Should You Hook Up With Him? A Flowchart Journey

So you’re out at a party or a bar or hovering by the bar at a party, and suddenly a Calvin Harris song comes on and you feel some guy’s pelvis approach your ass and realize that you are being “danced” upon. Then comes there part where you must make a decision.

-Should I casually take a few steps forward like I didn’t notice the sudden proximity of his dick to my ass crack?

-Should I let him make out with me and get a free drink out of it? Maybe I’ll feel less guilty if I give him an OTPHJ. I can just say I was black out and don’t remember that.

-Should I take him home with me? I haven’t cleaned my room in a while, but maybe he’s too drunk to notice. My roommates might judge me though. Maybe we should go back to his place. Oh wait doesn’t he live with

The Official Sherman Ave Spring Break Drinking Game

Finish the keg if that’s your dad.

It is officially Wednesday of Spring Break, and that means that, if you are having a good old staycation, you have been sober for far too long. That’s why Sherman Ave is here to make this Spring Break more fun for you with our official Sherman Ave Spring Break Drinking Game! Because, as they say, if you can’t be on vacation for Spring Break, get drunk!

Take one shot anytime one of the following happens:
Every time you find yourself watching an episode of Law and Order SVU
Every time a friend snapchats you a picture from an exotic place
Every time someone asks you what you are doing this year/summer/with your life
Every time you suspect you are the oldest person in a given establishment
Every time your parents ask you if you are seeing someone at school
Every time you finish a pint of ice cream
Every time you get roped into doing chores for your Mom
Every time you fall asleep before 11pm
Every time you watch The Game Show Network by choice
Every time you tell a story about school and omit how drunk/high you were
Every four-hour period you go without wearing pants
Every time you convince your parents to let you drink with dinner
Every time your pale, winter-quarter glow scares someone from home
Every time you revisit The Sims and make them Woo-hoo
Every time you see a FreeCreditReport.com commercial

TWO SHOT BONUSES FOR THE FOLLOWING:
If you realize the closest pot dealer to your house is a junior in high school
If you manage to hook up with the only other person home for spring break at the same time
If you can successfully avoid putting any effort into anything over the week of Spring Break

-Sloppy Burnside

It’s Thanksgiving: The Nicole Westbrook Story

It was a dark August night in the Westbrook household. Nicole was left with a burden she could not explain. Standing on the front deck, she contemplated all the memories she had had with her family inside. The December Christmases, where she would be denied no gift that she truly wanted. The January New Years’s, when her parents would let her throw parties the whole grade would be invited to. The April Easters, when the living room would flow with candy as she walked down from her bedroom. Most importantly, the Fourth of July pool parties that were talked about months in advance.

The Official RNC 2012 Drinking Game

Convention season is upon us! With the Republican convention scheduled to start on Monday, August 27, Tuesday, August 28, and the Democrats to follow the next week,  it’s time to figure out how exactly we can get through these quadrennial public meltdowns of our political climate.

It appears that there are three options: 1) become exceedingly intoxicated, 2) properly hydrate, or 3) pray for Paul Ryan’s abs to make an appearance. Here at The Ave, we’ve got you covered on all fronts! Our Official RNC 2012 Drinking Game, if played with an alcoholic beverage, will probably get you ham faced. If played with water or a sports drink, you will find yourself in a healthy state of hydration. And if played properly, you should be hoping for a shirtless Paul Ryan at all turns.

So cuddle up in your Red Room of Pain, turn on the TV, grab a beverage and begin openly weeping:

“Ha! Ha! Gaze over yonder, there appears to be an impoverished fellow!”

1) Any time a Republican claims that they or someone “DID build” something, take a sip.

2) Any time a simple Google search shows that the government aided in the building of that thing, take another sip.

3) If Donald Trump “fires” an Obama impersonator, refuse to drink because Donald Trump is a racist and we wouldn’t want our brains to form an association between racism and alcohol.

4) Any time you imagine Chris Christie shirtless, chug your drink.

5) To actually get drunk, any time you imagine Paul Ryan shirtless, take a sip and excuse yourself to your room for two and a half minutes.

6) Any time you get five in a row on the Sherman Ave GOP Buzzword Bingo Board below, drink half of your drink. Make sure to make use of the Taxpayer Subsidized Free Spot specially earmarked for your belligerence.

Sherman Ave GOP Buzzword Bingo Board

7) If any speaker says “funemployed,” shotgun your drink.

8) If Todd Akin appears, throw your drink at the TV and get a new one.

9) If you make it through Tim Pawlenty’s speech without falling asleep, take a celebratory shot.

10) If the commentators point out that Artur Davis was a co-chair on Obama’s 2008 campaign, take a sip. If they fail to point this out an appropriate time, chug your drink.

11) If any speaker criticizes Obama for his handling of the bin Laden raid, drink half of your drink.

If the audience stages a mass Newsweek burning, chug.

12) For every fifth time the word “taxes” is mentioned, take a sip (see the Taxometer™ below).
The Sherman Ave Taxometer™: Check every time “tax” is said: __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __

13) If the convention is delayed by Hurricane Isaac, take a sip every time Pat Robertson could be mentioned but is not. If the entire convention is canceled, buy a case of High Life, drink it all, and save the tops to return for their donation to the vets.

UPDATE: The convention has been delayed until Tuesday, and I’ve only heard one Pat Robertson joke so far. Waterfall, ya’ll!

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To stay updated when we release our Official DNC 2012 Drinking Game, check out our Facebook Page.

The Official Sherman Ave Drinking Decathlon!

Laurel wreaths optional.

Teams
There will be two teams. Teams may consist of between 1 to 4 people.

Playlist
There shall be a playlist composed specifically for the purpose of this game. It must include no less than eight (8) songs by Adele, five (5) songs by Rihanna, three (3) Outkast singles, and at least seven (7) songs that topped the charts before the last U.S. military intervention in Latin America.

Game Pieces

• Copious amounts of alcohol (at least one (1) case of shitty beer, at least one (1) handle of shitty alcohol) and necessary mixers

• One (1) Sorry! game set

• One (1) Battleship game set

• One (1) puzzle of 100 piece puzzle

• Two (2) laptops with access to www.sporcle.com, www.actstudent.org/sampletest, www.facebook.com, and www.bubblespinner.com</li>

• One (1) deck of cards

• One (1) box of AP United States History flashcards

• One (1) beer pong table with sufficient cups/balls

• One (1) golf ball

• One (1) three (3) iron golf club

PROCEDURE

Opening Ceremonies
Each team will be randomly assigned a country well beforehand. The team must don the colors and/or flag of that nation, obnoxiously blast that nation’s national anthem, and list their nation’s grievances against the United States in chronological order and/or list the top ten STDs contracted by their nation’s citizens, in decreasing order of prevalence. The game shall begin with a ceremonial shot of said shitty alcohol, taken by each player. The shot must go unchased. Each team also has the opportunity to parade its team flag, if they are unreasonably heinous enough to design one.

THE GAMES

1. Bubble Spinner
A pitcher of mixed drink must be made and poured into a shot glass for each player partaking. Each team will nominate one player to serve as its Bubble Spinner delegate. The two opposing delegates will engage in a match of Bubble Spinner. Each time a player advances a level, each player of the opposing team must drink a shot of the aforementioned mixed drink. When a team loses, each player on said team must drink a shot of the mixed drink. The winning team will be awarded ten (10) points.

2. Sorry!
Each player will pour themselves a cup of mixed drink. Each team will control one (1) team on the Sorry! board. Players must take one drink whenever:

• The opposing team takes a game-piece home


Following the Greek tradition of mental and physical excellence (nudity optional)

• There is a “Sorry!” card played (everyone drinks)

• A “power-slide” is implemented (everyone drinks)

• A member of the team says the word “Sorry” (offending team drinks)

• A seven is played (the player who played the seven gets to dole out seven drinks)

After the game has been won, everyone on the losing team must drink. The winning team will be awarded ten (10) points.

3. AP US History
Each player will be paired up with a player on the opposite team. Each player will quiz the player on the other team with fifteen (15) cards. The player must drink each time he/she misses a question. After all is done, the teams will tally the aggregate number of questions missed, and the team with fewer questions missed wins. If there is a tie, the game must be played again, in its entirety, until the tie is settled. The losing team must all drink, and the winning team will be awarded five (5) points for each question by which they’ve beat the opponent.

4. Battleship
Each team will take a side in Battleship. For each miss, one person on the missing team must drink (this person may, and should, change throughout the game). For each hit, one person on the hit team must drink (same goes). At the end of the game, everyone on the losing team must drink. The winning team will be awarded five (5) points for each grid-space by which they’ve beat the opponent.

5. Sporcle
Each player will be paired up with a player on the opposite team. Each opposing pair will randomly select a Sporcle quiz. The losing team of each quiz will have to distribute drinks however they choose among their team; one drink for each point by which they’ve been defeated. After all player pairs have gone, the team with the most aggregate points will win. The losing team drinks, the winning team will be awarded fifteen (15) points for each Sporcle quiz won.

HALFTIME
Each player must shotgun a beer. If a player abstains from shotgunning, his/her team will be penalized ten (10) points.

Uncle Sam wants you!

6. Beer Pong
Two players from each team will nominated as delegates to play a game of beer pong. The team that wins said beer pong game will be awarded twenty (20) points, and will also be awarded an additional five (5) points for each cup remaining on their side at the end of the game. Celeb shots shall be limited to two per team, and only players who can quote a full minute of Mean Girls shall be eligible to take a Celeb Shot. If the game results in overtime, the winning team only will be awarded twenty (20) points.

7. Flip Cup
The two teams will play a best of five (5) tournament of flip cup. The winning team will be awarded twenty (20) points. If a team wins in four (4) games, they will be awarded twenty-five (25) points, and if a team wins in three (3) games, they will be awarded thirty (30) points. Throughout the competition, the two teams must debate each other regarding one of four potential topics: partial-birth abortion, affirmative action, the causes and consequences of the Arab Spring, or the sexual capacity of President Morty Schapiro.

8. Facebook
Each team will nominate a delegate to compete in Facebook. Players will be awarded points for the following:

• Poke five (5) friends from high school (five [5] points overall)

• Comment “8==D” on two (2) statuses (five [5] points overall)

• Challenge one (1) friend of Asian descent to a game of Words with Friends (five [5] points overall)

• Post two (2) statuses, each quoting a song from Katy Perry or Adele in all caps (five [5] points overall)

• Accept all friend requests that have been ignored thus far (one [1] point per friending)

• Post four (4) pictures of the teammate winking onto the walls of any of their Facebook friends who are 40 years old or older (four [4] points overall)

9. Kings
All players must partake in one (1) game of Kings. Whichever teams breaks the circle will be penalized fifteen (15) points. Whichever team opens the beer can must go up to the roof and try to hit a Northwestern landmark with a golf ball using a three (3) iron. The team whose delegate successfully strikes the landmark will be awarded fifteen (15) points, but a failure to hit the landmark will result in a five (5) point deduction.

Bonus points for disappointing your parents

10. ACT Sample Test
A subject (Reading, Science, Math, or English) will be randomly selected. Each player will have to do one set/passage. A strict time limit must be adhered to (15 minutes each for English, 12 minutes each for Math, 10 minutes each for Reading, 5 minutes each for Science). After all players have completed their portion of the test, the scores will be totaled up, and the winning team will be awarded five (5) points for each question by which they’ve beat the opponent. A team that scores higher than the projected NU average score will be awarded two (2) points for each question they answer above the projected results, but a team that scores lower than the projected NU average score will be deducted one (1) point for each question they answer below the projected results.

CLOSING CEREMONIES
At this point, the score must be totaled. The losing team will have a chance to come back and gain one hundred (100) points, if they can complete the 100-piece puzzle in the amount of time it takes the winning team to walk to BK, eat something (documentation required), and return. If the losing team completes the puzzle by the time the winning team returns, the losing team will be awarded one hundred (100) points.

If, somehow, the teams have equal points at the end of all ten events, each player must take one shot after toasting “All men are created equal.” All players will then proceed to skinny dip in Lake Michigan.

–Ross Packingham (with Evander Jones)

New Locations for The Keg of Evanston

Can you fit stripper poles into Cozy Noodles?

Now that the initial shock of TKOE’s liquor license being revoked has mostly passed, the owners are probably thinking about what they should do with their lives. While fifty-cent wing Wednesdays does sound appealing, I don’t think that The Keg is going to be surviving on their lunch menu. Accordingly to the rulebook, The Keg isn’t allowed to reapply for a liquor license.

Except that all they need to do is just move to a new location and get a shiny new license! Problem solved. You just got pre-lawed. But where should the Keg’s new location be?? I have saved them the trouble of a popcorn fueled brainstorm session and narrowed it down to the four best locations to continue their crusade against Overlord Tisdahl.

Sheil Catholic Center
I’ve only been to this mysterious place once when I tagged along with the notoriously upstanding Sir Edward Twattingworth III as he gave blood. This establishment has the uneasiness of a midwestern retirement home and the excitement of Sigma Nu on a Saturday night. The clear solution to this problem is obviously big cups, popcorn, Dan Persa, and general debauchery.

Tisdahl’s Office
So Elizabeth Tisdahl, the mayor of what was formerly known as “heavanston” pre-keg shutdown, is a raging ho-bag. When Morty wanted to give every student a puppy, she stole all of his purple attire and threatened to bleach it until he cancelled all puppy-related plans. She is every iPhone bandit. She has a poster of Richard Nixon in her office. She was behind Community getting cancelled. TKOE might as well occupy Betsy’s lifeless office and add a little pizazz to her awful, popcorn-less existence.

Dance Marathon
There’s no better combination than promiscuity and charity.

That's not honey mustard on the floor...

Burger King
Count Von Tisdahl might as well have also revoked BK’s food license since without the Keg, Burger King is just that place next to Beck’s that always smells like gluttony and regret. I wonder if the owners of the most profitable Burger King in the US of A know what has just happened to their lovely establishment. Are people even going to go to BK anymore without The Keg? What will be the fate of the sassy security guard? The only way to answer these questions is obviously for The Keg to just move into BK and become a haven for overall heinousness. Can I get a shot and a big cup with those chicken fries?