The Inferno: The Nine Circles of Valentine’s Day

Until recently, I had never been empathetic to the disease known as celebrating Valentine’s Day alone (symptoms of which include depression, overeating, and whining about February 14^th on any and all forms of social media). When you’ve ridden solo for nearly two decades’ worth of Valentine’s festivities, Singles Awareness Day eventually becomes a peaceful, practically meditative experience; instead of cry-sterbating and eating a tub of ice cream at my own personal pity party each year, I enjoyed a joyful day of solitude filled with a slew of rewarding personal activities (Okay, they’re the exact same activities as a pity party, minus the crying). While images of “love” and “happy couples” plagued me at work or school, I could safely journey home to escape any reminders of how depressingly sucky counter-culture it is to be single.

Never understood why Dante was such a big Static Shock fan (via toonbarn.com)

Well, that was until this year, for when I moved in with my roommate, I also unwittingly moved in with her boyfriend and all their couple-y bliss.

Alison Gold to Release “Japanese Food” Single in Response to Rebecca Black’s “Saturday”

BOCA, Fl. – It was announced today by PatoMuzic that Alison Gold will be releasing a new song, titled “Japanese Food,” after the rampant success of Rebecca Black’s new song “Saturday.”

via bonappetite.com

“The decision was an obvious one,” Gold said in an exclusive interview with Sherman Ave[1].  “After we saw that a one-hit wonder like [Black] could turn around and produce an even better song, I went right back to the studio to do what I do best: bubblegum pop featuring inaccurate yet equally crude racial stereotypes.”

15 Reasons Why You Don’t Need No Man

1. You are a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man to validate her self-worth.
   

   All hail the queen.

2. Your best friends will never think anyone is good enough for you (and they’re probably right).
   

   Your girls: Always there when you need ’em.

3. This is a thing.

Flo Rida and Pitbull’s “Can’t Believe It,” As Narrated by Obi-Wan Kenobi

It was bound to happen. After years of systematically working their way into every song that could possibly be on the radio and simultaneously amassing both millions of haters and many more millions of dollars, rappers/human equivalents of lighting a cigar with a $100-dollar bill Flo Rida and Pitbull have finally teamed up with “Can’t Believe It,” a modern ripoff, err, ode, to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s iconic “Baby Got Back.”

Scantily-Endowed Student Has Difficulty Dancing to “Bubble Butt”

Usher’s her jam.

PALM BEACH–22-year-old Abby Palumbo is experiencing considerable difficulty dancing to Major Lazer’s recent single “Bubble Butt,” according to witness reports trickling in at 8:00 PM tonight. The beautiful and somewhat gangly Communications major says her awkwardness in executing the song’s demands is directly related to her body type’s incompatibility with the subject matter.

“I can do the ‘turn around’ part,” sighed Palumbo. But everything else…it’s like “My Humps” all over again.  I’ll be at the bar waiting for “Shorty Got Low,” I guess.”