An Analysis of the Top 10 Booty Call Texts of All Time

“Would I like to put my pee-pee in your hoo-hah? Yes please!” (via shutterstock.com)

Ah, winter in Evanston. I can’t think of a more romantic time and place to be. You probably met a bunch of new people during fall quarter when it was possible to go outside and be social without getting frostbite and dying in a ditch by the side of the road. Odds are, you banged some of those people. That’s pretty rad, dude. Congrats.

But then the frigid death grip of winter tightens its hold around all of our lives, and we’re forced to meet certain base human requirements with people whose numbers are in our phone. Of course, I’m talking about The Booty Call.

So how does one make sure they’re accurately conveying, in piss drunk-text form, the kind of wanton lust that so strikes us in these situations? It can be difficult to navigate, so I’ve gone ahead and compiled a list of the 10 most classic booty call texts of all time, complete with an analysis of each. Happy hunting.

Mayoral Sexting Scandal Strikes Evanston

Evanston, IL–In a shocking turn of events, embedded Sherman Ave reporters have recently uncovered that the mayor of the City of Evanston, Elizabeth Gertrude Tisdahl, has been involved in a tawdry sexting scandal with some of Evanston’s most elite and respected community members. And while much has yet to be discovered, the Pacemaker-nominated researchers at Sherman Ave have been able to access transcripts of several of the exchanges (below).

Disclaimer: The following information is not safe for work. Please proceed with caution.

Snapchat: A User’s Guide

Snapchat Episode V: The Bro-Tank Strikes Back

I understand your pain. No matter how many times you’re stuck trying to convince your puritanical family and friends, they just don’t get it. “Snapchat. That’s the one for sexting isn’t it?”

No, texting is the app for sexting. Snapchat is the app for liberating yourself from the chains and pains of recorded history and, from time to time, sharing your junk with strangers. Nothing to confuse here.

Even the most sext-averse among us, however, can catch the Snap. It’s as simple as doing it right.

RULES OF SNAPCHAT DONE RIGHT

The first rule of Snapchat is to respect the purpose of the app. No other form of communication provides a history catalog as fleeting, and at times frustrating, as Snapchat. While you may curse the creators for only providing you the names and times of what’s taken place before your eyes, you cannot, under any circumstances, take screenshots of what’s been sent to you for the potential purpose of blackmail. Joining Snapchat is automatic enrollment into a community which lives in a safezone of 3am mistakes.

Sure, if someone sends a well-captioned picture of a man on the El wearing nothing but a snuggie and denim socks, you should rightfully record this for safekeeping. The world needs to know about denim socks.

But, when in the course of human events is it necessary to capture your friend’s quadruple chin or your ex’s chiseled quads? Look at your life and look at your Snapchat before it’s gone. Be the bigger ex and let it disappear.

AS FOR WHAT YOU SHOULD BE SNAPOVATING

No one wants another captionless selfie from that one angle that works for you on a day you’ve convinced yourself you look fresh. Instead, exploit Snapchat’s most lucrative feature: deshaming the public selfie.

Petraeus’s replacement: Anyone who uses Snapchat

In the wake of David Petraeus’s sexy resignation from the head of the CIA, President Barack Obama has been left looking for potential replacements. The speculation has been rampant, with pundits all over the Chevy Chase area chiming in about whom they would prefer secretly listens to their phone calls without a warrant in the coming years.

You could cut the sexual tension in here with a drilldo.