Northwestern Bicyclists Protest Wider Sidewalks, Claim It Will Make Their Game “Heart Attack” Too Difficult

With spring in the air Northwestern has begun to seriously consider widening the now crowded sidewalks.  However, the initiative has been met with opposition.  This weekend, over a hundred Northwestern bicyclists appeared outside Norris to protest the proposal.  The organizer of the protest, Victor Elmsworth, had this to say, “I admit we’re a bit spoiled here at NU.  For years we have made Sheridan sidewalks one of the most infamous arenas to play ‘Heart Attack.’ If the school widens our sidewalks, it will be almost impossible to get even ten points a week!”

The point system, of course referring the official “Heart Attack” scoring scale, consists of several opportunities to acquire points.  For example, riding up to a defenseless student and locking the brakes just before contact will be awarded two points.  If you splinter off the sidewalk and manage to narrowly cut someone off upon re-entry, you are awarded three. And finally, if you just run the son of a bitch over, you are awarded five.

The leading scorer, Tanner Worthington, also expressed displeasure

12 Brutally Honest Responses to Give to an Acquaintance Who Asks You “How’s It Going?”

It’s spring bitches! Warm weather is here now and people are starting to interact outside again. Anonymity is a thing of the past; no longer can you trudge up Sheridan in your puffy coat and blanket-sized scarf, blending in with the rest of the amorphous blobs in backpacks.

The newfound warmth is fantastic, but it definitely comes with some baggage. For instance, when you’re walking into the wind, your t-shirt might cling to your stomach and reveal the small gut that you weren’t so motivated to work off in the winter. If you’re a girl, maybe you have to shave your legs more often than you did in those cold winter months. The worst side-effect of the nice weather, by far, is that people will be able to recognize you and they will be more prone to try to engage you in a social manner.

Inevitably, you’ll make eye contact with a loose acquaintance at some point when you’re walking to class or hanging out at the Lakefill. Because you go to Northwestern, both of you will probably be awkward as fuck and not know what to do. However, if you’re extremely unlucky, your acquaintance might try to be normal and wave to you or ask you “what’s up?” or “how’s it going?”  This would be a nightmare, because

Ode to the Campus Loop

Northwestern Shuttle Missing for Ten Days; Found in Lake Michigan

Pictured: the approximate search area for the missing bus.

EVANSTON, IL – A bus along Sheridan containing a full load of zero passengers recently disappeared from campus. After ten days of intense lounging-about, authorities announced that they believe the bus was driven into Lake Michigan.

“Once we finally left the police station, we noticed the bus sized holes through Kellogg and the Main Library. Honestly, at first we assumed this was just the typical decrepit state of the campus buildings, but after following the trail through Einstein’s and Core 1N we noticed a bus-like-object face down in the lake” explained Head of Campus Police Ross Sweet.

Medill sophomore Tiffany Jenkinson pointed to the SGA’s failings: “If only we had spent our 10K on black box program for the buses, we would have more complete record of what exactly happened; the debris, tire tracks, and witnesses just can’t paint the same picture as an audio recording of the deafening silence as the empty bus plunged into the depths of Lake Michigan.”

Conquering Eye Contact: A Point System that Dictates What to Do after Locking Eyes with Someone You Know

In case you don’t know what eye contact looks like, here is a helpful diagram. (via writingraindrops.blogspot.com)

Although it happens every day, it’s profoundly startling to realize that you recognize a person that you may see. And yes, through a puffy Canada Goose jacket, a scarf and a Balaclava, that person is looking right back at you. G-wiz, this is awkward—should you wave? Smile? Frown?

This is a points-based system that determines how to act after making eye contact with someone you recognize—let’s call him or her Person “A”. Add or subtract points as you read each step; then, compare your sum to the rubric at the end to determine your least cringe-worthy next move.

1. You know/don’t know

Sherman Ave’s 14-Step Guide to Green Cup

Growing your own weed is a great way to reduce greenhouse emissions from its transportation!

The Green Cup has begun. Yet another year’s Battle of Champions has kicked off. Who will make SEED the proudest? Who will prove themselves true warriors of conservation? Who is willing to go the longest without flushing their toilet?

Here are Sherman Ave’s 14 tips to show off your raw, feral dominance over all the others on campus.

The Four Stages of Intoxication at Northwestern

Sometimes, one PBR just isn’t enough for a night in the stacks.

1.     Michael Cera: Nursing your first natty

Hey. You’re in the corner? Oh wow, I’m in the corner too. Wow, yeah. This corner is really hopping. [Silence]. Are you having fun in this corner? Yeah. Yeah, me too. I really like this song.

Hey, so this is probably gonna come off kinda weird but I thought I’d say a couple run-on sentences in a breathy detached voice about how pretty your eyelashes looked when that dude who looks like Tori Spelling stumbled into the wall and turned the light switch on for a second and I’m sorta hoping if I tell you this I’ll get laid cause you think I’m cute. I mean I’m not like trying to tell you you’re attractive but I’m not trying to tell you you’re not or anything, I guess if it’s okay that I think you’re really attractive then yeah that’s how I meant it. Oh. Oh, yeah. You have a boyfriend. You know, I think I need another drink.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Bicycles at NU

Testicular cancer? No way bro.

Before I came to Northwestern, it had been 3 years since I had ridden a bicycle for, well, socially acceptable purposes. Like most high school students, I felt that riding a bicycle was incredibly lame compared to owning a car, and even though most students at my high school did not own a car, getting a ride from your mom was still considered cooler than riding your bicycle (LOGIC BOMB). Nowadays, riding your bike is “hip,” “cool,” “environmentally friendly,” “a political endorsement of socialism,” etc. At Northwestern, riding your bike is a super viable way of getting to such important locations as: the student center that no one is close to; that place on Clarke that’s practically off-campus but for some reason they have classes there; your local alcohol purveyor; and many more. It’s important to understand whether owning and operating a bicycle at NU is the right decision for you. The following is a personal 2^nd amendment-centric manifesto confessional sexual novel handy guide on biking at NU.

The 3 Facebook Atrocities That Old People Routinely Commit

I’ll be the first one to admit that I love Facebook.  I love Facebook in a manner that many wouldn’t describe as “platonic.”  I love intently scrolling down my newsfeed and discovering every minute detail of all the incredibly heinous people I know.  I love clicking through photo albums and practically becoming vicariously intoxicated through them.  I especially love defriending annoying people from my high school after they post the 30th consecutive status posting lyrics from a Rascal Flatts song.  However, a few years ago, my utopian virtual community was greatly endangered when my parents invited themselves into it.  Mom and Dad, I love you both very much, but here’s what it boils down to:  If you were alive when Nikita Khrushchev took office, you’re too old to understand the basic inner workings of social networks.  Thus, without further ado, I present:  The 3 Facebook Atrocities That Old People Routinely Commit.

"Wow, she's taking four at once!"

3. The Weird Profile Picture

I don’t know what it is about being born during the Eisenhower administration that makes the concept of a profile picture so difficult for older people to grasp, but it’s seriously becoming an issue. Part of the problem is that our nation’s soon-to-be social security recipients have managed to bastardize the sanctity of the profile picture in such a wide variety of ways.  The first infraction is the “Family Member” pic, in which a geriatric friend’s profile picture is a picture of his or her son, daughter, spouse, or something of the sort.  While this gesture is meant endearingly about 90% of the time (the other 10% is just old guys trying to make themselves seem younger so they can pick up cheap elderly floozies), it still adds confusion to the chaotic fuckshow that Facebook already is.  Another infraction of Prof-Pic etiquette is the “Doppelgänger” pic – an approach that gets old after about a week and only works if it’s a good doppelgänger.  (Side note:  I’m not putting an umlaut over the “a” in doppelgänger.  My computer is doing it for me.  I’m not that pretentious.  I also have a very serious personal aversion to umlauts.)  The doppelgänger approach is very proudly employed by my parents, or as strangers might know them, Lou Reed and Doris Day.  The third infraction is the “What the fuck” profile picture, in which the picture is something that literally could not make less sense.  Examples of this infraction include the planet Saturn, a garden hose, and a dead fish.

BUT YOU CAN'T. YOU CAN'T AT ALL.

2.  The Oblivious Comment

The only thing worse than old people being socially oblivious on their own Facebook pages is when their unawareness inevitably encroaches onto your Facebook page.  Old people have a tendency to make the most awkward and unfitting comments on statuses, wall posts, and pictures.  For example, I recently posted a link to Manua Hiki-Hiki’s Small Penis Rule article on my Facebook page, seeing as the central tenet of the Sherman Ave code is that shameless self-promotion is a must.  My step-father wasted no time in commenting: “Somehow, without even reading the byline, Pete, I knew this was you.”  Yep.  A small penis joke made at my expense.  By my step-father.  If that isn’t heinous, I’ve truly lost my grip on reality.  (On the bright side, a few years ago when he thought it would be appropriate to imply that one of my statuses was about masturbation, he at least had the good sense to message me his atrociously unfunny joke instead of posting it for the world to see.)  What’s even funnier is when older folks comment on a picture and fail to pick up on the fact that everyone in the picture is unreasonably intoxicated.  Comments like “Sitting down in the middle of Sheridan is unsafe!” or “Why are those cups arranged in a triangle?” never fail to bring unprecedented levels of discomfort to Facebook albums.

1.  Sincerity

A prime example of the atrocities that Facebook begets.

I honestly don’t understand what isn’t clear about this fact: Facebook is not about sincerity.  Facebook is not about congratulating people on achievements, expressing genuine interest in their lives, or sharing legitimate ideas.  It’s called Facebook, not Church Fucking Picnic.  Facebook is a never-ending competition to be the most obnoxious person you can be.  Facebook is about recording videos of someone sitting next to you in lecture and posting it to their wall.  Facebook is about finding a picture of a young Sir Twattingworth III and posting it on the walls of 35 friends.  Facebook is about posting the link to a Sporcle quiz on a friend’s wall to implicitly indicate that you aced the quiz and will subsequently power-trip about it.  Facebook is about finding your way into the Notre Dame Class of 2015 Facebook group and ruining it.  And as long as gerontology study subjects fail to realize the unthinkable heinousness of Facebook, they will be forever tainting it (lol) with their old person sincerity and awkwardness.

How to survive a walk down Sheridan Road

Always stay vigilant of your surroundings

Let’s face it: you didn’t come to Northwestern because you’re good at socializing. You probably came here because you got a 33 on your ACT, placed in the semifinals of Scholastic Bowl, and get offended when Harry Potter placement quizzes dare to put you in Gryffindor (RAVENCLAW 4 LYFE BRAH).

Yet I’m sure your social skillz have blossomed beautifully over the last few months or years. Just the other day I saw a friend on a shuttle and managed to sit next to him and hold polite conversation for 30 whole seconds without saying the word “scrotum!” So that was successful.

But, since not all social interactions can go that smoothly, I’ve decided to try and bestow some advice on the most socially difficult situation an NU student can run into: seeing someone you know on Sheridan Road.

Here’s what to do in a variety of situations:

Someone you’ve never met, but you know who they are:
DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT. Look down or up or at your phone or to the side or pretty much anywhere but into their corneas. If you’re particularly socially able, engage in conversation with the person you’re walking with. This will make it less obvious that you are feverishly watching the other person in your peripheral vision.

Someone you’ve met once or twice:
Depending on how the last interaction went, it may be acceptable to wave or say a quick “hi.” This is certainly not required, and the other person should not be offended if you do not do so. But if the last encounter you had was pleasant and social you should feel free to greet them briefly as you pass. However, this is NOT a situation where you stop and say, “How ARE you? Ugh, I feel like we haven’t talked in forever! Let’s get Kafein soon!”

Socializing in a simpler time

Someone you know casually, as in from a party or through a mutual friend:
Say hello and wave. This is an opportunity to make a friend! If they seem particularly excited, you can throw in a “How are ya?” or “How’ve you been?” After several of these encounters and if the blooming friendship seems consensual, you can stop to talk or add a little more to the conversation.

Someone who you drunkenly met and hung out with at a party:
Oh God this can be awkward. First, how sure are you that they even remember you? If they were potentially blacked out, do not make eye contact unless they prompt it. If you’re sure they remember you and you didn’t do anything awkward, wave casually and maybe smile. If, however, it was one of those terrific drunken nights where you bond on the roof of Swift, feel free to be more enthusiastic. If you’re both still just glad to be alive, perhaps share a knowing laugh. If you ended the night by promising to become bestiez and exchanging numbers, you should probably hug. You are bestiez now, after all.

Someone you’ve hung out with several times:
Say hi. Try to be normal. Hopefully you have something to talk about for a moment. If not try “How ARE you? Ugh, I feel like we haven’t talked in forever! Let’s get Kafein soon!”

A friend of yours:
I usually go with “WAZZUP BROSEF STALIN, HOW YOU BE HANGING MAYN?!”. You may choose to be less heinous if you wish, but if that’s your goal I don’t really understand why you’re reading this.

One of your best friends:
Pretend to ignore them. This is hilarious every time and never gets old.

That kid who lived in your hall last year but you never talked to:
Stare at the sidewalk. The sidewalk is so fucking interesting. Oh, is that a flyer for the SASA Show? Why yes it is. That must be the most fucking fascinating flyer you’ve ever seen. Absorb it into your brainmind.

A professor you once had:
Wink. Please. Just do it and then tell me how it went and whether or not they immediately made violent love to you.

Don't worry, it wasn't very good for her either.

A girl you hooked up with last year:
Are you past the awkward stage? If so, act like it’s a friend. If not, act like it’s a kid who lived in your hall last year but you never talked to.

A girl you knocked up last year:
PAY HER CHILD SUPPORT. STOP RUNNING AWAY. THIS IS YOUR CHILD TOO AND IT NEEDS A FATHER. MAN UP YOU LITTLE BITCH.

A kid in your discussion section:
If you sit near each other and talk often, wave and/or say hi. If you don’t really talk but think they could be your soulmate, slowly drift over toward them. As you approach you’ll have two options: either grab them forcefully and run off, physically taking them with you, or bump into them and say “Sorry! Oh, you’re in my Human Sex lecture aren’t you? I’m sure we’d make great Human Sex.” Both of these should work.

Now, it’s important to remember that all of this is dependent on timing. No matter who the other person is, if you start looking at them too early or too late the encounter will be awkward and Northwesternish. Try to make eye contact no more than six steps in advance and no fewer than four. This way even an awkward encounter will be over quickly, but if you decide you’re enjoying it you can stop and make it last longer. Wait. Guys. That sounded sexual. Please don’t have intercourse on Sheridan.