Things You Forgot to Do before Coming Home for Winter Break

1.     Block your relatives on social media: The last four posts on your wall are questions about when you get home and feature a lot of xoxo’s. During Christmas dinner you’ll have to answer questions about why you were laying in a street covered in body glitter and were you actually sleeping on that bar or just posing?

2.     Clean up your mouth:  No longer are you only surrounded by people between the ages of 18-23.  Your parents will be shocked when you casually tell your dog you’re going to cunt punt him if he doesn’t stop licking you, and your small cousins will stand wide-eyed as you discuss politics with your uncle referring to foreign leaders as “fucking little pricks” and the republican political agenda as a “steaming pile of honkey shit”.

This is not pajamas. You cannot wear this. (via thebeveragestore.com)

3.     Bring home pajamas: When traveling back home, it can be hard to find space in your suitcase between your dirty laundry and the left over Skol handle you’re hoping will get you through new years.  Pajamas are usually the first thing you forego, but this is a big mistake.  Upon returning home you will find out your mom has sent your old high school sports sweat pants to Goodwill.  Sleeping naked was an option until you found out all six of your cousins under the age of 12 will be sleeping in your room this holiday season. Looks like jeans it is!

4.     Find a significant other:  We all have those family members who immediately after commenting on how old you look[1] decide that the next step is to bring to the surface your loneliness by asking if your dating.  NO AUNT JEAN I’M SINGLE. OH YOU FOUND YOUR HUSBAND IN COLLEGE? DROP DEAD.  Of course, there is also the question of whether or not you can refer to that kid you make out with every so often who sometimes text you for stats help as your boyfriend/girlfriend to a family member.  I’d say just count it.

5.     Get good grades: You return home excited for a few weeks of Netflix and naps.  What you forgot though was that the first question out of your parents mouth will be about the state of your GPA, and you spent the past quarter being carried home from parties and watching YouTube videos of people saying dumb shit after waking up from surgery.  The only option at this point is to bring attention to how most of your cousins go to state schools, which automatically makes you superior in all ways.  If that doesn’t work just lie.  The best way to spread Christmas cheer is by lying mercilessly out of fear.  No one has to know until you graduate, without honors.

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[1] FYI if they are still saying this after you have finished growing it means you look tired as fuck and should probably stop staying up all night taking shots of tequila and playing Mario Party.

5 Profile Poses That Are Worse Than The Music of Creed

I guess it could be worse.

Here at the Ave, we are devoted to promoting and disseminating positive images throughout the internet. Which is why it’s time you salty motherfuckers finally learned a thing or two about profile pictures. The following profile poses are to Facebook as the music of Creed is to all that is holy.

Duckface Mirror pics
If you are standing in your bathroom taking your own picture YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE YOURSELF LOOKING LIKE WHAT HAPPENED WHEN COURTNEY LOVE FUCKED A PLATYPUS. Same goes for this pose’s older sister, “Selfie From A Downward Angle,” otherwise known as the “Please Note That Contrary To Popular Opinion I Have Some Cleavage” shot.

Honestly, I don’t get it: society has put more effort into attempting to stigmatize the duckface and all its permutations than attempting to render urinal conversations between strangers dishonorable. And somehow it’s still a pervasive problem.

Head Tilt Hair Toss
Hey Head, can you please embody the sentiment of “I want so badly to be horizontal with you if you catch my drift that I might just fall over now srrrssssly though I’m rully off-balance”? Now Hair, subjugate the entire photo with your dyed n’ fried luster.  Okay, everybody look natural!

Kissing the Significant Other
You had to ask a third party take that photo for you. You literally subjected another human being to the sight of your slightly-less-than-moderately-attractive bodies pressed against one another in an outward simulation of affection. You posted that picture with the knowledge that most of your Facebook friends will become reunited with their long-lost lunches upon sight of this desperate attempt to document that you are indeed capable and worthy of love.

The only way that this is even slightly acceptable is if that photo is the documentation of the foursome about to take place between you, your lover, the photographer, and that seagull in the frame that’s clearly scoping you out. Otherwise, please go buttchug arsenic.

Skinny Arm
                  A) Used Seriously

OH MY GOD UR HAIR LOOKS ZOOO PRETTY

Use of the skinny arm is strongly correlated with use of Head Tilt Hair Toss. Use of the Head Tilt Hair Toss is strongly correlated with Everyone Thinks You’re A Dumbfuck Ass-souffle With A Lobotomy.

Just be careful, kids.

   B) Used Ironically

You’re encouraging them. Stop encouraging them.

Arm Around Badly Cropped Friend
You douchebag. That’s probably the only guy that had the cajones to be around you after The Cucumber Incident in high school sex ed, and you clearly don’t deserve him. Instead of appreciating his presence in your life, you decided that you look so damn good in that picture that you didn’t need him. Or maybe he was the good-looking one, and you realized that you pale in comparison. Whatever the reason, your subpar skills with the “crop” button make you look like a frattier and significantly less attractive Bethany Hamilton. Reevaluate your life, you stupid fuck.

Look, I get it. I’m a Sherman Ave writer; we love pretending we’re attractive too. But in all seriousness, stop spending all your funtime trying to look good on Facebook. Because you probably don’t.