An Open Letter to the Student Body from Blackboard

Esteemed Student Body,

HAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU GUYS

YOU LITERALLY JUST GOT BACK TO SCHOOL AND YOU CAN’T EVEN DO THE HOMEWORK YOU DON’T WANT TO DO

SUCK MY DICK

SUCK IT SO MANY TIMES

SUCK IT UNTIL YOUR MOUTH HURTS

Cordially,

Blackboard

Meet the ASG Candidates: David Harris

Earlier this week, Sherman Ave reached out to the four ASG presidential tickets asking to interview them. All four tickets were gracious enough to accept; this is part two of four. Look for the other two to come later in the day.

Pictured: Harris, who had a weird obsession with The Music Man and struggles with hot Thai peppers.

What’s your favorite movie?

Favorite movie?  I always  go with, like, three different movies at the same time so you can get a sense of different tastes.  So I would say “The Truman Show,” because that movie kind of blew my mind.  If I were more narcissistic, I would think my life was The Truman Show, but I’m not quite that interesting.   Second would probably be Zoolander, because, in a word, it’s awesome.  And third is Silence of the Lambs.

Oh wow.

Because that movie also blew my mind.  I like most every movie but I don’t like horror movies, so Silence of the Lambs is the closest I could get.  It’s more of a psychological thriller than slasher.

Okay.  Do you have a favorite musical?

Hmm.  I had this weird obsession with The Music Man when I was eight-ish.

The Matthew Broderick version or the Robert Redford version?

The actual, uh, theatre-y…

Oh, just the show.

Yeah.  But now I just watched, a couple weeks ago, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.  Have you seen that?

No.

It’s pretty hilarious.  It’s about a couple of conmen.  It’s got Steve Martin in it.  The movie’s not a musical, but I’ve also seen the musical.

Are you sure you’re not thinking of The Pink Panther?

Yeah, no I’m sure.

Meet the ASG Candidates: Benison Choi

Earlier this week, Sherman Ave reached out to the four ASG presidential tickets asking to interview them. All four tickets were gracious enough to accept; this is part one of four. Look for the other three to come later in the day.

From left to right: Benison, not Benison

What’s your favorite band?

Well I’m super into hip-hop.  I don’t have a band band, I wish I could tell you. I am into, I mean, Tribe Called Quest, Notorious B-I-G.  These are just like…rappers.  I’m not so into bands.  I had a band in high school, if that means anything.  I played the guitar and was the lead for that.  We went for the whole jazzy feel.  I did some freestyle rapping.

What was your band called?

We had no name.  We were just the kids who showed up and fucking killed it.

Wow, that’s an interesting business model for a band.

I mean, yeah.  Why have a name when we speak for ourselves?

Or sing for yourself.  Freestyle for yourself.  

Yeah.

And what’s your favorite movie?

Here’s the thing: I’m a HUGE Back to the Future fan.  I watched it when I was a kid, still watch it, have the posters in my room.

ASG Concerned About What Students Want for First Time in 12 Months

The three circles represent interlocking constituencies of ineffectiveness.

EVANSTON–In a surprising turn of events, the Northwestern Associated Student Government–the same organization who brought you great ideas like the “Let’s Get A Willie the Wildcat Statue” Initiative and the “Hey Guys, Remember That One Time We Actually Did Something?” campaign–has now developed a sense of concern and regard for the opinions of the Northwestern student body.

This roundabout represents a quick change in heart for ASG which, as recently as several weeks ago, told the Northwestern student body that only five-thousand dollars of the 10K initiative could go towards projects the students cared about because “Nobody cares about you! That’s why.”

Keg Week 2013: The Eulogy

Tonight, we’re popping popcorn in your honor.

One week ago Sunday, The Keg of Evanston closed its doors for the very last time. Tonight we conclude our Keg Week 2013 with what may–for better or worse–be the very last article we ever post about TKOE.

At this point, more words have been spilled over that shit-hole Evanston bar than Bud Light out of a big cup. Don’t worry, this epitaph will be about as brief as a dance floor hookup, and hopefully a shade less awkward.

Think of all the geographic locations pertaining to Northwestern. The Arch. The Rock. The Frat Quad. The Black House. Willard. Searle Hall. The Lakefill. Tech. Norris. Ryan Field. The Steam Tunnels. Deering. CVS. The Howard El Stop. That One Bench You Totally Made Out On With Your PA.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Evanston

After immersing yourself for a few weeks in the infamous college lifestyle, you’ll be surprised to discover that – just a few blocks from that wall of Jones on which you triumphantly urinated – there is a real city with real people. As easy as it is to be insulated in Northwestern’s spectacular campus, the city of Evanston is a great resource. The following comprehensive guide to key businesses in Evanston will assist you in your efforts to take advantage of the city (omitting Burger King and The Keg, since we’ve already explained their glorious nature).