And a cover band. No joke, a goddamn Kellogg cover band.
EVANSTON — During an impromptu sporcle and boxed wine session Friday night in Willard Hall, freshmen Kurt Friedman and Alec Blomquist decided to search for the supposed kegs brought in on Fridays to the Kellogg building for graduate students.
They heard rumors of the kegs from a sophomore in Plex who stated, “There’s probably, like, 6 goddamn kegs up there. Hell, maybe even some drunk grad students there ready to scrump.”
Can’t tell if she is stressed about finals or just got fingered by Wolverine.
Okay, this has gone far enough.
You can ask anyone I know, I am a man of my word. When I lose a bet to my friends, I pay up. When I promise my older step-brother that I’ll do his chores if he would please just finally tell me what a dingleberry is, I do his chores. And I recognize that you and I made a pact a few months ago. I told you that I would write you, and Mephistopheles was there, and then we went on this crazy flying journey; it was eerily like the story of Faust.
Being that I am a man of my word, I will do as I have promised. I will go to the University Library, check out a bunch of giant books with frayed covers, and leaf through them to find keywords and phrases that will assist me in writing you in the most bullshit-heavy manner possible. But not before I give you a piece of mind. So here goes.
LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT HOW FUCKING ADORABLE IT IS!!!
This list is for those of us like TV too much, but need a quick video in between that Orgo class and your accelerated intermediate Spanish course. Seriously, why did you take Spanish 125? Anyway, that’s where Youtube comes in: your internet salvation from boredom! Here’s a list of some not-all-that-mainstream channels that I promise will entertain you. And if they don’t, you can get fucked like Iowa.
1. Jessie Jay
She’s a new vlogger on the scene with only a couple of weeks under her belt, but her humor is getting much much better and she offers a different style than a lot of the mainstream youtube comedians/-ennes out there. She’s a fun girl from Brooklyn, just out of her undergrad. This is what every Comm Studies majors’ lives will look like in 5 years if they specialize in “New Media.”
2. CiaranObrien89 / FunnyCatVideos
This guy is probably the most awkward person I have ever seen in a Youtube video and it makes him awesome. He’s a personal friend of Charlieissocoollike, who is a pretty established British vlogger. Ciaran’s style is awkward-funny, and though he has less than 5 videos, he’s got comedy gold, and he’s sure to upload more. Basically he’s just everyone in Plex.
3. MattMattMaryMary
Matt and Mary are a couple from Brooklyn who write sketch comedy, usually with Mary playing the part of a mannerless and uncouth crazy. They also have a low video count, considering they have other lives and their filming isn’t vlog-style (meaning little improv). They’d be NSTV meets that freshman from your history discussion section that whispers under her breath that Sporcle was wrong when she mixed up Macedonia and Malta.
4. Shep689
Shep689 is Will Shepherd, though by extension, his boyfriend RJ Aguiar and their roommate Kasey. Though Will started out doing regular vlogs, he started vlogging every single day of 2012 on Jan. 1st. Though not necessarily funny all the time, Shep689 (in conjunction with their site notadamandsteve.com) strive to show that LGBTQ couples are just as normal as hetero couples and deserve the same rights as others. Also Will is a raging nerd (Zelda, Pokemon, Harry Potter). They’d be rainbow alliance and the quidditch club. (Duh)
5. TimWillDestroyYou
Tim Helbig is the younger brother of Grace Helbig of DailyGrace fame. He had an awkward and rocky start to the vlogging world, and some mocked him for leeching off his sister’s fame. However, Tim has come into his own and is starting to establish his own style of humor which is usually awkward and strange. Also he has a teddy bear named Pooky that hates him. If Grace is Willard, Tim is totally Chapin.
6. TeaPartyReport
Susie Sampson heads the Tea Party Report, a mock reporting and street-pollster channel that uses the guise of a conservative viewpoint to deride Romney supporters. She’s obsessed with Stephen Colbert and totally doesn’t get caught every time she blatantly ridicules a fat WASPy man on a Midwestern street. She’s clearly Sir T-Worth, amirite?
7. Vihart
Vi Hart is a self-proclaimed “mathemusician.” Her videos are all educational, but strangely entertaining and fascinating and revolve around recreational mathematics. Honestly, it’s just the nerd in me that likes her. I can’t help myself. She’s anyone that has ever been inside of Lunt ever. EVER.
8. YouDeserveADrink
Mamrie Hart stars in YDAD, which is a pun-filled, built-in drinking game and instructional video on how best to get yourself shitfaced. Grace Helbig edits and shoots it in her apartment in Brooklyn and together they make heinously inappropriate references to ovaries and shitting. They’re probably Sherman Ave if we’re honest.
9. KoreanMommySays
Though finished now, Korean Mommy Says, starred and directed by Vicky Toro of Comediva, was an advice series by a stereotypical Korean mother. Pretty sure this can only be KASA.
10. Coffeychat
Because we needed ANOTHER FUCKING BROOKLYN VLOGGER, MyDamnChannel brought to Youtube Shannon Coffey, a young and new comedienne that gives outrageous and impractical advice and how-to videos. She’s probably more hipster than anyone that says they’re a hipster on campus, which makes her nobody at Northwestern. Or maybe that group of kids that all smoke weed off of Ridge and Davis and you can’t tell whether they’re a theatre or Perf studies or RTVF major. Or they could be HDPS. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
ALSO, Follow Sherman Ave on Youtube by subscribing to LiveAtTheAve! What we lack in copyrights we make up for in heinous!
Well camouflaged into the surrounding sorority habitat.
Residential Colleges at Northwestern are designed to enrich the intellectual, cultural, and social lives of their students by extending the learning environment from the classroom to extracurricular life. Essentially, a res college is a dorm filled with like-minded nerds and future friends you’ll spend the next couple of years drinking, arguing, and (for the truly venturous souls) hooking upwith.
Laurel wreaths optional.
Playlist
There shall be a playlist composed specifically for the purpose of this game. It must include no less than eight (8) songs by Adele, five (5) songs by Rihanna, three (3) Outkast singles, and at least seven (7) songs that topped the charts before the last U.S. military intervention in Latin America.
Game Pieces
PROCEDURE
Opening Ceremonies
Each team will be randomly assigned a country well beforehand. The team must don the colors and/or flag of that nation, obnoxiously blast that nation’s national anthem, and list their nation’s grievances against the United States in chronological order and/or list the top ten STDs contracted by their nation’s citizens, in decreasing order of prevalence. The game shall begin with a ceremonial shot of said shitty alcohol, taken by each player. The shot must go unchased. Each team also has the opportunity to parade its team flag, if they are unreasonably heinous enough to design one.
THE GAMES
1. Bubble Spinner
A pitcher of mixed drink must be made and poured into a shot glass for each player partaking. Each team will nominate one player to serve as its Bubble Spinner delegate. The two opposing delegates will engage in a match of Bubble Spinner. Each time a player advances a level, each player of the opposing team must drink a shot of the aforementioned mixed drink. When a team loses, each player on said team must drink a shot of the mixed drink. The winning team will be awarded ten (10) points.
2. Sorry!
Each player will pour themselves a cup of mixed drink. Each team will control one (1) team on the Sorry! board. Players must take one drink whenever:
Following the Greek tradition of mental and physical excellence (nudity optional)
After the game has been won, everyone on the losing team must drink. The winning team will be awarded ten (10) points.
3. AP US History
Each player will be paired up with a player on the opposite team. Each player will quiz the player on the other team with fifteen (15) cards. The player must drink each time he/she misses a question. After all is done, the teams will tally the aggregate number of questions missed, and the team with fewer questions missed wins. If there is a tie, the game must be played again, in its entirety, until the tie is settled. The losing team must all drink, and the winning team will be awarded five (5) points for each question by which they’ve beat the opponent.
4. Battleship
Each team will take a side in Battleship. For each miss, one person on the missing team must drink (this person may, and should, change throughout the game). For each hit, one person on the hit team must drink (same goes). At the end of the game, everyone on the losing team must drink. The winning team will be awarded five (5) points for each grid-space by which they’ve beat the opponent.
5. Sporcle
Each player will be paired up with a player on the opposite team. Each opposing pair will randomly select a Sporcle quiz. The losing team of each quiz will have to distribute drinks however they choose among their team; one drink for each point by which they’ve been defeated. After all player pairs have gone, the team with the most aggregate points will win. The losing team drinks, the winning team will be awarded fifteen (15) points for each Sporcle quiz won.
HALFTIME
Each player must shotgun a beer. If a player abstains from shotgunning, his/her team will be penalized ten (10) points.
Uncle Sam wants you!
7. Flip Cup
The two teams will play a best of five (5) tournament of flip cup. The winning team will be awarded twenty (20) points. If a team wins in four (4) games, they will be awarded twenty-five (25) points, and if a team wins in three (3) games, they will be awarded thirty (30) points. Throughout the competition, the two teams must debate each other regarding one of four potential topics: partial-birth abortion, affirmative action, the causes and consequences of the Arab Spring, or the sexual capacity of President Morty Schapiro.
8. Facebook
Each team will nominate a delegate to compete in Facebook. Players will be awarded points for the following:
9. Kings
All players must partake in one (1) game of Kings. Whichever teams breaks the circle will be penalized fifteen (15) points. Whichever team opens the beer can must go up to the roof and try to hit a Northwestern landmark with a golf ball using a three (3) iron. The team whose delegate successfully strikes the landmark will be awarded fifteen (15) points, but a failure to hit the landmark will result in a five (5) point deduction.
Bonus points for disappointing your parents
CLOSING CEREMONIES
At this point, the score must be totaled. The losing team will have a chance to come back and gain one hundred (100) points, if they can complete the 100-piece puzzle in the amount of time it takes the winning team to walk to BK, eat something (documentation required), and return. If the losing team completes the puzzle by the time the winning team returns, the losing team will be awarded one hundred (100) points.
If, somehow, the teams have equal points at the end of all ten events, each player must take one shot after toasting “All men are created equal.” All players will then proceed to skinny dip in Lake Michigan.
–Ross Packingham (with Evander Jones)
I know what you’re thinking. “Aren’t you only supposed to violently scrutinize one country, not an entire region of the globe?” So before I embark on my xenophobic hate journey, allow me to succinctly answer your question: No.
Now, without further ado, let’s get this slander ball rolling. In rather uncharacteristic fashion, I have organized this rant into an enumerated series of grievances against that pathetic excuse of a geographic region known as the Caribbean Sea.
The Gulf Coast is also great for tourism, assuming you want to light yourself on fire while scuba diving
Grievance 1: The Gulf of Mexico
Remember that scene in the Lion King in which Mufasa explains to Simba that everything the light touches is his kingdom?* Well, the same goes for The Gulf of Mexico, it’s just different in that everything it touches is unbelievably heinous. Allow me to elaborate on this disgusting area that kind of qualifies as the Caribbean Sea.
New lexical creations to describe current events and occurrences at Northwestern? Why, of course!
Hot Cookie Bar beats writing that thesis on the Roberts Court any day of the week.
Procrastin-eating
If you’ve ever sat down to finish a problem set, and instead played Sporcle until Allison opened at 4:45, you’re procrastin-eating. If you’ve ever found yourself entirely focused on your bag of vending-machine Salsitas that you weren’t hungry for until you saw the vast white expanse of Microsoft Word that you must magically transform into The A+ Paper That Will Save Your Grade, you’re procrastin-eating. When you don’t know the answer, don’t want to figure it out, and it’s snacktime, you’re procrastin-eating. My name is Eleanor Kinkervoss and I am a procrastin-eater.
I may be a tad bit biased, but Ohio is a pretty badass state. We fuck up pretty much every Presidential Election. We can’t make decisions on anything from street cars to abortion. We are some waffling motherfuckers, and I’m not talking about McGriddles. Besides being a political asshole, here are some other reasons you should bow down and worship my state of conception/birth/childhood.
The beautiful metropolis of Cleveland
2. Subpar athletics.
I may not be an expert when it comes to sports. I didn’t vehemently protest the NBA lockout, I do not worship Tebow born from the Virgin Mother, nor do I have any vague inkling as to what Royal Shrovetide Football is really all about. However, I do know one thing: If the Cincinnati Bengals were running in the Republican primaries, they would rank somewhere above Michelle Bachmann and somewhat below Stephen Colbert. They may suck at football and politics, but the Bengals have quite a record off the field. Since 2000, the team has a combined criminal record of 30 arrests, 8 DUIs, and 1 charge of “boating under the influence.”** I’m not really sure how this makes Ohio awesomely badass, but it does.
3. Larger than life Presidents.
We produced President William Howard Taft, the man who couldn’t fit in a normal bathtub. In fact, a bathtub fit for four men was installed in the White House just for him. I bet VP James Sherman had a pretty good time in there, seeing as he was a normal sized man. (That leaves room for three more people, for those of you who are still in Math 110).
O-hi-OH!!!!
5. Badass motherfuckers in office.
Jerry Springer, host of The Jerry Springer Show, served on Cincinnati’s city council for three years, before resigning when Jerry’s favorite hang-out was revealed: a Kentucky “massage parlor.”*** But it only gets better: he paid his “masseuse” with a city check. It doesn’t get much classier than that. He was then elected the mayor of Cincinnati from 1977-1978. We obviously know how to choose effective leaders.
6. In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk.****
Need I say more?
7. Where art thou, Ohio?
There actually aren’t many NU students from Ohio. There should certainly be more Amish, chili-loving, politically frustrated, Midwesterners up in Northwestern’s business. However, this makes for some great feedback. Apparently, Californians have no fucking clue where Ohio is. My roommate thought it was near Iowa and her friend could swear she thought it was south of Illinois. I guess they don’t teach Geography in the Bay Area. As a loyal Ohioan and a college student with half my brain still intact despite raging alcoholism and mind numbing, drug-induced Sporcle competitions, I know exactly where Ohio is: right between New Mexico and Arizona. Right?
8. Home of Skyline Chili.
Although none of you Northside Prep trust-fund babies or LTHS fanboys have heard of Skyline, enlighten yourselves. Cincinnati’s definition of chili: chocolate (yes, chocolate) ground beef soup poured over spaghetti noodles and topped with neon yellow, synthesized, shredded cheddar cheese. Mouth-o-meter: fucking delicious.
9. Hipsterz.
Searching for the inner-sanctum of hipsterism? Look no further. Clifton, a small neighborhood on the outskirts of downtown Cincinnati, is a hub of culture and excitement. 98% of Clifton residents are Democrat, making us some badass, Obama loving hippies. 98% of us also love Indian food. Why? There are 7 locally owned Indian restaurants in Clifton. Step outside my house and take a good whiff of Saag Paneer and Chicken Curry. Yum. You can always find a homeless town troubadour belting out his love life with the aid of his trusty accordion. Besides musicians, we are also home to many other badass personalities, such as the mysterious bag man who, although he appears to be homeless, goes to the grocery store every day and picks up 3 lemons, a loaf of bread, and a bag of kitty litter. Meth lab, anyone? There is also the penguin man who yells at cars going over 25, the local business owners who all seem to be tangled in a Romeo and Juliet-esque love affair, and my personal favorite, the middle school drug dealers who hang out at the shelter in Burnet Woods after school. (Whoops, did I just blow your cover?)
Take a trip back in time
Needless to say, Ohio is a badass state. If this article has convinced you to pack up your Illinois life (or wherever the fuck you’re from) and move to Ohio, call my step dad. He’s a realtor.
——————————————————————————————————————————
*Sporcle. Yeah, I did it. I used Sporcle as a source. Try to censor that, PIPA.
**NKY Sports World
***Massage parlor = brothel
****Twitter
Want to know how to make yourself look slightly ignorant? Here are several ideas you may insert into one of many orifices you find difficult to clean in the shower.
“I really hate the taste of aspartame.”
No, you hate the thought of aspartame. Your body is wired to like sweet things, but your mind knows that you are consuming Franken-sugar. In the immortal words of Very Mary-Kate: “You know how you can’t eat meat anymore once you know where meat comes from?” That’s you, Ms. “I Won’t Eat It If It’s Not Organic, Leafy, And Hasn’t Touched An Animal With A 39½ Foot Pole.” Congrats on your mental victory; I’m slightly jealous and mostly derisive.
Special mention to anyone who says they hate chocolate without a valid excuse. You’re either lying or there’s something wrong with you.
Dawg, Mozart's "Requiem" is my jam
The finding had nothing to do with Mozart; scientists have reproduced this study with other music. The finding was because Groups 1 and 2 weren’t bored as hell listening to rainforest noises or their own borborygmi for a period of time in which they could’ve Sporcled every 90’s song ever written at least three times. It was a temporary effect on a specific type of reasoning and it wasn’t caused by Mozart. But listening to music before you start your next 2,000,000-piece puzzle may help you for ten minutes afterwards.* Now put down the Baby Mozart tapes, they’re not going to give your kid a Flowers-For-Algernon IQ boost. C’mon, we all know that most of us Bienen kids can’t count past four. But you should still check out Schubert.
“I’m so fat.”
Unlike the rest of this list, this one could be true. But regardless of the statement’s verity, rarely does the speaker believe it. No further explanation, y’all know what I mean. I have a secret fantasy of giving a silent staredown to every kumquat of every size that ever regales me with this phrase. I will watch their faces as they realize I refuse to bite on their compliment-fishing line. Unfortunately, having a guilt complex blows.
“Girls don’t fart.”
Welcome to 2012, where vaginas don’t preclude one from anal salutations. Ellie K can flatulate with the best of you bean-gobbling fools.
“I’m fuckin’ awesome.”
If I didn’t notice, you shouldn’t have to tell me.
She's not wearing anything under that... thing
First off, raise your hand if you possess a penis and give a flying fuck about fashion. It’s normal to ask yourself in the morning if you look like you might smell. But fashion extremists feel a level of consternation at the question of whether it’s still “in” to leave open the bottom button of your blazer. Now, if your hand is in the air, you’re either in the minority or in the process of dancing.
And now ladies (and gay men), when have you ever gotten dressed in the morning with the burning desire that an attractive manly man will seize you in a frenzied passion after noticing that you’ve matched your hat to your belt buckle? Yeah, me neither. Most men don’t give a damn if you’re wearing Lilly Pulitzer or pajama bottoms or a pillowcase with sequins if you’re their type and DTF. If fashion and sex are related, they are third cousins twice removed. Case closed.
“The Sodomites in the Bible were punished because they were gay.”
Not exactly. Summary of the story:
According to the Bible, Sodom and Gomorrah were two cities known for being full of motherfuckers. Not the kind you find in New York — we’re talking rape in the name of shits n’ giggles. In Sodom, it was illegal to help strangers, which pretty much goes against everything that real, love-thy-neighbor Christians believe. So God sent some angels to walk around town, and a man named Lot, being the generous guy he was, offered them his home so they didn’t have to sleep outside in the dangerous city. The Sour Motherfuckers in the city got wind that there were strangers in town, surrounded Lot’s house, and told Lot to send them out so they could rape them.** That is agreed upon in two separate passages of the Bible. The Sodomites’ sin, according to Everything About Sodom In The Bible, wasn’t homosexuality, it was a lack of goodwill towards strangers. Does anyone see the irony in the citation of these passages by those hoping to exclude gays from everything under the sun?
“Sherman Avenue isn’t heinous.”
I will see to it that you die painfully, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction.
Because, see, I can do that.
“The heinous behind us and the heinous before us are tiny matters compared to the heinous within us” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
——————————————————————————————————————————
*Warning: You should not rely on a Mozart-induced spatio-temporal IQ burst to save you from a two million piece puzzle.
**There’s a bit where Lot’s like, “You could rape my virgin daughter or my concubine instead of these dudes I just met, because apparently it’s okay not to respect women, my family, or women in my family.” Conflicting accounts in Judges and Genesis then say that either the Sodomites raped the hell out of his poor concubine, or the angels in the house blinded the offending Sodomites before anyone got raped and warned Lot to skip town.
This cupcake symbolizes the defeat of teenage pregnancy
Now, I’d like to think that I fit into the 20-something club quite nicely. I publish self-indulgent blog posts, live in dire fear of missing a party, and am woefully unemployed. I vote Democrat and laugh at the word “clitoromegaly.” I buy records on vinyl, wear flannel, and spend an obscene proportion of my income at either BK or EV1, which suits me just fine. I fervently and irrationally believe that Steve Kerr was one of the most important guards in NBA history, and will be a drain on society in general for the next five years or so. Needless to say, I play a good deal of Sporcle and Civilization IV.
This 20-something is a Starbucks barista and staff writer for Thought Catalog
1. Beyoncé’s Unborn Baby
That fetus was still only 5 months old when it garnered 8,868 tweets a minute at the MTV Music Video Awards. To be honest, the only time I can ever hope to gain that much recognition in social media is if Ross Packingham mentions me in one of his status updates. The progeny of Ms. Knowles and Mr. Z will almost certainly emerge from the womb with more talent, beauty, and hedge fund investments than five generations of Rees’ will be able to amass. If this kid doesn’t have a hit single by the time she’s 7, Amy Winehouse will turn over in her grave.
Jesus getting hammered, like a proper 20-something
3. Harry Potter
Defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Check. Graduate school? Check. Bang a butterface ginger? Check. The kid did it all, which is even more impressive considering that he never once succumbed to the distraction of working alongside Emma Watson.
I'm going to grow up to do WHAT???
5. Koko the Gorilla
It took me nearly two years to master elementary Spanish, but this adorable ape mastered American Sign Language and English in a few short years. She also had a kitten, and apparently assaulted more women than Herman Cain, both of which prove her superiority to me.
Morty as a child
7. Macaulay Culkin
This kid was uglier than what I imagine Steve Buscemi to have looked like as a child, and yet he was still fucking boss. Not only did he single-handedly defeat Joe Pesci in the highest grossing comedy of all time, he also got to live the life of the richest boy in the world as the son of the founder of Rich Industries. The icing on the cake: Mila Kunis.
She also accomplished scaring the living shit out of me as a child
9. Willow Smith
This video has over 64 million views. The most popular video I ever starred in was of me doing the “Single Ladies” dance in my senior year econ class. Either there’s something wrong with America, or I just got my ass handed to me by a 10-year-old. Or both.
He also managed to get arrested before me.
11. Jane Austen
The woman had written most of Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice before she turned 20. Not that I really care about the morals, scandals, and marriages of the early 19th Century landed gentry of England, but I’d just about die if Colin Firth ever portrayed one of my characters. Just saying, he’d make a great Sir Edward Twattingworth III.
12. Peter the Great
Dude was 10 when he became Tsar. During his reign he transformed Russia from a freezing, backward, and destitute rural society into a 5,000,000-square-mile freezing, backward, and destitute society. All while suffering from epilepsy.
Despite a lack of physical presence, he still dominated in the paint.
14. Lindsay Lohan
Herbie: Fully Loaded aside, The Parent Trap, Freaky Friday, and Mean Girls are some of the greatest acting performances I’ve seen in my lifetime. I’m pretty sure most guys my age have harbored a life-long crush on her ever since she valiantly challenged herself to a fencing match.
15. Michelangelo
Probably one of the best artists in Florence by the age of 14. No big deal.
16. Eliàn Gonzàlez
Not only did Gonzàlez cross from Cuba into American waters in an aluminum boat with a faulty motor, he also survived a sea storm while floating on nothing more than an inner tube. He also accomplished more in politics than any MTV Rock the Vote campaign ever has, quite possibly costing Al Gore the 2000 presidential election.
17. Madeline
The girl got her appendix removed and acted like it was no big deal. She also survived a fall off a bridge into the Seine River and ran away to join a group of traveling gypsies before she learned long division. That’s all there is; there isn’t any more.
18. Beethoven
Sure, as a child his father made young Ludwig stand at they keyboard until he cried. But it all worked out, right? He was seven at the time of his first public performance, and was publishing original compositions before most kids his age had mastered the art of five-paragraph essays.
Adorable
Honorable Mentions:
Adele, Kain Colter, Sasha Obama, George Harrison, LeBron James, Achilles, and Charlie Young.
Sherman Ave 