Northwestern Bicyclists Protest Wider Sidewalks, Claim It Will Make Their Game “Heart Attack” Too Difficult

With spring in the air Northwestern has begun to seriously consider widening the now crowded sidewalks.  However, the initiative has been met with opposition.  This weekend, over a hundred Northwestern bicyclists appeared outside Norris to protest the proposal.  The organizer of the protest, Victor Elmsworth, had this to say, “I admit we’re a bit spoiled here at NU.  For years we have made Sheridan sidewalks one of the most infamous arenas to play ‘Heart Attack.’ If the school widens our sidewalks, it will be almost impossible to get even ten points a week!”

The point system, of course referring the official “Heart Attack” scoring scale, consists of several opportunities to acquire points.  For example, riding up to a defenseless student and locking the brakes just before contact will be awarded two points.  If you splinter off the sidewalk and manage to narrowly cut someone off upon re-entry, you are awarded three. And finally, if you just run the son of a bitch over, you are awarded five.

The leading scorer, Tanner Worthington, also expressed displeasure

College Student Discovers Deodorant Not Substitute for Shower

EVANSTON, Il. — With temperatures finally rising and spring in Evanston approaching normalcy, sources report that McCormick Sophomore Eric Lehman has realized that putting on deodorant does not substitute for taking a shower.

The trend of not showering began when Lehman woke up at 11:50 AM for his 12:00 PM discussion section on Thursday. He reportedly spent the night dancing by himself at The Deuce on Wednesday, sweating profusely. Afraid of missing class, Lehman less-than-generously applied Speed Stick to his armpits and left his dorm. An intense ultimate frisbee practice in the hot sun followed his discussion section, which, Lehman noted while the odor under his shirt began to ferment like a bag of expired Franzia under a solar lamp, “takes away from time to shower.”

Lehman proceeded to

12 Brutally Honest Responses to Give to an Acquaintance Who Asks You “How’s It Going?”

It’s spring bitches! Warm weather is here now and people are starting to interact outside again. Anonymity is a thing of the past; no longer can you trudge up Sheridan in your puffy coat and blanket-sized scarf, blending in with the rest of the amorphous blobs in backpacks.

The newfound warmth is fantastic, but it definitely comes with some baggage. For instance, when you’re walking into the wind, your t-shirt might cling to your stomach and reveal the small gut that you weren’t so motivated to work off in the winter. If you’re a girl, maybe you have to shave your legs more often than you did in those cold winter months. The worst side-effect of the nice weather, by far, is that people will be able to recognize you and they will be more prone to try to engage you in a social manner.

Inevitably, you’ll make eye contact with a loose acquaintance at some point when you’re walking to class or hanging out at the Lakefill. Because you go to Northwestern, both of you will probably be awkward as fuck and not know what to do. However, if you’re extremely unlucky, your acquaintance might try to be normal and wave to you or ask you “what’s up?” or “how’s it going?”  This would be a nightmare, because

A Loud, Incoherent Review of The Raid 2 (Spring’s Manliest Movie)

THE RAID 2 BY GARETH EVANS IS THE BEST MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN SINCE I FOUND THE SEX TAPES THAT MY MOM MADE WITH PEOPLE THAT AREN’T MY DAD.   WATCHING THE RAID 2 IS LIKE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS, CONSTANTLY, IN AN EMPTY ROOM, UNTIL YOU DIE. AT TIMES, WATCHING THE RAID 2 IS LIKE DRIVING A NEW MERCEDES BENZ STRAIGHT AT A BRICK WALL AT 120 MILES PER HOUR, SURVIVING, AND DOING IT AGAIN AS SOON AS YOU GET OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. MOST OF THE TIME HOWEVER, WATCHING THE RAID 2 IS LIKE

NU Researchers Discover Strange New Object in the Sky

A rough sketch of the object, which researches have called “baffling.”

EVANSTON, Il. – Researchers at Northwestern University have discovered an unfamiliar mass which appears to have been discreetly orbiting Evanston for the past week. With the help of Dearborn Observatory’s historic refracting telescope, local astronomers studying the “luminous yellow sphere” have noted that it is unlike anything that has been seen in recent memory, and that very little is known about its nature and purpose.

In an effort to better understand the strange presence’s impact on local residents, Northwestern’s psychology and physics departments have launched a collaborative effort to measure the odd affective and behavioral changes correlated with the object’s appearance.

“During the hours in which the sphere was visible, we observed over 36 smiles and 68 instances of eye contact on Sheridan Road,” reports NU professor Renee Engeln-Maddox. “We haven’t seen that many since

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Spring Quarter

(via northwesternu.tumblr.com)

Congratulations! You’ve survived what appeared to be one of the worst quarters in NU’s history. Whether the weather got you down or you simply just screwed up every single one of your classes, it’s time to pretend it never happened and get ready for spring…FINALLY. Yay warm weather! Getting in shape! Boosting your GPA! Haha…not. While spring quarter is definitely better than winter, chances are people have totally over-exaggerated its perks, and you’re probably way more optimistic about it than you should be. But no worries, we at Sherman Ave are here to get your head out of your ass with our guide to spring quarter reality check.

Spring Quarter Resolutions

This Northwestern student legitimately thought that grass was a myth created by the administration. (via mindbodygreen.com)

Winter Quarter makes you a bad person. There’s no way to fight it. It will inevitably bring out literally every single shitty aspect of yourself that you so desperately try to cover with layers of puffy clothing. So you 

APPLY TO BE A WRITER FOR SHERMAN AVE!!! (Spring 2014 Remix Edition)

Hey reader. How’s it going? Well? That’s good.

Isn’t it nice that spring is here? The snow is melting; the sun is beginning to shine; and warmer, brighter, and more pleasant temperatures are on the way. In general, it is a time when everything seems better and more promising.

If you’re the kind of person who detracts from such happiness and joy, then you should apply to be a writer for Sherman Ave!

That’s right, boys and girls; we’re looking for a brand new (rotting) crop of the most atrocious, immoral, and all-around heinous scribes and scribettes that we can find. And there’s a chance that YOU could be in that crop! Isn’t that exciting? ANSWER YES IT’S EXCITING IT’S VERY EXCITING.

So how do you apply? First, download the Sherman Ave application here. (Or here. Or here.) Fill that fucker out the bestest you can, and then submit it electronically to shermanave1@gmail.com no later than 11:59 PM on Friday, April 11th. If we think you’d be a good fit, you will be invited to an individual, in-person interview. The interview will take place at some point during the day on Friday, April 18th. If we REALLY REALLY like you, you will then be selected to participate in a super-special group interview, which will take place the following day: Saturday, April 19th.

A few things to keep in mind: Contrary to popular belief, you do NOT have to be a Northwestern student to write for Sherman Ave. We love everybody in the entire world equally, and if you’re funny, we’d be psyched to have you.

Also, make sure to BE YOURSELF on your application!!!! In all seriousness, we can’t stress this enough: write in your own, personal voice. We want to hear you, and what you think is funny, not what you think a Sherman Ave writer should sound like. If you only want to make jokes about the War of 1812, then go for it. Just stay true to who YOU think you are as a writer.

Tl;dr: Apply for Sherman Ave!!! HERE’S THE LINK TO THE APPLICATION AGAIN.

Have a heinous, heinous day.

Northwestern Student Not Sure What Jacket to Wear

EVANSTON, IL – As the temperatures finally increased above freezing, Northwestern students were faced with a new set of anxieties.

Sidewalks became moats as the 2 feet of snow from the heinous nightmare of a 5 month winter finally started to melt, allergies began to spread, and worst of all, the decision of what jacket to wear became increasingly difficult.

Weinberg Sophomore Ethan Hall spent 15 minutes alternating between

Northwestern Archaeology Department Discovers Long-Forgotten Sidewalk

12:25 p.m. CST, February 18, 2014

Where does the sidewalk end?!

EVANSTON, IL—Northwestern University’s Archaeology department began a new excavation today on campus, unearthing a sidewalk that was previously believed to have been long lost.

Rumors of a sidewalk running from Kresge to Norris had been circulating, but until today, it was thought to be only a myth, much like the Frostbite Express.  Sources involved in the excavation claimed that the discovery was largely in part due to