeds and engineers would be too beaten down from their coursework to properly ward off even a relatively mild zombie attack.
With a potential zombie apocalypse under way, the report moves on to question the University’s ability to prevent the proliferation of the walking dead. From Tech, a horde in search of delicious human flesh would have to stumble no more than a few yards to feast in the fraternity quad or SPAC, increasing in size and athleticism as the feeding frenzy continued. A defenseless south campus would quickly fall, leaving the entire metropolis of Chicago (just a short El ride away!) in imminent danger of being consumed by an uncontrolled throng of zombified undergrads with a serious case of the munchies.
Expect to see this taped to sidewalks everywhere
The report has left University officials scrambling to respond to the revelations. Anonymous sources have noted that, under the direction of the newly appointed Zombie Defense Minister Evan Watkins, the school is reexamining its current zombie defense strategy, which involves barricading all uninfected students and faculty in the library while food, weapons, and Woody Harrelson are parachuted in to ward off an attack. Proposed revisions to the defense strategy include upgrading from Harrelson to Will Smith, diverting money from the current capital campaign to construct a $2,000,000,000 bunker in the current location of the Norris Student Center, or simply letting President Morty loose on the zombies wielding nothing but a chain saw.
Northwestern has also already begun implementing smaller changes to boost zombie preparedness, naming The Zombie Survival Guide as next year’s One Book, One Northwestern, placing copies of Left for Dead in every dorm, frat, and sorority, and offering flame thrower lessons as Norris Mini-Courses. All students have been issued electronic warnings of the present danger, and have been instructed to shoot any frat brother on sight who claims to be on the prowl for a “warm piece of flesh,” or exhibits any other characteristics of the walking dead, such as uncoordinated shambling, incoherent moaning, or poor hygiene. Student response has been mixed so far.
“Oh my God! OH MY GOD! HOLY FUCKING SWEET BABY JESUS DON’T LET ME DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!”
said Weinberg Junior Alison Barnes, before purchasing a double-barreled shotgun off the back of a pickup truck.
But SESP Senior Mike Harding had a different take on the report.
“Zombies are still humans, and deserve to be treated with love and respect just like anybody else. They still have rights, you know,” Harding said. “And you know what? I find the term ‘zombie’ to be grotesquely offensive. My colleagues and I prefer the term ‘the animated deceased’ in polite company.”
Regardless of the fallout from the report, most agree that the best possible mode of action for Northwestern is to recognize the grave threat of a zombie apocalypse occurring right in the midst of our own hallowed grounds, and endorse a strong policy of zombie defense and preparedness.
Sherman Ave 