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Tag Archives: Sir Twattingworth III

The 3 Facebook Atrocities That Old People Routinely Commit

13 Feb

I’ll be the first one to admit that I love Facebook.  I love Facebook in a manner that many wouldn’t describe as “platonic.”  I love intently scrolling down my newsfeed and discovering every minute detail of all the incredibly heinous people I know.  I love clicking through photo albums and practically becoming vicariously intoxicated through them.  I especially love defriending annoying people from my high school after they post the 30th consecutive status posting lyrics from a Rascal Flatts song.  However, a few years ago, my utopian virtual community was greatly endangered when my parents invited themselves into it.  Mom and Dad, I love you both very much, but here’s what it boils down to:  If you were alive when Nikita Khrushchev took office, you’re too old to understand the basic inner workings of social networks.  Thus, without further ado, I present:  The 3 Facebook Atrocities That Old People Routinely Commit.

"Wow, she's taking four at once!"

3. The Weird Profile Picture

I don’t know what it is about being born during the Eisenhower administration that makes the concept of a profile picture so difficult for older people to grasp, but it’s seriously becoming an issue. Part of the problem is that our nation’s soon-to-be social security recipients have managed to bastardize the sanctity of the profile picture in such a wide variety of ways.  The first infraction is the “Family Member” pic, in which a geriatric friend’s profile picture is a picture of his or her son, daughter, spouse, or something of the sort.  While this gesture is meant endearingly about 90% of the time (the other 10% is just old guys trying to make themselves seem younger so they can pick up cheap elderly floozies), it still adds confusion to the chaotic fuckshow that Facebook already is.  Another infraction of Prof-Pic etiquette is the “Doppelgänger” pic – an approach that gets old after about a week and only works if it’s a good doppelgänger.  (Side note:  I’m not putting an umlaut over the “a” in doppelgänger.  My computer is doing it for me.  I’m not that pretentious.  I also have a very serious personal aversion to umlauts.)  The doppelgänger approach is very proudly employed by my parents, or as strangers might know them, Lou Reed and Doris Day.  The third infraction is the “What the fuck” profile picture, in which the picture is something that literally could not make less sense.  Examples of this infraction include the planet Saturn, a garden hose, and a dead fish.

BUT YOU CAN'T. YOU CAN'T AT ALL.

2.  The Oblivious Comment

The only thing worse than old people being socially oblivious on their own Facebook pages is when their unawareness inevitably encroaches onto your Facebook page.  Old people have a tendency to make the most awkward and unfitting comments on statuses, wall posts, and pictures.  For example, I recently posted a link to Manua Hiki-Hiki’s Small Penis Rule article on my Facebook page, seeing as the central tenet of the Sherman Ave code is that shameless self-promotion is a must.  My step-father wasted no time in commenting: “Somehow, without even reading the byline, Pete, I knew this was you.”  Yep.  A small penis joke made at my expense.  By my step-father.  If that isn’t heinous, I’ve truly lost my grip on reality.  (On the bright side, a few years ago when he thought it would be appropriate to imply that one of my statuses was about masturbation, he at least had the good sense to message me his atrociously unfunny joke instead of posting it for the world to see.)  What’s even funnier is when older folks comment on a picture and fail to pick up on the fact that everyone in the picture is unreasonably intoxicated.  Comments like “Sitting down in the middle of Sheridan is unsafe!” or “Why are those cups arranged in a triangle?” never fail to bring unprecedented levels of discomfort to Facebook albums.

1.  Sincerity

A prime example of the atrocities that Facebook begets.

I honestly don’t understand what isn’t clear about this fact: Facebook is not about sincerity.  Facebook is not about congratulating people on achievements, expressing genuine interest in their lives, or sharing legitimate ideas.  It’s called Facebook, not Church Fucking Picnic.  Facebook is a never-ending competition to be the most obnoxious person you can be.  Facebook is about recording videos of someone sitting next to you in lecture and posting it to their wall.  Facebook is about finding a picture of a young Sir Twattingworth III and posting it on the walls of 35 friends.  Facebook is about posting the link to a Sporcle quiz on a friend’s wall to implicitly indicate that you aced the quiz and will subsequently power-trip about it.  Facebook is about finding your way into the Notre Dame Class of 2015 Facebook group and ruining it.  And as long as gerontology study subjects fail to realize the unthinkable heinousness of Facebook, they will be forever tainting it (lol) with their old person sincerity and awkwardness.

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The 5 Historical Figures You’d Least Like To See at a Frat Party

2 Nov

Hmmm... why don't you make that THREE kegs of Busch Light

5. Henry Kissinger
I love getting into heated political discussions whilst heavily inebriated as much as the next guy, but there comes a point when you have to draw the line. Yes, Henry Kissinger was one of the greatest political thinkers of the 20th century, but that by no means gives him a place at a frat party. First of all, the guy is older than balls. We must consider the rule of three: If someone has lived to see three presidents die in office, they are too old to set foot in a frat house. Additionally, we must consider the other rule of three: If someone has spent three or more years of their life working under the Nixon administration, they are too heinous to set foot in a frat house.

4. William Howard Taft
Oh, for fuck’s sake! These things are already crowded enough. If we throw a 400-pound man into the mix, we’re completely forfeiting our ability to move. If he was excessively overweight but also cool, like Buddha, then it would be worth sacrificing our mobility, but in reality, he’s just a complete twat. And worse yet, knowing that the presidency didn’t satisfy Taft, and he became a member of the Supreme Court after his presidency, it’s probable that he would not be satisfied by frat parties, and would find it necessary to go The Keg afterwards – another establishment that is already too crowded and doesn’t need yet another morbidly obese man further clogging up the place.

I need a drink, and I need it NOW!

3. Susan B. Anthony
There are some things that feminists simply should not see. The 21st century is one of them. If Susan B. Anthony were to tragically find herself on the 3rd floor of SAE, there are a few possible outcomes. The most likely result is that she would spend about five minutes observing the social phenomenon before her, and then spend the remainder of the party obnoxiously screaming about the oppression of women. However, there’s always the off-chance that she would follow the mold, get unnecessarily trashed, and wake up the next morning on the roof of Swift next to some rando from Pike. Regardless, rather than experimenting with the frat scene, she would be better off where she is now: on the front of gold dollars that stopped being minted in 2001.

2. Charles Dickens
If Dickens couldn’t stand the living conditions of post-industrial England, there’s no way he could stand the living conditions of the DU basement. People go to frat parties to be social, not to watch some elderly British assbag sitting in a corner writing in a romanticized manner about the hardships of being dateraped. However, if Dickens were to experience a frat party, it would very likely have had a tremendous effect on his novels. Oliver Twist would have been ejected from his workhouse not for requesting more food, but for pregaming an 18-hour work shift. Other novels, such as Nicholas Nicklebro and A Tale of Two Titties, would even further deviate from Dickens’ traditional literary style.

Columbus wearing the traditional "party foul" tricorn hat

1. Christopher Columbus
For those of us who have been to frat parties at Northwestern, we know that there are already enough people on power-trips – doormen, bartenders, Sir Twattingworth III, and the like. The last thing we need is some dickbasket walking in, claiming the dilapidated ZBT house in the name of King Ferdinand of Spain, and transmitting diseases to sorority girls (syphilis, PiPhilis, GammaPhilis, etc.). Furthermore, his methods of colonization would hardly work at a frat party; the amount of germs being exchanged is already maximized, and it’s far too hot for anyone to accept a blanket. That being said, there’s something very charming about the notion of three wooden ships landing on North Beach.