College Student Discovers Deodorant Not Substitute for Shower

EVANSTON, Il. — With temperatures finally rising and spring in Evanston approaching normalcy, sources report that McCormick Sophomore Eric Lehman has realized that putting on deodorant does not substitute for taking a shower.

The trend of not showering began when Lehman woke up at 11:50 AM for his 12:00 PM discussion section on Thursday. He reportedly spent the night dancing by himself at The Deuce on Wednesday, sweating profusely. Afraid of missing class, Lehman less-than-generously applied Speed Stick to his armpits and left his dorm. An intense ultimate frisbee practice in the hot sun followed his discussion section, which, Lehman noted while the odor under his shirt began to ferment like a bag of expired Franzia under a solar lamp, “takes away from time to shower.”

Lehman proceeded to

20 Reasons why we’re so fucking glad that sorority recruitment is done

1. Now I have 40 more Facebook friends. Can some1 say #popular?

2. Sleep

3. When I speak to people, there can be a natural pause in the conversation and I don’t have to worry that the other person will think I’m weird or awkward

4. Today my alarm went off and I was like oh I should get up and shower and then I was like nah and slept for another 25 minutes

Sherman Ave’s 14-Step Guide to Green Cup

Growing your own weed is a great way to reduce greenhouse emissions from its transportation!

The Green Cup has begun. Yet another year’s Battle of Champions has kicked off. Who will make SEED the proudest? Who will prove themselves true warriors of conservation? Who is willing to go the longest without flushing their toilet?

Here are Sherman Ave’s 14 tips to show off your raw, feral dominance over all the others on campus.

How to Avoid the In-Class Creeper

Want to come back to my place and finish our discussion on Freudian Theory?

Recently, I was at a party with my gals dancing the night away, celebrating being done with yet another quarter of my godforsaken Spanish class, when a sweaty guy from my class came up to me and started a conversation. It went as so:

Boy: Ammonia$ta?! [puts an arm around my shoulder and drunkenly leans on me] Totally didn’t recognize you! You’re like, actually attractive!

A$: Uh…thanks?

Boy: Yeah like…how come you don’t come to class looking like this? Totally would have hit on you.

A$: Oh uh… [trying to get out from under his arm without making him fall over] I’m just lazy I guess.”

Boy: [Laughs because he thinks I was joking and walks away]

A College Reward System to Get You Through Senior Year

I pooped in the big-kid toilet therefore I deserve some whisky.

It’s senior year, and despite the fact that I have yet to figure out what the hell I’m going to do after they kick me out of this university, the number of fucks I give about my classes every aspect of my life is approaching zero faster than you can say senioritis. So I’ve come up with a system in which I reward myself for doing the little everyday things. It’s sort of like getting a gold star for putting away your toys after playtime in kindergarten, but for grown-ups lazy-ass college students.

If you’re anything like my mom, you’re saying, “but going to class and doing your homework already has a reward, it’s called a diploma.” Besides the fact that you’re not being funny, working 40 hours a week at a less-shitty job than if I didn’t go to college is not going to keep me off Facebook during class. I need something immediate. Like candy. Or vodka. I’m not talking about one candy bar after a long day of classes and homework. That shit may have worked freshman through junior year, but it sure as hell isn’t going to cut it now that I’ve realized getting straight A’s will have virtually the same effect on my GPA as straight C’s (thank you, engineering, for making me take a full course load every fucking year). No, with this knowledge always at the back of my mind, I’ve had to start rewarding myself for even the simplest of tasks. So, just like putting toys away = 1 gold star:

10 controversial Chicago Teachers Union demands

After running out of sign ideas by day three, most teachers are just going with ‘#GetFuckedRahm’

As the Chicago Teachers Union strike heads into its fourth day, many are wonderingwhat contractual disputes have shut down a public school system that strives to educate nearly 350,000 students. Although the union has won support for representing one of the most dedicated and committed labor forces in the world, several of the Chicago Teachers Union’s contract demands have stirred controversy in the national debate brewing around public education and public-sector unions. Here are the top 10:

10. New evaluation system
By all accounts, the Chicago Public School System’s current evaluation system is more outdated than the GOP platform. The Chicago Teachers Union has called for a modernized system that takes into account more relevant factors to gauge teacher performance, like yearbook signings, average fights broken up, and creepy crushes developed by students.

9. Thurmond-esque job security
In retrospect, naming this demand after 48-year United States Senator and notorious d-bag wasn’t a great PR move. Neither was touting Senator Thurmond as a symbol of the benefits of tenure, or quoting Thurmond by declaring, “All the laws in Chicago and all the bayonets of the Army cannot force merit pay into our schools.” Other proposed alterations to the tenure system include Survivor-like immunity challenges and something ominously referred to as the “philosopher’s stone.”

8. End of daily gym classes
To be fair, Union President Karen Lewis is one of the larger proponents of this contractual demand.

7. Mandatory anti-bullying initiative for Mayor Rahm Emanuel
The social learning initiative seeks to take a multi-pronged interdisciplinary approach to help Mayor Emanuel create a more positive learning and work environment. Through work with peers and one-on-one sessions with social workers, the program will help Rahm realize how his aggressive behavior and forceful coercion of others has become habitual and reliant on an imbalance of power. Topics will include “F**k You: Verbal harassment in the workplace,” “Mean Girls: Or how to work with NOW,” and “The Chief of Police and You: An exploration of social and physical power in modern Chicago.”

6. Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher” to play throughout passing periods
This component of the CTU’s contract demands has received widespread support, with the notable exception of 6-8 grade teachers, who object that it’s just a little “too real” sometimes.

What do we want? To piss off Rahm!

5. Can’t we just show them the movie version of The Great Gatsby instead?
“I mean, seriously,” said CTU Vice President Jesse Sharkey, “We’ve got enough on our hands as it is, struggling to educate students while trying to keep the fact that our best solution to end school violence is to make all students wear clear backpacks for Christsakes.” Added Sharkey, “It’s not like there’s anything in the book that the Redford/Farrow 1974 classic misses. And just wait until Baz Luhrmann works his magic on it!”

4. End to the city’s slashing of funding for arts, music, theater, sports, clubs, mathematics, textbooks, pens, and even those tiny fucking desks that are built into the goddamn chair and creak like holy hell every time they’re moved a goddamn inch
The Chicago Teachers Union has made the bold claim that the city’s lack of investment in extracurricular activities, school supplies, or really anything at all within the CPS has hampered teachers’ ability to effectively educate students.

3. For that one stinky kid to just take a shower
“Oh for the love of God,” exclaimed President Lewis, “Does he, like, even know how to shower? Do his parents not smell him in the morning and refuse to drive him to school until he learns how to use soap? Dear lord, just last week I had to work with the stinky kid on a project and I nearly blacked out, the smell was so bad. It smells like a combination of the Chicago River, baloney that’s been sitting out for three weeks, Mike Ditka’s farts, and Satan. Teachers have a hard enough time as it is. Having to breathe through your nose for an entire class period just makes this job that much more difficult.”

2. A first round pick, two third round picks, a point guard, cash considerations, and a player to be named later
Although the teachers union admits that it is in the midst of a rebuilding phase, the teachers are hoping to woo a marquee low-post player like Dwight Howard or Chris Bosh to make a deep run in the race to the top.

1. Some well-deserved and long-overdue recognition for an under-appreciated and excruciatingly difficult job
Oh wait, that’s the NFL Referee Union’s main contractual demand. My bad.

For in-depth analysis of Chicago labor relations and how LOTR compares to WWII, like our facebook page and follow us on twitter and then find a loved one to hold and tell them you love them.

Eight Statements You Should Never Make

Want to know how to make yourself look slightly ignorant? Here are several ideas you may insert into one of many orifices you find difficult to clean in the shower.

“I really hate the taste of aspartame.”
No, you hate the thought of aspartame. Your body is wired to like sweet things, but your mind knows that you are consuming Franken-sugar. In the immortal words of Very Mary-Kate: “You know how you can’t eat meat anymore once you know where meat comes from?” That’s you, Ms. “I Won’t Eat It If It’s Not Organic, Leafy, And Hasn’t Touched An Animal With A 39½ Foot Pole.” Congrats on your mental victory; I’m slightly jealous and mostly derisive.

Special mention to anyone who says they hate chocolate without a valid excuse. You’re either lying or there’s something wrong with you.

Dawg, Mozart's "Requiem" is my jam

“If you play Mozart to babies they’ll be smarter.”
If you had done your goddamn research, you’d realize that this is actually an extreme extrapolation by the media off of a 1993 cognition study where researchers measured the effects of sound on spatio-temporal reasoning. They played music (which HAPPENED to be Mozart) to Group 1 for ten minutes, a “relaxation tape” to Group 2 for ten minutes, and complete silence to Group 3 for ten minutes, then immediately gave them some mind puzzles. The ones who’d been listening to music did better.

The finding had nothing to do with Mozart; scientists have reproduced this study with other music. The finding was because Groups 1 and 2 weren’t bored as hell listening to rainforest noises or their own borborygmi for a period of time in which they could’ve Sporcled every 90’s song ever written at least three times. It was a temporary effect on a specific type of reasoning and it wasn’t caused by Mozart. But listening to music before you start your next 2,000,000-piece puzzle may help you for ten minutes afterwards.* Now put down the Baby Mozart tapes, they’re not going to give your kid a Flowers-For-Algernon IQ boost. C’mon, we all know that most of us Bienen kids can’t count past four. But you should still check out Schubert.

“I’m so fat.”
Unlike the rest of this list, this one could be true. But regardless of the statement’s verity, rarely does the speaker believe it. No further explanation, y’all know what I mean. I have a secret fantasy of giving a silent staredown to every kumquat of every size that ever regales me with this phrase. I will watch their faces as they realize I refuse to bite on their compliment-fishing line. Unfortunately, having a guilt complex blows.

“Girls don’t fart.”
Welcome to 2012, where vaginas don’t preclude one from anal salutations. Ellie K can flatulate with the best of you bean-gobbling fools.

“I’m fuckin’ awesome.”
If I didn’t notice, you shouldn’t have to tell me.

She's not wearing anything under that... thing

“Fashion is about sex.”- Vivienne Westwood.
Thank you, Sigmund Freud.

First off, raise your hand if you possess a penis and give a flying fuck about fashion. It’s normal to ask yourself in the morning if you look like you might smell. But fashion extremists feel a level of consternation at the question of whether it’s still “in” to leave open the bottom button of your blazer. Now, if your hand is in the air, you’re either in the minority or in the process of dancing.

And now ladies (and gay men), when have you ever gotten dressed in the morning with the burning desire that an attractive manly man will seize you in a frenzied passion after noticing that you’ve matched your hat to your belt buckle? Yeah, me neither. Most men don’t give a damn if you’re wearing Lilly Pulitzer or pajama bottoms or a pillowcase with sequins if you’re their type and DTF. If fashion and sex are related, they are third cousins twice removed. Case closed.

“The Sodomites in the Bible were punished because they were gay.”
Not exactly. Summary of the story:

According to the Bible, Sodom and Gomorrah were two cities known for being full of motherfuckers. Not the kind you find in New York — we’re talking rape in the name of shits n’ giggles. In Sodom, it was illegal to help strangers, which pretty much goes against everything that real, love-thy-neighbor Christians believe. So God sent some angels to walk around town, and a man named Lot, being the generous guy he was, offered them his home so they didn’t have to sleep outside in the dangerous city. The Sour Motherfuckers in the city got wind that there were strangers in town, surrounded Lot’s house, and told Lot to send them out so they could rape them.** That is agreed upon in two separate passages of the Bible. The Sodomites’ sin, according to Everything About Sodom In The Bible, wasn’t homosexuality, it was a lack of goodwill towards strangers. Does anyone see the irony in the citation of these passages by those hoping to exclude gays from everything under the sun?

“Sherman Avenue isn’t heinous.”
I will see to it that you die painfully, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction.

Because, see, I can do that.

“The heinous behind us and the heinous before us are tiny matters compared to the heinous within us” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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*Warning: You should not rely on a Mozart-induced spatio-temporal IQ burst to save you from a two million piece puzzle.
**There’s a bit where Lot’s like, “You could rape my virgin daughter or my concubine instead of these dudes I just met, because apparently it’s okay not to respect women, my family, or women in my family.” Conflicting accounts in Judges and Genesis then say that either the Sodomites raped the hell out of his poor concubine, or the angels in the house blinded the offending Sodomites before anyone got raped and warned Lot to skip town.