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Tag Archives: starbucks

An Interpretation of a Northwestern Tour

3 Mar
(via Northwestern)

Remember green things?  (via Northwestern)

SCENE: Northwestern University’s Campus. An unexpected blizzard is beginning to pick up force. Temperatures hover in the single digits. A Northwestern tour group leaves the tour guide building and heads north to take in the sights.

Tour Guide: The weather usually isn’t like this, I promise!

Interpretation: Yeah, usually it’s a lot worse. Notice how you’re able to expose parts of your flesh to the air? It’s almost NEVER nice enough to do that! You guys lucked out!

Tour Guide: We’ll have to go down this path right here, since university construction crews are working on improving and beautifying our campus on all the other paths, and they’re currently closed. But soon Northwestern will be even better! Exciting things in the works!

Interpretation: Continue reading

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25 Things To Do At Starbucks Besides Ordering Coffee

1 Nov
  1. Browse the CDs for sale and contemplate how far Fiona Apple has fallen.

    Fuck with the baristas. Fiona would want it that way.

  2. Consider who actually even buys CDs anymore.

  3. Pretend to be foreign and convinced that Starbucks is, in fact, a bank.  Become angry when they will not allow you to make a withdrawal.

  4. Nap. Continue reading

27 Reasons Why You Just Can’t Write that Paper Right Now

22 Oct

1. You were trying to go to the library but it took too goddamn long to cross Sheridan.

2. The government was shut down.

3. You were looking for the crepe place in Norris.

4. You got impaled by a biker so now you lie bleeding.

5. You were writing a strongly worded letter to your local congressman.

Continue reading

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Norris University Center

26 Aug
Bonus: Norris can double as a Soviet bunker circa 1977!

Bonus: Norris can double as a Soviet bunker circa 1977!

Rumor has it that Northwestern is full of nerds, but I bet you’re thinking that the class of 2017 is gonna be different. “We’ll socialize!” you say, “We’ll never set foot in the library!”, “We’ll skip office hours to go to impromptu jam sessions on the lakefill!”

Ah, how grand it is to be young and naive. I bet you also think that, during all of your so-called ‘free time,’ you’ll spend hours laughing and being merry with friends in the student union, pausing from your leisure only to accept a beer from your waiter, or to play with one of the freely roaming puppies.

I’m here to burst your bubble and tell you that Norris is nothing like the heavenly place you have been dreaming about.

Continue reading

How to Feed Yourself and Your Unpaid Internship

25 Jun

There’s nothing like the sweet flavor of an unpaid internship.

Seriously. There literally is nothing like that. Unpaid internships taste like shit, because most internships boil down to three-plus months of ass kissing and there’$ nothing to $weeten the deal.

Plus, you’re starving. Because when you’re in New York, San Francisco or any other city where each square foot of rent costs the sum total of Dolly Parton’s plastic surgeries, do you have the cash to spare for sustenance?

$ign$ point to n0.

Continue reading

Norbucks Employees Go On Strike Due to Hostile Finals Week Environment

12 Jun

Pictured: Starbucks barista, shortly before leaving because she “can’t handle this shit”

It’s day four of finals week and the Norbucks baristas have called it quits until their environment improves. One barista was verbally assaulted by an HPME sophomore after putting a round frappuccino cap on his regular iced coffee.

“I told him we were out of the regular caps, but he didn’t care. I have never seen such rage, and I am honestly scared for the safety of myself and my coworkers,” reported the barista, who wishes to remain anonymous but wants to clarify that she isn’t Anthony.

It comes to no surprise that the Norbucks baristas can become the punching bag for stressed out undergrads during finals week. Caffeine for many is the door to success, and it is the baristas who hold the key. After waiting in long lines to get their fix, even the little things can set students off; one girl almost broke down in a full tantrum after she was told their was no artificial sweetener for her venti skinny vanilla latte steamed at children’s temperature.

“I told her using nonfat milk alone cut down on calories, but she couldn’t hear me over the sounds of her own wailing,” said the barista.

“Every day this week has been a nightmare. The thing students don’t realize is that we get stressed out too! Do you know how hard it is to guess which spelling of Caitlin is the correct one? I shouldn’t have to hold my breath as I anticipate the explosion that can occur after misspelling someone’s name. We’re all human here,” said another barista.

The Norbucks workers refuse to work. They turned the lights of their little cart off until they get the respect they think they deserve. Sadly, the community only anticipates greater animosity. The Norris Center is looking to the NUPD for help to ensure the safety of these baristas and their families in anticipation of a student-led witch hunt to find these employees, throw them over their shoulders, carry them back to their tiny work space, and demand a grande iced vanilla bean caramel mocha frap with a double shot of espresso.

The Evolution of the Group Project

29 Jan

Group projects before college > group projects at college. Here’s why:

You used to be somebody.

You used to be somebody.

Elementary School:

Your 4th grade teacher just assigned you to make a poster about the rainforest. In a group. Could life get any better than this?! THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST PROJECT EVER WE HAVE TO GO BUY RUBBER CEMENT AND GLITTER RIGHT NOW!!!!!! You obviously all gathered at the swankiest group member’s house (AKA the one who had the World Wide Web) with the coolest mom who provided the best snacks. Bagel Bites and Dunkaroos were on the menu and Destiny’s Child blasted on the stereo. You laughed, ran with scissors, threw glitter at each other, and spilled Capri Sun on the carpet. Then you got down to business and used the house’s top-of-the-line laser printer to decorate your kickass poster with colorful birds, lush green forests, and crazy looking anteaters. You came away from the day with a ton of new inside jokes like “Team Brainforest!” and “be the Amazon!” that you would shout at each other in the hallways for the next six months…or six years. AND THE YOU MADE A PACT TO BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER AND IT WAS THE GREATEST AND YOU GOT A THOUSAND GOLD STARS!!!

Continue reading

5 Things To Do Before October Ends

13 Oct

October has always been my favorite month of the year.  Maybe it’s the colors changing, maybe it’s the football season – hell, maybe it’s even the simple pleasure of using candy corn as bait to attract and subsequently kill your neighbor’s pets.  But sometimes we get so caught up in our responsibilities – school, work, animal sacrifice – that we take for granted the gifts that this beautiful month brings us.  Here are five fun-filled activities that you must accomplish before October gets all menstrual and becomes November.

This should go over real well at temple.

5.  Wear a Halloween costume to a religious service

It is quite regrettable that I have never brought myself to do this one.  This can be an excellent memory for all people involved, but only if you use the right costume.  For example, if you go to mass sporting your awesome “Cross-dressing Rush Limbaugh” costume, you might think you’re awesome, but all the Catholics will likely just mistake you for the Pope.  And we’ve ALL been in that awkward situation where everyone thinks you’re the liaison between them and God when you were really just trying to be funny and mildly offensive.

4.  Carve something inappropriate into a pumpkin

Carving pumpkins is one of the long-standing Halloween traditions, and as with all long-standing traditions, it must be regularly disgraced.  There are two ways of bringing heinous to the pumpkins – either by ruining other people’s pumpkins with crudely drawn sexual images, or by artfully crafting pornography into your own pumpkins.  Now, some of you may ask, “Does it have to be pornography?” and I will answer you the same way my estranged uncle answered my inquiries regarding his Netflix queue:  Yes, it always has to be pornography.

Alternatively, you could drop acid and DESIGN a corn maze.

3.  Drop acid in a corn maze

We’ve all seen that movie Signs starring Mel Gibson.  Actually, not all of us have seen it.  Come to think of it, I don’t think I know a single person inane enough to remove two hours from their woefully short time on this earth to watch that god awful piece of dogshit.  But the point still stands: Cornfields can be pretty fucking scary.  And if they’re scary now, just imagine how scary they are when you’ve suddenly morphed into a three-legged Pakistani sex-clown running from the omnipotent army of scrotum-hungry beasts with the body of Anna Kournikova and the head of Whoopi Goldberg.

2.  Shotgun a Pumpkin Spice latte

Okay, seriously, this is important.  Starbuck’s is so up-their-ass with their goddamn seasons that someone needs to put them in their place, and this is just the way to accomplish that.  So here’s what you do.  Walk into a Starbuck’s with a boombox blasting music from one of the aggressively sub-par CDs sold at the Starbuck’s counter – Jewel will do.  Proceed to order a venti Pumpkin Spice latte, because as long as the grande costs $6.50, you might as well spring the extra 50 cents and shell out 7 bucks for a fucking drink.  When the barista calls your name, which is presumably spelled in a way that somehow manages to use characters from a minimum of three different language families, grab your drink, punch a sizable hole in the bottom of the side, and then CHUG. THE. WHOLE. DAMN. THING.  There’s a high probability you’ll suffer second-degree burns, but it’s a small price to pay for sticking it to the man.

1.  Bang Jennifer Lawrence

Admittedly, this doesn’t necessarily pertain to the month of October, but I’m all about setting goals and deadlines.  And since you’re apparently supposed to announce your goals to your friends or some shit, here goes: I intend to do the sex at Jennifer Lawrence by the time October ends.  

OOOOOHHH MMMMYYYYY GGGGGOOOODDDDDDD

Like, seriously, what a piece of ass.  I’d sure like to show her what the 12 in District 12 really means.  I would give her everything my Cornucopia has to offer, and when all is said and done, she’ll really understand what it means to be the Girl on Fire.  Hunger Games sex jokes aside, though, Jennifer Lawrence is really hot.  And I want to make penis toward her.  

Happy October, everybody!

A Comprehensive Guide to Men’s Bathroom Etiquette

31 Aug

There’s a right time and a wrong time to discuss the pee pee shivers.

If you have a Y chromosome and have ever been stricken with the urgent need to urinate in Midway International Airport, then you would probably agree that the state of men’s bathroom etiquette in the United States is alarming.  Even in the 21st century, urinalgoers and toiletsitters still routinely disregard the fundamental principles of propriety and respect in the bathroom, resulting in a horrifying number of unwanted junk viewings and uncomfortable verbal exchanges.  In a desperate effort to rectify this social epidemic (henceforth referred to as “The Great Discomfort”), we here at Sherman Ave have developed a comprehensive guide to bathroom etiquette.

Part I: When and how did The Great Discomfort originate? 

            Many trace The Great Discomfort back to the New Deal under President Roosevelt in the 1930s.  One agency created was the Public Works Administration, which was responsible for, well, public works, including many public buildings large enough to necessitate large public bathrooms.  We’re not really sure how this developed into today’s current predicament, but we generally like blaming problems on large government programs and bureaucratic expansion, because of the logic.

Part II: Who is responsible for The Great Discomfort?

            Although social scientists, cultural anthropologists, and ethnographers have spent decades discussing the finer nuances of these wiener-displaying culprits, the answer is really pretty simple: Old people.  Indeed, the most gruesome perpetrators of the Great Discomfort are typically old men who trounce through public bathrooms, trying to make small talk and making no attempt to shield your eyes from their wrinkly, wrinkly manbags.  Here are some of the most common characteristics of the old people who will make your bathroom experience more uncomfortable than that time you watched the rock opera Tommy with your estranged uncle:

  • AARP membership
  • Florida license plate
  • Pocketful of Werther’s wrappers
  • Copy of “The Greatest Generation” by Tom Brokaw
  • Tendency to loudly announce snap judgments about minorities
  • A “Thurmond-Wright ‘48” pin on his knapsack

Of course, America’s grave-fillers aren’t the only ones capable of generating bathroom awkwardness.  Other renowned etiquette-violators include well-meaning janitors, pants-dropping children, and gay-bashing senators.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that you had to watch the Cubs piss away another afternoon.

Part III: Where is The Great Discomfort most volatile?

            As you may have guessed, The Great Discomfort is most potent in public environments.  With the exception of those times years ago when your father kicked down the door while you were peeing and fired off two dozen Roman Candles to threaten you into trying out for the football team instead of auditioning for the local productions of Cats, almost all negative bathroom experiences occur in some kind of public setting and stem from other people being heinous.  Even so, some public places seem to attract the uncomfortable bathroom crowd.  Listed below are some of the most notable hotspots for toilet creepers*.

  • Baseball games.  Setting aside the crowd of drunken overweight 30-somethings who are still trying to relive their glory days playing 3rd base for Boise North High School, the urinal troughs create a toxic environment (literally and figuratively) for bathroom-goers seeking peace and quiet.  You’d think that in a society so focused on individual rights, we wouldn’t all have to piss in the same damn basin like a bunch of mangy socialist taintlords.
  • Airports.  Just because you aren’t fellating Larry Craig doesn’t mean that you’re home free.  Airport bathrooms are grotesque because they combine the feel of a high-stress environment (businessmen hurrying to their flights, children hurrying to the shitty airport store, pilots hurrying to get moderately intoxicated at the airport bar) with a crowd of people in travel mode (read: That guy who brushes his teeth in the airport bathroom).  The result is a violent collision of cultures, which inevitably translates to – you guessed it – awkwardness in the bathroom.
  • Truck Stops.  For a second, we can ignore the fact a truck stop bathroom is dirtier than the International Mud Wrestling Convention held in Mumbai; the discomfort stems only partially from the inherent dirtiness of the bathroom.  What is even deadlier is the clash of the trucker, who traditionally views a truck stop bathroom stall as a 15-minute escape from the endless yellow lines of I-80, and the standard driver or passenger, who views a truck stop bathroom stall as a 20-second sacrifice to avoid a urinary tract infection.

Target practice.

Part IV: How can The Great Discomfort be curbed?

            After hours of pain-staking research and heated discussion, we have deconstructed the problem at hand and divided it into a handful of simple and digestible tips (no pun intended?) on how to avoid flagrant violations of bathroom etiquette.

  • Minimize conversation.  There is a time and a place for everything, and the time and place for small talk is at church picnics and Starbuck’s service counters.
  • Minimize awkward conversation.  It’s one thing to talk about the weather to a dude while he’s deflating his pelvic panther, but it’s another to ask him about his ailing grandmother.  There is really just a very limited selection of appropriate conversations that can occur between two men holding their porkswords.
  • Minimize grunting.  For fuck’s sake, this isn’t a women’s tennis match.  No one wants to be in the bathroom at the same time as the guy whose defecation process is so intense that it necessitates sound effects comparable to Chewbacca being fisted by King Kong.
  • Wash your hands.  This shouldn’t require much explanation.  If you just peed in a urinal, then you just touched your glorystick, which means you should wash your hands.  I’m looking at you, hippies.
  • Eyes ahead.  There is nothing more awkward than someone peeing at a full row of urinals whilst aggressively staring at the person to his left or right.  I’d rather have the Eye of Sauron watch me empty the steel eel than have the Eye of Creepy Tall German Guy watch me whip it out.  YES, GERMANS.  I’M CALLING YOU OUT.
  • Wait to whip.  Among the most atrocious bathroom crimes is the “Early Exposure,” or the act of completely whipping out your dick before even reaching a urinal.  It is incredibly traumatizing to finish a good piss, turn around to wash your hands, and be accosted by a random dude’s shlong.  Seriously, it’s horrifying, unnecessary, and impossible to unsee, much like the movie “Deliverance.”
  • Execute Proper Urinal Placement.  This is the trickiest of these tips to master, because there is truly a science behind urinal placement.  Essentially, this is the rule of thumb: Always attempt to leave at least one urinal between yourself and the nearest bathroom-goer.  Above all, don’t be the guy that bypasses an entire row of empty urinals to occupy the urinal adjacent to the only other occupied urinal.  Just don’t do it.  It’s really hurtful and often leads to severe emotional distress.

So, men of the world, take heed.  With proper attention and care, this social crisis can be corrected.  With each drop of golden elixir that you excrete from your bodies, you have the opportunity to be a catalyst for progress.  Never forget that just one person can make a difference, even if it’s something as small as refraining from asking an adjacent bathroom-goer what he thinks of 50 Shades of Grey.

*Yes, Toilet Creepers was the name of my band in high school.  Those days are behind me, despite the fact that our hit single “Snake Jelly on my Fingertips” would have easily gone platinum had it gotten better exposure.
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