NU Researchers Discover Strange New Object in the Sky

A rough sketch of the object, which researches have called “baffling.”

EVANSTON, Il. – Researchers at Northwestern University have discovered an unfamiliar mass which appears to have been discreetly orbiting Evanston for the past week. With the help of Dearborn Observatory’s historic refracting telescope, local astronomers studying the “luminous yellow sphere” have noted that it is unlike anything that has been seen in recent memory, and that very little is known about its nature and purpose.

In an effort to better understand the strange presence’s impact on local residents, Northwestern’s psychology and physics departments have launched a collaborative effort to measure the odd affective and behavioral changes correlated with the object’s appearance.

“During the hours in which the sphere was visible, we observed over 36 smiles and 68 instances of eye contact on Sheridan Road,” reports NU professor Renee Engeln-Maddox. “We haven’t seen that many since

If Mother Nature Live-Tweeted the Past Week’s Weather

Northwestern Archaeology Department Discovers Long-Forgotten Sidewalk

12:25 p.m. CST, February 18, 2014

Where does the sidewalk end?!

EVANSTON, IL—Northwestern University’s Archaeology department began a new excavation today on campus, unearthing a sidewalk that was previously believed to have been long lost.

Rumors of a sidewalk running from Kresge to Norris had been circulating, but until today, it was thought to be only a myth, much like the Frostbite Express.  Sources involved in the excavation claimed that the discovery was largely in part due to 

14 Signs You Live in Evanston

1. You’ve been through tougher winters than most of the people you know.

Evanston in the winter. Can you even recognize it?

2. You’re no stranger to all the great dining and shopping options Evanston’s downtown has to offer.

Don’t you love Downtown Evanston?

22 Things I’ve Learned So Far This Winter

(via Northwestern)

1. If it drops anything less than 12 inches of snow, I literally do not give a fuck. I don’t want to hear about it on the news, I don’t want 100 statuses commemorating it on facebook, it doesn’t matter. Oh it snowed 10 inches? Rad. That happened twice last week.

2. There is no point in shoveling driveways or cleaning off cars, because in 12 hours SHIT IS GOING TO BE COVERED ONCE AGAIN IN FUCKING SNOW.

3. It may be time to accept the fact that

An Ode to the Olympic Sweater

My eyes widen, and a patriotic spark awakens
My senses, as though of Coca-Cola I had drunk,
Or inhaled a Big-Mac with four slices of bacon.
One minute passed, and then these words I had thunk:
“Tis not through hatred of the ugly lot,
but being too happy in thy ugliness,-
That thou, star-spangled cardigan of wool,
In some melodious plot
Of patchwork art, and flags numberless (aka 2),
Singest of America the beautiful.

5 Spectacularly Awful Sci–Fi/ Fantasy Character Names

Science fiction and fantasy are interesting genres in that they encourage narratives free from association with real–world logic, philosophy, or science. Pretty much anything goes in the land of lightsabers and lazerbeams, and that type of liberal mentality can encourage the worst creative tendencies in otherwise talented writers, especially when it comes to something as simple––and seemingly trivial––as naming characters.

I, along with many others, went to go see The Hunger Games: Catching Fire over Thanksgiving break, and while I enjoyed the movie, I found myself spit–taking my liquid popcorn butter frequently as straight–faced actors called each other things like “Effie Trinket” or “President Coriolanus (Ha! Anus!) Snow.”

Understanding and Combating S.A.D.

Know the signs.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), commonly called ‘Winter Blues’, is a type of depression which most commonly manifests itself during the fall and winter months. Understanding the causes and signs of SAD is important to avoiding falling into depression during the cold winter months ahead.

Students Paying $60,000 a Year for Education Able to Correctly Identify Weather Conditions

EVANSTON, Ill. – Students who pay approximately $45,120 a year on college tuition alone proved this afternoon that they have the ability to properly identify the weather condition of “snow,” the climatological phenomenon by which incredibly small droplets of frozen water, each one unique and infinitesimally defined, fall from the sky.

“OMG SNOW IS HERE SO HAPPY #LetItSnow,” reported Christina Schwartzman (Medill ’16), who by the end of her college career will have suffered over $240,000 in educational costs in order to net herself a successful marketing job, via her Twitter account. This sentiment was contrasted by Weinberg Junior Clark Collins, a young man who will one day found his own Smartphone-based tech startup, who tweeted “Snow already ughhhhh #TooEarly.”

Let it Snow (Please, for the Love of God)

Dear Weather,

What the fuck is going on.

If you live in the Chicagoland area, or really anywhere in the eastern/central Midwest, you have probably noticed something very peculiar this December, something that doesn’t quite gel with how you’ve experienced the Decembers of yesteryear:  You’ve looked outside your window, and seen grass.  Un-blanketed, un-white grass.  Again: it is late December.  There should be snow.  Where the fuck is the snow.