How to Have a Heinous Holiday Party

Want to have a Christmas experience like we do at the Ave?

Here are just a few things you’ll need to make sure you have a Merry Heinmas:

1. Ugly sweaters, Santa hats, and reindeer antlers

Just the basics.

2. Alcohol

Lots and lots of alcohol. You wouldn’t want to hang out with your closest friends and family sober, now would you?

3. A good present

Suggestions: leather handcuffs, a framed picture of kittens, 300 pages of your Japanese homework, porn, three copies of a book that literally nobody likes, coal.

**SPOILERS** All of these presents contain porn.

Sherman Ave Writer Has Serious Mental Breakdown

Early drafts of Giblets’ article showed he was planning to use this image, but in reference to what remains unclear.

ANN ARBOR — A writer for the incredibly popular and culturally significant humor website Sherman-Ave.com is currently in recovery from a nervous breakdown, after he realized there was no way he would be able to fulfill the deadline for his monthly article.

Rudolph E. Spigelberg, better known by his “sheudonym” Prince Giblets, is currently in “stable condition physically, but not mentally,” as described by his family.

Besides closing The Keg, what else has Mayor Tisdahl achieved?

At this afternoon’s Political Union in the Northwestern University Norris Center, Evanston mayor Elizabeth “Lizzly the Grizzly” Tisdahl claimed that “closing down The Keg was one of the best things [she had] ever done.”  Needless to say, this inflammatory statement is an affront to any Northwestern student who has enjoyed an otherwise uneventful Monday night at The Keg – let alone the ETHS students who don’t even have other viable outlets to hone their raging skills.  This is the equivalent to Jimmy Carter taking proud ownership of the Iranian Hostage Crisis, or Creed taking proud ownership of their music.  It also begs the question: If this is only one of the best things E-Tizzy has accomplished, then what would she consider to be some of the others?