Amanda Bynes: Master Troll

Troll

Do you ever think about the celebrity infatuation that exists in this county?

The generous amount of on-air time spent covering the Hollywood aristocracy would make any publicity-seeking radical weep into their manifestos. This is especially true with the celebrity meltdown, the fall from grace which has become a parody of itself. The drugs, the denials, the arrests, it has all become so cliché that you need to spice it up nowadays if you want attention (e.g. with racism, animal abuse, revanchism, etc.).

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: How to Use Facebook for Newly Admitted College Students

She did NOT just friend every member of the Class of 2017.

So you just got accepted into your dream college, or your “best fit school,” or your safety school, or the University of Chicago – congratulations! Now that you’ve gotten past this difficult step, there’s only one thing you have to remember: Every single person from these schools’ Facebook groups is watching your every move.

Yes, once you join “___________ University’s Class of 2017” Facebook group, there will be thousands of people going through your past, current, and future Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, MySpace (yeah, they find it), and Adult FriendFinder posts and pictures. In order to help you navigate this frightening new world, Sherman Ave has compiled a list of dos and don’ts that will provide some insight into how to act in the strange world of stalking.

Disclaimer: Sherman Ave cannot legally promise that these suggestions will help.

Sherman Ave’s Dating Profile

A good profile picture should stick in peoples minds.

Haaaiii guyzz, I’m new here. And bitterly disappointed. Was anyone else under the impression that Sherman Ave was a dating site? Kept exclusively for Northwestern’s most heinous sexual predators and most socially awkward? I thought they were just really into necrophilia, seeing as they spend an awful lot of time talking about hooking up with dead historical figures.

Who to follow/like on Twitter/Facebook

This kid likes Sherman Ave. And somebody called Kate Upton.

Let’s assume, for a second, that you’re heinous. I know, I know: You? You’d never be heinous! Heinous is a bad thing! Like classes that don’t allow laptops or the fact that Tim Pawlenty was so drastically overlooked in the rational-fest that is the GOP primary! But based on the fact that you’re reading this honorable website, I’m gonna say you might be heinous.

And, if you’re as heinous as I imagine, then you may be thinking to yourself, “Ugh I totes feel like I don’t rully follow enough awesome people on social media!” Have no fear: Sir T-Worth is here to ruin the Internet with a nice little list of the best accounts to like or follow on Facebook or Twitter.

Sherman Ave
Why the hell haven’t you liked and followed us yet? We’re fucking hilarious. Do it now.

Your Friend From High School (@FriendFromHS)
This is probably the best parody account on the internet. Seamlessly weaving heinousness, ignorance, terrific spelling, unthinkable abbreves, plotlines and alcoholism into 140 character tidbits, FriendFromHS captures the essence of every townie. You’ll be treated (or tweeted!!! GET IT?!!?) to such joys as “WHY DOES EVER BARTENDA OR HIGH SCHOOL COACH I SLEEP WIT HAVE A WIFE?!?! uggggh #happyvd” and get to know her newly born twins, Caylee and JonBenet. This is potentially our pinnacle as a species.

Not Buster Olney (@Tripping_Olney)
If you love sports or comedy or ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney, look no further. TrippingOlney is the one account that successfully takes a sober, vanilla sports reporter and accurately puts him on LSD. Tweets like “WHY’D THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? TO AVOID BEING SIGNED BY THE METS” provide a welcome respite from all the other incredibly serious accounts on this list. And you know it’s funny because he tweets in ALL CAPS.

Courtney Stodden (@CourtneyStodden)
Sweet sultry seamstress of sexual synergy! America’s favorite underage future-sex-tape-star has never been one to hold back, be it in her choice of husband, affinity for flirting with pumpkins, or on Twitter. Stodden, who rose to fame for her, um, “mature” looks and marriage to former LOST star and 51-year-old Doug Hutchison at the age of 16, uses Twitter as her personal release for all that lusty, lusty lust she has pent up. She also uses an unthinkable amount of alliteration. Which is cool. But guys, she’s 17. Is this whole situation legal?

Did you seriously just tweet about how you became the mayor of the Norris Crepe Station?

Jed Bartlet(@Pres_Bartlet)
If you’re a West Wing fan, this is 2 e-z. But even if you’re not it’s well worth your time to follow the “fictional” president from the show. Bartlet’s tweets have the ability to appear as snappy 140-character one-liners, yet often make a valid point in a witty, concise way. The account’s creators stay true to the show’s character and stick both to his politics and style. But be warned: Bartlet was a Democrat (and perhaps the greatest president we’ve ever had) and his tweets follow suit. Santorum-huggers may want to stay away.

Facebook
OMG like it on Facebook, it’s so meta! Meta on meta on meta. Everything’s meta, I love being meta. I have no idea what meta means.

Newt Gingrich Ideas (@GingrichIdeas)
Newt Gingrich loves thinking of stuff. He loves thinking of himself as President, he loves thinking of divorcing his wife for a younger version, he loves thinking of the moon, and he loves thinking of ideas. This account has a direct link to Newt’s brain and such brilliant ideas as “Kittens.” or “Trick a Muslim into eating pork so I can steal his powers” or “Show up at the Grammys in a wig and accept all of Adele’s awards.” If we get enough people to follow this account, the Republican primary voters might remember he exists again!

George Takei
Guys he’s so funny. Like literally, who could have foreseen that Lt. Sulu would end up this balla? His Facebook page has seriously become my one-stop shop for all things random, funny, inappropriate, poignant, and in favor of marriage equality. He’s the definition of the old guy who knows how to use Facebook and he’s done a great job of establishing a personal relationship with his fans through caption contests and personal posts. We must reward this kind of behavior. Like him immediately.

Northwestern Girl (@NrthwesternGrl)
She just gets us. Northwestern Girl takes all of NU’s subtle habits, phrases, and tendencies and combines them into the epitome of an overachieving sorostitute who casually lives in Norris. Her knowledge of what makes NU students tick is at once enviable and horrifying, and tweets such as “We should totally do that. Let’s go during reading week!” and “When are you getting to Evanston slash when are we getting together???? FREAKING OUT” will leave you giggling alone in your room because you have no friends.

Rainn Wilson (@rainnwilson)
Rainn Wilson’s Twitter picture is currently Jeremy Lin. That’s pretty all you need to know about this account. Wilson, who plays Dwight on the popular American version of the British smash hit comedy “The Office” airing Thursday nights on NBC even though Steve Carrell left, tackles comedy, politics, and everything weird on this account. Perhaps the best way to summarize Wilson’s eclectic Tweeting style is through this one: “They keep switching T-Mobile girls & thinking we won’t notice. Like Bewitched.”

Jenna Marbles (@Jenna_Marbles)
She’s taught us how to do The Face. She’s filled us in on how to trick people into thinking you’re good looking. She let us know what the ladiez do in the car. But now, everyone’s favorite YouTube

It's no Dmitri, but it'll get the job done.

comedian/likely stripper is dispensing her knowledge on the Twitters. Marbles fills her page with tidbits of heinous to keep us informed on how to like the white girl trash lifestyle 24/7. Anecdotes like “I just did the walk of shame from my living room to my bedroom” and “Couple of shots of tequila deep. Anyone else? Just me? Cool. *cries about life*” let you know that she’s the real deal, too.

Burnett’s (@_Burnetts)
This parody account highlights the lowlights of consuming perhaps the fifth worst vodka known to man. Tweets range from follower-submitted Burnett’s horror stories to polite encouragement that comes in handy when you’re reconsidering your life choices. Usually hilarious, _Burnett’s lets us remember that there are other heinouses out there in the world, if only you know where to look. One note of caution: sometimes this shit is too real.

Tweeting About a Revolution

A central focus of media coverage for the ongoing Egyptian protests against the repressive government of Hosni Mubarak, as well as the recent reordering of the Tunisian government and unrest in Yemen, has been on the power of internet-based social media to unleash popular resentment against authoritarian regimes. Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and numerous local blogs have been essential tools for organization and communication among protestors, as well as vital sources of information for observers. Mubarak implicitly recognized the influential clout of the Internet when he shut down Egypt’s Internet and temporarily cut off Egypt’s cell phone service.

It is difficult to grasp the social and political implications of social media that we take for granted so easily. As the New York Times put it, there is a rising notion that, “The same Web tools that so many Americans use to keep up with college pals and post passing thoughts have a more noble role as well, as a scourge of despotism.”

But it is also just as easy to give the Internet’s social networking tools far too much credit when it comes to facilitating political unrest.

As great a resource as the internet can be, websites like Facebook and Twitter rely on the actions of their users in order to be effective. The “Day of Anger” of January 25th might not have been organized without Facebook, but it was the 15,000 protesters in Tahrir Square that shook the country, representing a national revolt against a repressive regime that embodies Egyptian frustration with unemployment, police brutality, corruption, and lack of freedom. Protesters in the streets of Cairo burning down the walls of the National Democratic Party Headquarters, not users on Facebook looking at profile walls, are the agents of change. Twitter is merely a source of instantaneous reporting, albeit an exceptionally valuable one.

Think of how pissed you'd be if they got rid of hot cookie bar. Then multiply that by 2,000.

Social media can even be a dangerous receptacle of information that can be used against virtuous protestors. The same New York Times article mentions numerous oppressive regimes, like Russia, China, and Iran, who exploit the Internet for their own antidemocratic purposes by mining the web for pertinent information. We must keep in mind that the Internet, once thought of as the paragon of freedom and democracy, can just as easily be used for more sinister purposes.

Wait, you're telling us that Arcade Fire AND The National are coming in April!?

Malcolm Gladwell’s New Yorker article “Small Change: Why the revolution will not be retweeted” examined the role of social media in the political turmoil of Iran’s “Green Revolution” and the 2009 Moldovan protests. Compared to the American civil-rights protests of the 1960s, Gladwell concluded that the weak ties formed by social media networks are relatively ineffectual at promoting high-risk activism. Simply liking a Facebook page involves a lot less commitment than facing the physical and psychological brutality that the Civil Rights movement encountered, just as reading the tweets of Mohamed ElBaradei involves less action than protecting your neighborhood from looters, armed solely with a baseball bat. Social media has its necessary place in activism, but it certainly does not lead to the kind of high-risk activism and popular revolt that is threatening the 30-year reign of President Mubarak.

We can only speculate how exactly he convinced them

The difference between participation in activism, which social media encourages, and action, which requires motivation derived from human will, can be seen here in Evanston. When Evanston officials decided to begin enforcing the so-called “Brothel Law,” students rose up in protest. Although Twitter and Facebook were valuable forums for information and displays of discontent, the 500 students shouting at Howard, Burns, and Murphy seemed much more effective at convincing Morty Schapiro to rise up and strongarm the Evanston authorities into submission.

Northwestern’s Associated Student Government Facebook page has 1,216 “likes,” while the Living Wage Campaign has only 614. Despite this disparity, the Living Wage Campaign (regardless of how you might feel about their position) has been one of the most vocal and committed groups on campus, while the ASG has been unable to effect virtually any substantial change on campus. I have 87 Facebook friends who are among the 1,182,016 people who clicked on a link to join the cause to “Save Darfur.” Yet as far as I can tell, they have miserably failed at their cause, and have only raised 8.7 cents each.

It takes true motivation and commitment to change the world. Social Media, although an exceptionally helpful tool for communication and organization, does not effect change on its own. We must be wary of commentators who over-hype the role of social media in instituting change. The tools of the Internet are the tools of revolution, but it is the actions of the people, not the tools, that bring about change.