An Exposé on the Secret World of The Patriarchy

At first I was worried that Dolphintail Espinoza would not be masculine enough to gain entry, but apparently the doorman was a brony, for he tipped his fedora to me when I told him my name. Upon entry, I was led into a basement, in which I could make out several men, swathed in flickering shadows. The air hung heavy, heavy like an untapped keg. A voice came from beyond an altar at the far end of the room.

“Welcome… to Bro Club.”

The man stepped into the light. He was young, muscular, with blonde hair and blue eyes. The others addressed him as “The Patriarch” but I heard one whisper the name “Chet”. He looked kind of like

9 GIFs for Humans

Being human is great. I should know, I’ve been one my entire life. And like any good human, I love GIFs. The short, looping animations please my simple

9 Reasons Going to the Movies Alone is Actually Super Rad

You’re basically the MLK Jr. of film-goers.

While I fully appreciate the convenience of Netflix, Hulu, and Comcast On Demand, I usually prefer to see movies in the theater. A trip to the theater is an event. Movie theaters provide a change in scenery, access to the grossest foods you could dream of, and a much-needed break from my nonexistent life at Northwestern.

Luckily, here at Northwestern, there are literally thousands of nerds to choose from when it comes to finding a movie buddy.  There was no shortage of people to accompany me to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I, The Lion King in 3D, and Wreck-it Ralph. I even managed to find a person with whom I could watch trees, cosmic swirls, and a stern-looking Brad Pitt on a loop for 139 minutes in The Tree of Life.

A Line-By-Line Analysis of Brad Paisley and LL Cool J’s “Accidental Racist”

Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier in baseball.  Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on the bus.  Martin Luther King having a dream.  Barack Obama winning the presidency.  All of us are familiar with the work that trailblazers like these and so many others accomplished to move beyond our nation’s racial divisions.  Now, I am proud to announce that we can inscribe two more names on to this prestigious list, for country singer Brad Paisley has teamed up with rap icon/NCIS: Los Angeles star LL Cool J to finally eradicate black-white tensions.  If you were at all concerned that America in 2013 had still not achieved a truly post-racial society, then boy, do I have news for you!  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you “Accidental Racist.”

“To the man who waited on me
at the Starbucks down on Main
I hope you understand”

It appears that Brad Paisley knows of exactly one black person, and it is a minimum-wage earner at a coffee chain.  And he has dedicated a song to this one black person.  What could go wrong?

The Shoulder Thing

As a member of society with an available soapbox, I feel that it is necessary to warn you of a disgusting phenomenon in our society. This little-known gesture of disdain and douchiness has plagued middle schools for ages, but seeing its use among the heinously classy students of Northwestern brings me to my knees.

It is commonly known as “The Shoulder Thing.”

Imagine, for example, a group of friends have formed a circle. They are having a very deep and intimate conversation in which minds are being enlightened and lives are being changed.

A friend or acquaintance overhears snippet of said conversation and wishes to contribute.

However, the shoulders of persons A and B are too close together, and the new member cannot contribute to the conversation.

This is known as “The Shoulder Thing.”

Persons A and B are Motherfuckers because they can hear their friend knocking on the conversation’s door, politely requesting entry with his presence, and don’t move. Person C is also Motherfucker because he is physically looking into the face of the shunned and doesn’t say anything.

So much douchery is implied, and the Motherfuckers don’t even have the decency to outright shun the outsider. They strand him on the outside, disappointed and confused, like a freshmen girl calling Saferide at 3:27 AM when she finally thinks the line won’t be busy only to find that she’s too late and they’re no longer open, and now she’s either got to ask a frat bro she barely knows to walk her all the way south, go alone and risk running into the Smartphone Pirates, or hook up with a guy to get a place for the night.

Typically, circles of Motherfuckers will simply ignore the presence of the outsider, interrupting his stuttered attempts at contribution as if to say, “You are not worth the time it takes me to listen to your comment. You are not worth a momentary pity nod. However, my comment is incredibly important and significantly more valuable than whatever you are going to say.” Seriously, even Kanye, the most narcissistic of disruptive douchebags, was gonna let Taylor finish. Hell, Kanye even let Taylor start.

Here is an illustration of how to properly do The Shoulder Thing. As demonstrated, Persons A and B angle their shoulders so as to be enlightened by the insightful remark about to be made by their acquaintance.

You and your friends are tight. You are tighter than a hipster’s pants, tighter than a nun’s poontang, tighter than Kate Upton in an A-cup. We get it. The inside jokes are enough to make potential newcomers awkwardly excuse themselves from a conversation with a comment like, “I’ll be over there jerking off in your Apple Jacks, because it’s more visibly appreciative of my input.” You probably don’t like the outsider, or you’d welcome them. But you don’t have to be such a Motherfucker about it.

You must be the heinous you wish to see in the world.