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Tag Archives: Stephen Hawking

The 5 Worst Celebrity Endorsements of All Time

30 Jun

Who would have thought one little drilldo could cause so much damage?

5. Professor John Bailey’s Endorsement of DeWalt Hardware
DeWalt Hardware thought they had made the marketing move of the century when they signed John Bailey to endorse their products. Dewalt hoped that Bailey, a professor at Northwestern University who made international news for allowing the use of a fucksaw in an after-class demonstration to prove to students that – contrary to popular belief – females can indeed be brought to orgasm, would inspire others to invent new and creative uses for their products. The endorsement, however, had the opposite effect of that which was desired. As it turns out, it isn’t as beneficial as one would think to have your product associated with a mechanical pleasure machine.

At least he was never accused of juicing.

4. O.J. Simpson’s Endorsement of Minute Maid Orange Juice
“O.J. for O.J.!” With this slogan, how could any product fail? Well, if the O.J. that is being associated with the product happens to be widely recognized as a felon, there will be issues. The secondary slogan, “If the glove don’t fit-rus, get a dose of some citrus,” only made matters worse, throwing Minute Maid into the spotlight, saddling the company with the nickname a “Vitamin C-rial Killer,” and ultimately leading to allegations that the product itself was not of sufficient quality. This sweeping grassroots movement was spearheaded by the iconic muckraker Captain Juggles, who scrutinized Minute Maid in her song “Balls.” The timeless line, “Get those tiny tangerines out of here, I want them Florida Golds” instantly became the mantra of what is now referred to as the Fruit Juice Revolution. With this one ill-advised endorsement, Minute Maid effectively ruined its once-healthy reputation for ages to come.

These probably had a much better relationship with Hillary than Bill ever did

3. Hillary Clinton’s Endorsement of Tampax
As a proud member of the male gender, I refuse to know what tampons really do; I sometimes wonder if they’re vanilla-flavored cigars that women smoke in privacy because it’s not ladylike. My sister once explained it to me, but I stopped listening after I heard the word “vagina.” Regardless of the purpose they serve, it has been made painfully clear that tampons should not be endorsed by Former Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. But in early 2008, Hillary Clinton and Tampax entered into a mutually beneficial partnership: Clinton endorsed the product, and Tampax supported her campaign. However, the symbiotic relationship was short-lived, as Tampax instantly saw a dramatic drop in sales. Why? Market research indicates that, for lack of a better explanation, Americans really don’t like thinking about Hillary Clinton’s vagina.

Which explains why the cereal tastes like so many thousands of tears

2. Adolf Hitler’s Endorsement of Wheaties
I know what you’re thinking: “Why the fuck would anyone ever want Hitler to endorse their product?” As it turns out, Hitler was a very admirable political figure before he exterminated 11 million people. After he was elected TIME magazine’s Man of the Year in 1938, Wheaties – then a mere fledgling cereal producer – put him on the front of their cereal box, believing that an assertive, successful politician would be the perfect icon to promote their product. Unfortunately, Hitler’s subsequent invasion of Poland put an extremely negative spin on the advertising campaign; the situation only deteriorated when loud-mouthed General George S. Patton jokingly referred to Poland has “Hitler’s Breakfast of Champions.” Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels, seeing the cereal box as a symbol of Germany’s cultural and racial superiority to the United States, began using the box as an image to unite and mobilize the German people for war. I don’t mean to imply that Wheaties is responsible for the Holocaust, but the writing’s on the wall.

The fallout was so bad that Reebok was forced to drop Christopher Reeve from their lineup

1. Stephen Hawking’s Endorsement of Air Jordans
In 2004, Nike commissioned a series of marketing studies that revealed a blatant trend in their sales: customers who identified themselves as “academically-oriented” were very unlikely to buy sneakers from Nike. In an effort to rectify this, Nike made one of the most spectacular public relations blunders in recorded history; they had their most popular shoes, Air Jordans, endorsed by paralyzed Oxford professor Stephen Hawking. If that wasn’t poorly construed enough, the commercials featured Stephen Hawking’s computer stating taglines such as “With Air Jordans, my physical potential is no longer a black hole!” and “Who needs the shoulders of giants when you have Air Jordans?” The mastermind of this advertising campaign likely befell the same fate that the North Korean national soccer team did after their 7-0 loss to Portugal in the 2010 World Cup.

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Hate A Random Country: New Zealand

12 Apr

This sheep is literally the most coveted female in the entire country

It is common knowledge that New Zealand is an awful, awful place. But before I delve into the endless depths of why this feeble island-nation is lamer than a cross-breed of Christopher Reeve and Stephen Hawking (okay, admittedly this joke is tasteless), there’s one point I want to make clear: Yes, I recognize that Lord of the Rings was filmed in New Zealand, and yes, I recognize that Lord of the Rings is, for lack of a better term, the tits (to clarify, that means I like it). However, Lord of the Rings was not the only movie filmed in New Zealand. Cinematic shitmounds like Whale Rider, Mission Impossible 2, and Without A Paddle (literally the worst movie ever created that didn’t feature Nicolas Cage) were also filmed in that Maori cesspool known as New Zealand. Thus, we can all agree that any credit given to New Zealand for its association with Peter Jackson’s directorial hotness (not to be confused with his physical hotness, which is purely non-existent) is effectively canceled out by its association with scientologist douchecake Tom Cruise and proverbial assbasket Seth Green.

One does not simply walk into Mordor!

Another fundamental flaw in New Zealand can be seen in their sports culture. Primarily, it is crucial to note that the national sport of New Zealand is rugby, a sport known far and wide for its absolute insignificance. The national team of New Zealand is fondly referred to as the All-Blacks — a racial slur that is purely incomprehensible to me or any other member of the fine educational institution of Northwestern University. And even the famed All-Blacks aren’t that big of a deal; anyone one who has seen Invictus could tell you that. I’m sorry, New Zealand, but losing to South Africa in anything (except racial dichotomy, obviously) represents a severe absence of excellence.

Ooooh, featuring the Union Jack, how original.

Speaking of severe absence of excellence, New Zealand’s soccer team is also renowned for its habitual suckage of ass. I am a regular player of FIFA, as Evanston residents continually kept awake by my bloodcurdling shrieks of anguish and/or triumph can attest. In FIFA 2011, New Zealand is literally the worst international soccer team, taking the back seat to such laughable countries as Slovakia, Finland, and even France. Furthermore, the primary color of New Zealand’s jersey in soccer (and rugby, for that matter) is black. Is the color black featured on New Zealand’s flag? No. As if we didn’t already have enough reasons to detest this country, they are on the list of obnoxious countries that insist on representing themselves with a color not depicted on their flag (I’m looking at you, Netherlands).

I think I’ve made my point pretty clear. But just in case I haven’t, I’ll conclude with one last contention: Can we ever really respect a country whose demonym is a fruit? Case closed, Kiwi bitches.