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Tag Archives: Shurnout

Knicks sign John Shurna, mistake any guard from elite academic institution for Jeremy Lin

11 Sep

John Shurna, Northwestern’s all-time leading scorer and all-time leading “almost going to the tournamenter,” has been signed by the New York Knicks. Of the National Basketball Association. The same league that has the Miami Heat, Oklahoma City Thunder, Chicago Bulls, Los Angeles Lakers of Anaheim, and a host of other professional or semi-pro teams.

No seriously, this is a thing that has happened.

I’M ONLY GETTING STARTED, I WON’T SHURNOUT.

I wasn’t there because the Knicks refuse to give me press credentials for their top-level meetings or anything at all, but I assume the conversation that led to Shurna’s signing went like this:

Knicks GM Glen Grunwald: “So we lost Lin? Fuck.”

Knicks head coach Mike Woodson: “Yeah, he was the only reason anyone in their right mind would not despise this thoroughly detestable organization.”

Grunwald: “Well, we’ll have to replace him. Any thoughts?”

Woodson: “I mean, Lin was a phenom out of Harvard and I think that all guards from elite academic institutions are interchangeable. Let’s see who Princeton’s got.”

Grunwald: “No, they’ve been to the NCAA Tournament. I want someone from a school with a tourney-less streak like Harvard’s.”

Woodson: “Northwestern it is. Who’s that guy, Hernia?”

Grunwald: “We shall sign him at once, so long as he has delightfully high arcing shots and appears to be a 12-year-old boy.”

Again, no confirmation from the Knickerbockers that this is what happened, or that they even get my daily emails >:-(, but this is totally what happened.

The great thing here is that the Knicks have no idea what they’ve just lucked into. Not only is Shurn-daddy a natural shooter and skilled defender with a free throw percentage above 90%, but they have just signed a veritable marketing machine.

Look at this face. LOOK AT IT. Now stop looking at it before you get sad. This is the face that will launch a thousand endorsements. Move over Jeter, J-Shurn is the new face of Gillette: The Best First Razor a Pre-Pubescent Boy Can Get.  And lets not act like Johnny Boy wouldn’t make the perfect spokesman for all kinds of mocktails and non-alcoholic beers. Not to mention, there has GOT to be a way to get the Babyfaced Assassin involved in the next Bourne movie if they even make one because honestly what is that series without Matt Damon? But yeah. Anyway… Just get him on a couple of dates with Kendall Jenner and BOOM, Madison Ave will love him even more than Sherman Ave.

LOL, you forgot the part where I have God on my side.

And the fans will love him even more than the advertisers. Linsanity? Botch plz. Gimme Shurnacity any day of the week, except for Sundays which are for hot steamy hookups between Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall. Or Saturdays, which are designated for shitting gracefully upon whomever the Wildkittiez of NU happen to be playing. Probably not weekdays either for the next few weeks cause the MLB Postseason is coming up and there is NOTHING like October baseball. But at some point in the future, I’ll want Shurnacity. Maybe.

So, to the New York Knicks: No, not every lanky guard from a top school is Jeremy Lin. But that might just be a good thing. While Jeremy Lin rose to the pinnacle of the sport in a matter of hours, Shurna has proven to be a great leader when you’re losing. Ya know, to the Miami Heat, Oklahoma City Thunder, Chicago Bulls, Los Angeles Lakers of Anaheim, and a host of other professional or semi-pro teams in the National Basketball Association.

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Shurned Out: Riding the Bubble at Northwestern

23 Feb

Apparently he didn’t appreciate the five-foot pictures of his face in the crowd.

Last Saturday, John Shurna broke Northwestern’s career scoring record, surpassing Billy McKinny‘s 1,900 career points with a three-pointer against Minnesota. Last weekend I set a career personal high score of 18,310 points in BrickBreaker, but nobody made much of a fuss about it.* Or even a t-shirt.

As Northwestern basketball fans are starting to realize, life on the bubble of the NCAA tournament is a lot like what I’m assuming drunk sex with your pledge wife would be like: you hold your breath and hope that everything magically falls into place to bring about a wondrous sensation you’ve never felt before, but you’re really just waiting for something to go horribly awry and inevitably ruin everything you hold dear. There will probably be a lot of crying in the end no matter what.

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