The Perfect Shower Beer Playlist

It’s a Wednesday night, you got a 31 on your midterm, and you just remembered that your landlord pays your water bill. Sounds like it’s time for a shower beer! If you haven’t been introduced to the joys of a cold beer in a hot, steamy shower yet, have no fear! I’ll walk you through it. But before you get all lathered up, there are three things you’ll need:

1. Beer. Although shot gunning a can of Busch Light may be a great way to impress the ladiez, it isn’t a shower beer. Try something that doesn’t taste like piss water.

2. A place to put your beer to keep it shampoo-free.

Holds your beer, so you don’t have to!

3. This playlist*

LMFAO – Sexy And I Know It

Who doesn’t feel sexy dripping wet and slightly buzzed? It’s time to DANCE!**

Adele – Someone Like You

Use any excuse to belt this song at the top of your lungs. Plus, the acoustics in the bathroom are pretty great

OutKast – Hey Ya

Throwbacks are 259% better while drunk. So are emotional rollercoasters brought on by listening to this immediately after Adele.

Taylor Swift – We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

Remember that emotional rollercoaster I was talking about?

Macklemore – Thrift Shop

So I’m a little obsessed with this song right now (who isn’t?) and it gives me an excuse to practice my sexy bass singing voice (I don’t care if biology says girls can’t sing that low, someday I will sing bass!)

Miley Cyrus – Party in the USA

No playlist is complete without a song about America. And this one is just so damn catchy…

Rose Royce – Car Wash

Car wash, face wash…same thing

Katy Perry – Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)

The perfect combination of funny and sexy: you can sing the words you know and dance to the ones you don’t.

Carly Rae Jepsen – Call Me Maybe

Everyone else may be sick of this song, but I know all the words, and I love singing it in the shower. Pro tip: beer bottles make excellent microphones.

The Police – Roxanne

You know the game where half the room drinks every time they say “Roxanne” and the other half drinks whenever they say “put on the red light”? This is the same, except you are both teams. If you haven’t finished your beer yet (it’s OK if it’s your second…or fourth), bottoms up!

That’s it! Now go grab a PBR and some coconut body wash.

-Tabitha McHunter

*This is by no means a good combination of songs and should not be taken as such

**Sherman Ave is not responsible for any injuries incurred while dancing in the shower.

An Analysis of Hunger Games Based Entirely On The Movie Poster

I don’t go out much. I spend most of my weekends in my room, listening to a mash-up of “Call Me Maybe,” “Someone Like You,” and Morty’s voice (never has masturbation had such an illustrious, confusing soundtrack). The world outside is a scary place, full of crime, danger, and Mitt Romney. Unfortunately, because I seldom venture into that terrifying, Romneyful world, I am always behind on trends – including the epidemic that is The Hunger Games. However, as a political science major, I need to seem like I know about everything all the time, and it is no different with The Hunger Games. I decided the best way to find out as much as I could about The Hunger Games while doing as little as possible (another trait I’ve picked up as a poli-sci major), was to look at the movie posters. Here’s what I learned about The Hunger Games from the official movie posters:

The world will be not only watching, but also paying $12 to see this depraved travesty

Birds Make People Thoughtful
I don’t know why there’s a giant bird on fire. I don’t know why everyone is staring at it. Despite this, I do know one thing: that bird is making everyone contemplative as all hell. Does that bird hold the secrets of the universe? Does it explain the future of our world? Does it explain why every song isn’t Call Me Maybe? I sure hope it does, because those people are probably wasting a lot of time staring at that thing and if it doesn’t tell them why Carly Rae Jepsen isn’t my wife (Carly….CALL ME MAYBE. OR DEFINITELY. NOW), they shouldn’t be staring at it so much.
The Hunger Games Involve Public Sex Demonstrations
So this may be a little far-fetched, but I only had one thought when I saw the poster of the people staring at each other on the televisions: that blonde guy is gonna have so much sex with that girl. They’re gonna sex all over the place. Later though, I noticed that one of the posters said, “The World Will Be Watching.” This can only mean one thing: public sex demonstrations. They seem to be in the middle of an arena and there are televisions, so they probably have sex in the arena and everyone watches on the big screen. That’s what people do in big arenas with everyone watching, right? I haven’t done any research, so this may be an age-inappropriate idea, but if I’ve learned one thing at Northwestern, it’s that when two people meet in front of a large gathering in any venue, they’re going to have sex.

"I'm going to eat the thighs first!"

None of This Movie Involves Food
If these people are going to spend so much time having sex and being thoughtful, they’re clearly not going to be eating. Who wants to watch a bunch of fat people have public sex anyhow? But now I’m confused. Why is it called The Hunger Games if there is no food? Are they hungry for each other? Or worse, are they hungry for each other’s bodies? Oh god, that’s it isn’t it? They eat each other? They eat each other! What the fuck guys?! Why did you all go out and watch a movie where people have sex then engage in cannibalism? What is wrong with you people? This is why I never leave my room. I’m not going to go out into a world full of people that enjoy watching people engage in pure gluttony and hedonism. That’s it. This movie makes me sick.

This asshole bet on himself in the Hunger Games

The People Watching Bet on the Lustful Cannibals
This movie is just disgusting. I don’t make judgments about public sex demonstrations; in fact, sometimes they can be a crucial part of a young student’s learning experience. And combining the public sex with cannibalism is fairly inappropriate. But the people watching are betting on it? I mean, there can’t be any other reason why the odds should be in their favor. How the hell does this even happen?! Do they bet on who eats the others first? Maybe they bet on the sex positions they use. Why would they bet on the sex positions? I would always pick doggy style. I don’t think it would happen anymore than others, I just don’t know any other sex positions. God, what type of world bets on cannibals’ sex lives in their free time? This is what you people do when you’re not watching movies, isn’t it? You all bet on each other’s sex lives and lead lives of pure sin.

I’m going to try to hold back my disgust long enough to summarize this abomination of a creation. So basically, this is The Hunger Games: People have sex, and then those people eat other. The world watches all of the people in The Hunger Games do this, and some people bet on everything that happens. I think I’ve summed it up. Wow. Just wow. I can’t believe you all watched this. I’m done with everything forever.

2011 Sherman Ave Reader’s Poll: Results

With 122 responses and a wide variety of exceedingly gruesome responses,* we were absolutely thrilled with the success of this year’s poll. So, after much anticipation (drumroll please), we present to you: RESULTS!

The hanging chad of our generation

Most Heinous Event of 2011
With 24% of the vote, the winner was: Rebecca Black’s “Friday” Strikes Youtube. This is undoubtedly the most atrocious non-majority victory we’ve seen since November 2000.

Best Place to Find and Enjoy a Hookup
Also with 24% of the vote, the winner was: A Frat House. Notable write-ins include “Baby Bash ski trip concert” and “Deer season in Indiana.” Surprisingly enough, nobody mentioned Sherman Ave HQ…

Favorite Sherman Ave personality?
With 30% of the vote, the winner was: Sir Edward Twattingworth III. We at the Ave have not a shred of doubt that this will result in a power-trip of unprecedented magnitude, but with Sir T-Worth, we’re used to it. Anything less than Putin-esque levels of self-aggrandizement would be a disappointment.

Best Song of 2011
With 15% of the vote, the winner was: “Someone Like You” by Adele. This can easily be understood by anyone who has ever been within a 5-mile radius of any intoxicated Sherman Ave writer. Or felt love.

Most Mouthgasms per Bite
With 33% of the vote, the winner was: Hot Cookie Bar. Notable write-ins include “your mom” and “Pippa Middleton.”

DAMN YOU HIPSTERS FOR RUINING THE BEANIE FOR ME!!!!

Best Coffee Shop
With 52% of the vote, the winner was: Kafein. This would probably not go over well with one of the respondents who wrote in the answer, “Hipsters are sub-humans.” Ross Packingham intends to use this landslide victory as a clear mandate to bring his Buddhism-influenced beat poetry to Kafein’s stage, supported by Brother Jürgen and Eleanor Kinkervoss on the bongos while Evander Jones attacks the chastity belt around his waist with a chain saw. Sadly, it will only the fourth-most heinous act on stage at that week’s open mic.

Best Place to Get Intoxicated in Public
With 27% of the vote, the winner was: Cozy Noodles. Among the many notable write-ins were: “Barnes and Noble,” “10am MENU class,” and “sidewalk.”

Best A Cappella Group
With 26% of the vote, the winner was: There is no such thing as a good a cappella group. A ruefully valid statement indeed.

Best Movie of 2011
With 29% of the vote, the winner was: Harry Potter 7.2. Notable write-ins include Twilight: Breaking Hymen and Pippa Middleton, both of which feature Morty Schapiro and Kate Upton in starring roles.

Best TV Show of 2011
With 17% of the vote, the winner was: How I Met Your Mother. Apparently people identify with drunken assholes frittering away the golden years of their lives chasing after unsatisfactory one-night stands. Far and away, the most heinous write-in was: “Is The Hills still on? I pick The Hills.”

Please Describe Morty Schapiro in 10 Words or Less
This one was actually too much for us to emotionally process. Top answer: “Why limit it to fewer words than his penis length?” Maybe once Ross Packingham’s poetry career takes off, maybe he’ll compose a sonnet using only these responses and youtube video comments.

What’s Up the Evanston City Council’s Ass?
With 35% of the vote, the winner was: a 14-inch dildo made of molten gummy bears. If that’s not already true, it can certainly be arranged.

Ever wonder how I got the name "Packingham?"

What is your Gender?
With 58% of the vote, the winner was: Female. AWWWWWW YEAHHHHHH!!!! Hey ladies, how’d you like to spend the night with the fourth-most popular Northwestern-centric blog? No?** Haaaaaaave you met Manua?

What Brings You to Sherman Ave?
With a staggering 70% of the vote, the winner was: Facebook. Needless to say, notable write-ins included “Pippa Middleton” and “all of your fucking Facebook posts.”

In conclusion, a huge thank you goes out to everyone who took this poll. We couldn’t do it without you. We hope that you were pleased with our unnecessary heinousness in 2011, and we will do everything in our power to take it to the next level in 2012. Most importantly, we’re comforted to see in the responses that the people who read Sherman Ave are just about as fucked up as the people who write for it.

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*Allowing for a standard error of approximately 69%.
**Fun Fact: The first time Sherman Ave was ever used as a potential pickup line occurred in line for the bathroom at an off-campus party. It was not successful.