A Comprehensive Guide to Mitt Romney

Fearlessly saying whatever it takes to be President of these United States of America since ’07.

Every 7 minutes I get a notification from my CNN app. “A recent CNN poll has Romney leading in Florida with 50%, Obama 49%.” “According to a recent poll, Obama is ahead in Ohio with 51%, Romney close behind with 48%.”  Obama is leading in Florida. Romney is leading in Ohio. Obama in Iowa. Romney in Wisconsin. Obama in Ohio. Romney in New Hampshire. Obama in Wisconsin. Romney in Florida.

If one thing is clear about the atrocious excuse for democracy that is this presidential election, it’s that the race is tighter than Paul Ryan’s pecs. Because it’s entirely possible that Barack-star won’t get reelected, it’s time we familiarize ourselves with the alternative. This guide contains all the information that you could ever need to know about the Republican candidate.

Will the real Mitt Romney please stand up?

Full Name: Willard Mittingtons Romney III

Childhood nickname: Mittens the Kitten

How he got his childhood nickname: He fucking built it

Childhood hobbies: Lincoln Logs, Etch-a-Sketch

Early education: Cranbrook High School (other notable alumni include the guy who B-Rabbit rap battles at the end of 8 Mile).

College: Stanford for a hot second, then transferred to Brigham Young University (a transfer that would’ve made a lot more sense the other way around, but whatevs).

Vietnam War: He went on a mission trip to France instead.

Early career: Made the moniez at Bain Capital.

Salt Lake City Olympics: He built that shit.

Family: Beautiful wife Ann, 5 strapping boys named Tagg, Tucker, Joseph, Capital, and Small Business*

Position on abortion: He’s pro-choice, except he’s a pro-life pro-choice. He’s pro-life except for cases of rape and incest, except for the cases of rape and incest for which he does not make exceptions.

Gay marriage: NONONO. NO. Sanctity of marriage. Traditional American values. Importance of the family. Other things that Republicans say.

Foreign Policy: Unilateral approach. Also, London sucks. Romneylympics were like sooooo much better.

Economics: Success, individual initiative, business=good. Dependency, government programming, the 47%=bad. Taxes bad. Romney no likey.

Healthcare: Supports universal healthcare. In favor of a mandate that orders all citizens to have health insurance. That being said, he is against the tyrannical, socialist, and unconstitutional piece of dogshit  that is Obamacare.

ROMNEY/RYAN 2k12 NO REGRETZ

*Small Business later added a footnote to the end of his name, so he became Small Business[1]

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[1] No this is not a reference to my genitalia

#GetFuckedBC

You never forget your first time.

Hello there.

Are you a BCS team from an automatic qualifier conference? Are you traveling to Evanston in the near future? Are you the Boston College Eagles!?

If so, then on behalf of the Northwestern Wildcat football program and the 250 or so bored students from the Greater Chicagoland area, we cordially invite you to get fucked.

First off, let us begin by complimenting the entire BC defense on how well your faces have recovered from the monstrous welt Kain Colter’s schlong gave you in last year’s season opener.* We’re mostly just impressed that you came back for more after that thorough 24-17 dicking.

Doesn’t the Catholic Church have some sort of policy against the bestiality you are about to endure at the mercy of Venric Mark and the Northwestern wide receiver corps? We always knew that Jesuits were pretty chill about that sort of thing, but still.

Regardless, it’s kind of rude for Notre Dame to seek an injunction against the HHS mandate just so Boston College football won’t be able to receive the sexual health care it will need after getting so totally fucked by NU this Saturday afternoon. It’s not like Notre Dame was going to need any help beating you guys anyway.

Speaking of sensitive religious topics, stop trying to inquisition us.

We know we were once called the Fighting Methodists and all, but nowadays most of our students are either Jewish, godless socialist Democrats, or Markwell. Fitzwizardry isn’t heresy, and with the exception of your defensive backs, nobody’s getting torched this Saturday. Give it a rest, and spend less time trying to impose canonical law with the arm of Chase Rettig and more time getting fucked.

The only thing more depressing than being the third best college accessible via the T will be Chi Chi Ariguzo’s physically and emotionally damaging defense. The only thing more unsettling than Frank Spaziani’s mustache will be how Ifaedi Odenigbo methodically destroys everything you hold holy — starting with Doug Flutie and ending with Tip O’Neill, Scott Brown, and Matt Ryan — in an assault that transcends the boundaries of time, space, and party politics.**

Simply put, Pat Fitzgerald the Fighting Methodists will fuck you worse than the sexual trinity Karl Rove administered to BC Law alum John Kerry in 2004.

Last week, we made a promise and came through. This week we are proud to make another such guarantee.

Get Fucked BC.
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*My second dick slapping joke in as many weeks. I’m gunning for the record set by Brother Jürgen Taintsdorf in the infamous summer of ’06.
**Seriously, are you guys good at doing anything else besides playing quarterback or serving in Congress?

To stay updated on this weekend’s #GetFuckedBC campaign, follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook and look for the intoxicated heinouses shouting ‘Get Fucked BC’ Saturday afternoon at Ryan Field.