Fall Quarter, Freshman Year – What You Have/Will Have Learned

Tears come easier afteer a long day of pregaming football games.

My fall quarter freshman year was a whirlwind of Skol, strangers, and non-existent study hours. If you’re a freshman, learn these lessons now. If you’re not, congratu-fucking-lations on your extraordinary level of coolness and your through-the-roof tolerance. I’m sure you can relate to all of these.

You should probably study sometime
Those C’s will catch up with you and prevent you from doing some pretty cool shenanigans. For those of you who didn’t have to study in high school – shit got real once you showed up here. Learn how to study (it’s difficult, I know).

People here all have cool backgrounds and interesting stories
Most people at Northwestern aren’t vapid, moronic human beings. We’re all pretty cool and interesting. I even know someone from a town who had a guy going around fucking sheep. Yes, you read that right.

Dressing up for parties isn’t as fun and sexy as you thought it’d be
In fact, it’s really tiring… I’m just straight up exhausted with seeing decked-out freshmen walk into parties rolling 30-deep. It’s 7 degrees outside. Ditch the skirt that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination and do your best to obtain a little self-respect.

Dignity is hard!
Your hookups will definitely come back to haunt you on your walk down Sheridan Road, and you wont know if a) they remember you and b) if you should say hi. You’ll also probably have had some less than stellar nights and moments at parties where “What the fuck?” was the only possible reaction. Hold your head high and suck it up. You’re better than those moments and people will forget about it. Probably.

That awkwardness doesn’t mean you should be unfriendly as fuck, however. Don’t reinforce the stereotype that we nerds here at Northwestern are also socially incompetent. We all know that you remember taking shots to big booty hoes this weekend, so acknowledge me when I pass you by.

You shouldn’t be pretending to “know” people
Remember that one time you walked up to that frat house, dropped a random Facebook friend’s name, and was promptly told that he was out of the country? Yeah, you’re always going to feel weird about that one. Make real connections and don’t abuse your friendships in order to get drunk.

And if you haven’t learned anything else, you must have learned that applications to write for Sherman Ave are available NOW.

Places You Shouldn’t Meet a Girl

Continuing yesterday’s romantic advice of Manua Hiki-Hiki, Professor J. Reginald Vandernips offers some suggestions for inadvisable places to meet a future paramour.

Currently plotting the best way to get you to buy her a drink

You met her at the Keg.
Now, no one is criticizing you for lacerating some girl’s uvula on a beer and Long Island Iced Tea soaked particle board floor last Saturday. In fact, it would be a social infraction if you had actually bought her a cheap drink. But no matter, at that point you had already hopped the fence, swaggered in as if you weren’t a depraved freshman, and maybe gotten her digits (They still call them digits… right?). However, after your forgotten night of passion, you may have woken up with a text that said something along the lines of, “Lykeee, yah.less D@te!!!” Far be it from me to interpret such a heinous message, but it looks like you might have missed your chance for some shenanigans. When that broad wakes up, she’s not gonna want to relive that night again with you, and even if you look as douchey as you can possibly make yourself (Read: Chet Haze), she’s going to use every drunken night as an attempt to oppress the thought of you. Bottom line: Keg-Girls will abuse you like you abused her inebriation.

You met her at an Occupy Wall Street rally
Don’t even fucking touch that unless you want your genitalia pepper-sprayed.

You met her in an Intro class
Chances are she’s either a desperate sophomore or a sleazy freshman. At most, test them through a series of hardcore study sessions in the African stacks or the reference section; otherwise you’ll be listing Catullus poems, Kafka references, and economic models that relate to your downward-spiraling romance.

You met her in high school
Good luck.

The Pippa Middleton of the U.S. Coast Guard

You met her at the nearby Coast Guard base
Firstly, what the fuck were you doing trolling that part of town? You have some issues, but more than that, why are you creating a relationship with a timeline? Obviously they’re gonna ship out soon. Maybe you want a uniformed hookup buddy. I can respect that. But odds are, you’re gonna be dealing with some drunkard that had too much fun at a Chicago bar and just wants a good man cushion to drool on in a dorm before heading back to the base. Let that ship sail man. (Pun totally intended)

You met her in the library. She has a Starbucks latte in a reusable mug, a Mac, and four colored highlighters.
You just met the number one dominatrix on this campus and by the end of one night, you never want to hear the words feather, tickle, riding crop, and sex in the same sentence. Most likely you’ll have to put that bitch in a pentagram and say some demonic prayer to get rid of her.

You met her at Whole foods as she was perusing the patchouli aisle.
Well, chances are you’ll have some crazy drug-induced-euphoric tantric sex, but other than that, the earthen crust that has taken root in your hair is starting to breed, and you’re not sure that the infestation is something even Morty can demolish with a few McCormick fellows.

And you thought "stagflation" only referred to economic growth...

You met her at Kellogg
You might have to pay for sex on a regular basis and suffer through economic diatribes and a lackluster emotional exchange. In fact, you might wonder if she even has a soul. If she’s thinking of a future in investment banking, it’s a lost cause.

You met her in the SPAC showers
Think about that sentence for just a moment. See why that’s a bad idea?

BUT DON’T WORRY! There are plenty of places to meet young women to date. Unfortunately, those places don’t exist on the NU campus, regardless of how pretty or effeminate those maidens might be. You’ll just have to suck it up and nurse yourself to sleep with one of those Asian girl body pillows and sugar plum dreams of Eleanor Kinkervoss.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: How to Party Like a Wildcat

NOTE: According to the Illinois Liquor Control Act of 1934, no person under the age of 21 years old may purchase, drink or possess any alcoholic beverage. Therefore, I would like to ask anyone under 21 years of age to stop reading this post and go back to watching Dora the Explorer or whatever the fuck you children do. I would also like to point out that while this post is intended for incoming freshman, I am assuming that the vast majority of freshman took three consecutive gap-years (The Gapfecta) and are currently 21.

Now then. Care to Party Rock?