Tag Archives: sophomore

Fun-Sucking Sophomore Finally Understands Significance of Jingling Keys at Football Games

20 Oct
Hey, this future consultant's Mercedes isn't going to park itself.

It doesn’t help that 95% of these keys are for Mercedes.

EVANSTON–After falling prey to the mob mentality of the barbaric unsportsmanlike conduct of her fellow Wildcats at a year’s worth of Football games, Psychology and Sociology double-major Kelsey Andrews was appalled to finally discover why Northwestern fans jingle their keys at opposing teams.Following Northwestern’s desperate fourth quarter drive that only prolonged the inevitable bone-chilling realization of a disappointing season touchdown in yesterday’s Minnesota game, Andrews was informed that the jingling of students’ keys is meant to imply that the other school’s students would one day be valeting the cars of Northwestern graduates.

“It’s just offensive. My mom went to Iowa State and she’s a pediatrician!”

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“I Only Have One Final,” Reports Dickhead

5 Jun
At least he has more time to focus on rushing Sig Nu.

At least he has more time to focus on rushing Sig Nu.

EVANSTON, Ill. – In a press conference this morning, some total dickhead announced to everyone that he only has one final this quarter.

“Yeah, it’s honestly really nice,” said the absolute douchesicle.  “Everyone else is really stressed, and I’m just sitting here chilling.  I just have one final next week, and it’s only on material from weeks 9 and 10.  How’s your finals week going?”

The Anusmelon’s announcement has been met with substantial public outcry, especially among Northwestern’s virgin engineer population.  In addition to organizing a march down Sheridan Road this afternoon to show solidarity for how much they despite this piece of human dogshit, the McCormick School of Engineering has planned a candlelight vigil for this evening to honor the gruesome death of fairness.

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Instagram Enthusiast Shocked To Discover 1977 Also A Year

4 Jun

1977 was weird.

DUBLIN, Ohio – Local 10th grader and frequent Instagram user Olivia Butterfield expressed genuine surprise in her history class this morning when her teacher referenced 1977 as a year in which numerous important historical events occurred, sources report.

“She said that Carter was inaugurated in 1977, and I was like, are you kidding?” said Butterfield.  “The Sutro filter would make much more sense for a historical event like that.  Maybe even an Inkwell, though that would be a much riskier choice.”

When her history teacher, 29-year-old Ohio native John Pinkerton,explained to Continue reading