Study: Many NU Students Back to Being Horrible People They Were before DM

(via Northwestern)

EVANSTON, Il – A little over two weeks ago, Northwestern University’s Dance Marathon concluded its thirtieth and final hour, leaving thousands of participating students elated, overcome with emotion, and instilled with the motivation and drive to be better students, better friends, and overall better people to and for the campus culture around them.

Now, a recently conducted study reports that all such feelings have completely vanished from the above-mentioned students, leaving them in a mental state virtually identical to that of any given participant pre-DM.

“It’s quite the phenomenon,” said Dr. Waldo Hurphburger, a professor of Sociology at Northwestern and the chief researcher of the above study.  “In a single thirty-hour period, a morally repugnant, despicably selfish student can become a beacon of charitable kindness and generosity; then, in as little as sixty hours later, lose all such kindness and go back to being, in layman’s terms, a total fucking tool.”

A Detailed Schedule for a New Years Spent Alone

This year, I will be spending New Years Eve at home by myself. This is not a choice I made willingly, nor is it the first time that I have found myself in this situation. It’s pretty much the same story every time I come home for the holidays – my friends hang around town for the first week or so, and then jet off to various destinations the day after Christmas, where they typically remain until well after the New Year. This leaves me with three options for New Years Eve:

1) Call up friends from high school that I’ve lost touch with.

2) Hang out with parents and parents’ friends.

3) Stay home alone.

The Movies of 2013 as Told Through Snapchats

2013 was an amazing year for the movies. Jennifer Lawrence was hotter than ever, and America actually went to see movies about race that weren’t The Help. But instead of recapping this year in some dowdy list form, we thought we’d write a retrospective in the only medium you people seem to know how to communicate with these days: Snapchats.

Journalism Student Writes Article Defending Millennials While Vigorously Masturbating

Timothy, enjoying a chubby just thinking about the awareness raised by the #StopKony campaign.

EVANSTON, Ill. – While penning an opinion piece about why the generation of Americans aged 18-30 is in fact one of the hardest-working and most intelligent generations this country has ever seen, Northwestern student Timothy DeVaine (Medill, ’15) could not help but start tugging on his penis in a furious and fast-paced motion until he successfully reached orgasm.

Sources confirmed that DeVaine was not initially that excited as he typed the first paragraph of the piece on his Macbook Air, gifted to him by his parents in honor of his 3.4 cumulative GPA last year, a paragraph which read, “They’re self-absorbed.  They expect a reward for every little thing they do. 

College Student Posts Status in Support of Gay Marriage; Is True American Hero

Wilkinson’s tireless actions, she hopes, will make the world better for “all my really hot skinny male gay friends.”

EVANSTON, IL – Local student Jessica Wilkinson, who yesterday posted a Facebook status reading “GAY MARRIAGE IS LEGAL IN ILLINOIS!  Awesome day for this nation #GayRights”, is being hailed as the next great American civil rights visionary by peers and political pundits alike.

The Best and Worst Topical Costumes of Halloween 2013

Halloweek is finally here, which means you have just enough time to get your costumes in order! That’s the good news. The bad news?

11 Things I’d Do For a Klondike Bar

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I don’t know about you, but I freaking love Klondike Bars®. They are my morning, noon, and night. A frosty cold Klondike Bar® is the wind beneath my wings, taking me higher and higher on a path to glorious ecstasy.

Putting Your Best Foot Forward: Meeting Your BF’s*+ Parents At Dinner (Not at all inspired by true events from last weekend)

Never display fear. Only self-loathing.

In this list, I will pull from my vast^! dating experience to help you conquer one of dating’s biggest challenges: meeting the parents.

Okay, so if you’re all like, “Oh but parents LoVe Me! iM sO FaCKING CharMinGGGG!!@!!@YQ*@ COMM STUDIES FTW!”  then fuck you.  Because nobody’s perfect, and everyone can use some helpful reminders.  No matter who you are, you’re not too good for my FOOLPROOF ADVICE.  Read on.

Snapchat: A User’s Guide

Snapchat Episode V: The Bro-Tank Strikes Back

I understand your pain. No matter how many times you’re stuck trying to convince your puritanical family and friends, they just don’t get it. “Snapchat. That’s the one for sexting isn’t it?”

No, texting is the app for sexting. Snapchat is the app for liberating yourself from the chains and pains of recorded history and, from time to time, sharing your junk with strangers. Nothing to confuse here.

Even the most sext-averse among us, however, can catch the Snap. It’s as simple as doing it right.

RULES OF SNAPCHAT DONE RIGHT

The first rule of Snapchat is to respect the purpose of the app. No other form of communication provides a history catalog as fleeting, and at times frustrating, as Snapchat. While you may curse the creators for only providing you the names and times of what’s taken place before your eyes, you cannot, under any circumstances, take screenshots of what’s been sent to you for the potential purpose of blackmail. Joining Snapchat is automatic enrollment into a community which lives in a safezone of 3am mistakes.

Sure, if someone sends a well-captioned picture of a man on the El wearing nothing but a snuggie and denim socks, you should rightfully record this for safekeeping. The world needs to know about denim socks.

But, when in the course of human events is it necessary to capture your friend’s quadruple chin or your ex’s chiseled quads? Look at your life and look at your Snapchat before it’s gone. Be the bigger ex and let it disappear.

AS FOR WHAT YOU SHOULD BE SNAPOVATING

No one wants another captionless selfie from that one angle that works for you on a day you’ve convinced yourself you look fresh. Instead, exploit Snapchat’s most lucrative feature: deshaming the public selfie.

The Official Sherman Ave Spring Break Drinking Game

Finish the keg if that’s your dad.

It is officially Wednesday of Spring Break, and that means that, if you are having a good old staycation, you have been sober for far too long. That’s why Sherman Ave is here to make this Spring Break more fun for you with our official Sherman Ave Spring Break Drinking Game! Because, as they say, if you can’t be on vacation for Spring Break, get drunk!

Take one shot anytime one of the following happens:
Every time you find yourself watching an episode of Law and Order SVU
Every time a friend snapchats you a picture from an exotic place
Every time someone asks you what you are doing this year/summer/with your life
Every time you suspect you are the oldest person in a given establishment
Every time your parents ask you if you are seeing someone at school
Every time you finish a pint of ice cream
Every time you get roped into doing chores for your Mom
Every time you fall asleep before 11pm
Every time you watch The Game Show Network by choice
Every time you tell a story about school and omit how drunk/high you were
Every four-hour period you go without wearing pants
Every time you convince your parents to let you drink with dinner
Every time your pale, winter-quarter glow scares someone from home
Every time you revisit The Sims and make them Woo-hoo
Every time you see a FreeCreditReport.com commercial

TWO SHOT BONUSES FOR THE FOLLOWING:
If you realize the closest pot dealer to your house is a junior in high school
If you manage to hook up with the only other person home for spring break at the same time
If you can successfully avoid putting any effort into anything over the week of Spring Break

-Sloppy Burnside