Tag Archives: student

Sherman Ave Presents: Best Winter Quarter Distros 2014

5 Nov

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Northwestern’s distribution requirements are a great way to ensure that students pursue a liberal arts education by providing them with the flexibility to choose from a wide range of academic disciplines offered at the university a pain in the ass. Continue reading

Sherman Ave’s 14-Step Guide to Green Cup

21 Oct
Growing your own weed is a great way to reduce greenhouse emissions from its transportation!

Growing your own weed is a great way to reduce greenhouse emissions from its transportation!

The Green Cup has begun. Yet another year’s Battle of Champions has kicked off. Who will make SEED the proudest? Who will prove themselves true warriors of conservation? Who is willing to go the longest without flushing their toilet?

Here are Sherman Ave’s 14 tips to show off your raw, feral dominance over all the others on campus.

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Over-participating Student Totally Not Hated by Everyone

21 Oct
Pictured above: Incredibly intelligent student who definitely doesn't say a bunch of shit no one wants to hear

Pictured above: Incredibly intelligent student who definitely doesn’t say a bunch of shit no one wants to hear

Just as a Friday afternoon “Intro to Shakespeare” class was about to end, Professor Howard Schumacher half-heartedly asked if anyone had any other comments. Professor Schumacher, not actually expecting anyone to raise their hand since there had been only about a thousand opportunities to do so throughout the 120-minute lecture, and assuming everyone wanted to leave on time so they could go enjoy their weekends, was shocked when Continue reading

How To Get Fired From Your Unpaid Internship

13 Oct

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I’m a junior in Northwestern University’s Medill School of Journalism. This summer, I got ‘fired’ from my unpaid editorial internship after The Atlantic published an article that I’d written.

That’s the lead. The full story is a little more complicated. I spent this summer writing for a small weekly paper with a tiny, fiercely dedicated staff, downward-spiraling circulation and five editorial interns, all unpaid. Now that print journalism is on its last legs, working for the weekly felt a little like pushing an old lady in a wheelchair. But I liked the creative and autonomous nature of the internship, which meant that I could walk into the office, write about anything that interested me and publish it on a legit site. Could I write about Nicolas Cage and Disney Princesses? Sure. Walk to a park an interview homeless guys about philosophy? You betcha.

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21 Things I Would Do For $1

22 Aug
Let's Scrooge McDuck this mofo

Let’s Scrooge McDuck this mofo

As you may have ascertained from my previous posts about college, I recently graduated. It’s great and terrible at the same time. Honestly I’m a wreck. But that’s not what this article is about. This article is about money.

Unless you’re lucky enough to get a full ride scholarship (smart asses) or your parents are paying for all of your school (rich bitches), you’ve probably taken out a student loan or two to pay for your totally-worth-$50K-a-year education. Unfortunately, once you graduate, they expect you to pay those back. Which kinda sucks, especially if your “real job” hasn’t started yet. This is the situation I’m currently in, and it has left me both broke and bored. So, naturally, I’ve compiled a list of things I would do for $1:

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Sherman Ave Presents: Ikea Bingo

19 Aug

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Ikea is an awful place.  The Swede-founded furniture mega-mart is like some terrible cross between Disneyworld, the Minotaur’s Labyrinth, and your local mattress store.  It is humanly impossible to spend less than thirty minutes inside its walls, trying desperately to navigate yourself through the aisles of Bjurstas and Husviks, all while dodging the inevitable hoards of small children manically gallivanting across your path.  For college students, however, it’s an unavoidable destination: if you need a piece of furniture, Ikea’s gonna have it (simply because of the store’s sheer size); as such, hundreds of thousands of university kids make the pilgrimage through Ikea’s maze-like corridors every summer’s end.

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A Wildly Inaccurate Biography of Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl: Part 2

4 Aug

Part 1 of A Wildly Inaccurate Biography of Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl

In the summer of 1962, a young man named Willie walks out of a liquor store carrying two cases of Bud Light and a handle of Congress vodka. He struggles under the weight of his purchases, lumbering uneasily toward a purple and white Chevy Impala parked 30 feet from the clear glass doors.

After depositing his booze in the trunk, being sure to bring five cans of beer up to the front seat with him, he slides the key into the ignition. The engine sputters for a moment and then roars to life. Willie wastes no time in speeding out into the cool night air, shotgunning a can of beer all the while.

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Scantily-Endowed Student Has Difficulty Dancing to “Bubble Butt”

9 Jul
Usher's her jam.

Usher’s her jam.

PALM BEACH–22-year-old Abby Palumbo is experiencing considerable difficulty dancing to Major Lazer’s recent single “Bubble Butt,” according to witness reports trickling in at 8:00 PM tonight. The beautiful and somewhat gangly Communications major says her awkwardness in executing the song’s demands is directly related to her body type’s incompatibility with the subject matter.

“I can do the ‘turn around’ part,” sighed Palumbo. But everything else…it’s like “My Humps” all over again.  I’ll be at the bar waiting for “Shorty Got Low,” I guess.”

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“I Only Have One Final,” Reports Dickhead

5 Jun
At least he has more time to focus on rushing Sig Nu.

At least he has more time to focus on rushing Sig Nu.

EVANSTON, Ill. – In a press conference this morning, some total dickhead announced to everyone that he only has one final this quarter.

“Yeah, it’s honestly really nice,” said the absolute douchesicle.  “Everyone else is really stressed, and I’m just sitting here chilling.  I just have one final next week, and it’s only on material from weeks 9 and 10.  How’s your finals week going?”

The Anusmelon’s announcement has been met with substantial public outcry, especially among Northwestern’s virgin engineer population.  In addition to organizing a march down Sheridan Road this afternoon to show solidarity for how much they despite this piece of human dogshit, the McCormick School of Engineering has planned a candlelight vigil for this evening to honor the gruesome death of fairness.

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30 More Things That Go Through The Mind Of Every Northwestern Student (Almost) Every Day

30 Apr
Is it true that Morty once took Margaret Thatcher to a nice dinner and never called her back?

Is it true that Morty once took Margaret Thatcher to a nice dinner and never called her back?

Because 33 things that go through the mind of every Northwestern student (almost) every day just wasn’t enough.

1) OF ALL THE GIN JOINTS IN ALL THE WORLD WHY DID TISDAHL HAVE TO SHUT DOWN MINE.

2) No but it’s fine The Keg wasn’t that great I’ll just go somewhere else in Evanston OH MY GOD THERE IS NO WHERE ELSE.

3) TIIIIIISSSSSSSDAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

4) It’s April. Why the fuck do I need to wear a Northface in April.

5) If BK was a McDonalds I would be broke and fat.

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