Tag Archives: students

NAMBLA Applauds CPS’s Achievement in Screwing Kids

16 Oct

CHICAGO-Pandemonium reigned today when a meeting between Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel and officials from Chicago Public Schools was interrupted by a group of supporters from the National Man Boy Love Association (NAMBLA).

“Yeah!” The assembled 37 ‘Lovers of Young Men’ shouted. “Give it to those kids!”

The NAMBLAites reported that they were at the meeting to express their support for the Mayor’s decision to recently close 50 Chicago schools. Local Chicago NAMBLA spokesman Joseph Fridbaker stated: “I’ve never seen anybody fuck so many kids at once. I mean, we’re talking thousands. It really is a remarkable achievement.”

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Northwestern to Break Ground on Huge Fucking Inconvenience in 2015

8 Oct
Just the cherry on top that your day needed.  Source: Some jackass architect

Just the cherry on top that your day needed.
Source: Some jackass architect

EVANSTON, Ill. – Explaining that nothing was more important than the future of Northwestern University and its students, university president Morton Schapiro announced plans to break ground on Northwestern’s newest massive inconvenience by Fall of 2015.

“We could not be more excited about getting started on this project,” President Schapiro insisted of the enormous eye-sore of a construction site, which will begin to frustrate students as soon as the current gigantic annoyance is underway.

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An Open Letter from Evanston to NU Students on Dillo Day

30 May
What I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

What I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

Dear Asshats,

As you’re no doubt aware, and we know you’re no doubt aware because you’ve been counting down every frickin’ minute since last June, Northwestern’s Mayfest is at the end of this week. Dildo day or whatever the eff. Haha Dildo. See what I did there? Said a dirty word. High five, Carl.

Now I know that you think this is the one day of the year where there’s an understanding between us and… you people… regarding the consumption of the devil’s water and the shouting of the word ‘blowjob.’ Like somehow we’ll be ok with you crossing Sheridan Road into out territory.

We’ve killed people for less.

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What Do We Do About It?

13 May

Northwestern_University_Winter

With the resurfacing of mental health discourse on campus at Northwestern, it’s about time we have a serious discussion about priorities. With the shocking death of a third student this year, people are understandably angry and confused. We once again mobilize over the buzzword “mental health,” eager to take action to prevent further tragedies. We point fingers at the lackluster counseling services on campus and cry out for more awareness of mental health issues through implementing a new ENU. But we fail to acknowledge our own complicity as a community.

After each suicide this year, I’ve been struck by community’s shock that anything was wrong in the first place. Now, all Northwestern students sacrifice their health and happiness from time to time to beat the curve, and many suffer in silence. But there are those among us who do not choose our unhappiness for later rewards. We suffer so deeply that the joys of our lives remain out of reach. Yet we too stay silent and go through the motions, even if we have been left void of all feeling, even if it absolutely destroys us inside. I do not wish to put words into others’ mouths, but I can at the very least say that I understand what this is like. Many of you know me as a good friend of the Ave and a leader of many campus organizations, but I am also a rape survivor.

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Keg Week 2013: The Top 10 Most Heinous Yelp Reviews for The Keg of Evanston

3 Apr

According to the online directory yelp.com, the Keg of Evanston is great for a late night and horrible for children without anything that resembles proper identification. For Sherman Ave’s ongoing celebration of Keg Week, we found the top ten yelp reviewers heinous enough to devote ten minutes of their lives to informing the greater Chicagoland area about TKOE.

10. Keg Dinner for Two
Screen Shot 2013-04-02 at 5.30.37 PM
I’ve been shut out the past two times I tried to get dinner at the Keg, and this woman who looks old enough to remember when Evanston was dry is able to enjoy a meal there that cost as much as a night at Chili’s and probably tasted like a night at Joliet Correctional Center? Fate is as fickle as a co-ed on a stripper pole.

9. Nothing but the Truth
Screen Shot 2013-04-02 at 5.30.13 PM
Too bad Tal R. confused Chet Haze for a New Trier dude.

8. ASIAN GIRL
Maybe (asian girl)
Having eaten breakfast at Plex — which must be comparable to most high-end strip club breakfast buffets — I can really identify with Isaac C. Besides, most times when I scream “ASIAN GIRL,” they either mace me or shout back “HONKY BRO.” Incidentally, how much does a cab ride cost to get from The Keg to Deering?

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33 Things That Go Through the Mind of a Northwestern Student (Almost) Every Day

12 Mar
Who writes for Sherman Ave, and why?

Who writes for Sherman Ave, and why?

1) Weather.com said it was going to be 15 degrees warmer than this. 15 FUCKING DEGREES.

2) Wait so…is this shuttle even coming?

3) Oh yeah I forgot there’s construction on this path OH GODDAMNIT NOW THERE’S CONSTRUCTION ON THIS ONE TOO.

4) What the fuck is Frances Searle?

5) I hope there’s more than just grape jolly ranchers in Kellogg.

6) GODDAMNIT KELLOGG STOP BUYING GRAPE JOLLY RANCHERS NO ONE FUCKING LIKES  GRAPE JOLLY RANCHERS.

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A Comprehensive Timeline of DM Emotions

10 Mar
Oh my god yes! ANOTHER HARLEM SHAKE DANCE!!!

Oh my god yes! ANOTHER HARLEM SHAKE DANCE!!!

A couple things that I had working against me going into DM: I slept like 4 hours a night the week before, and I had 5 cups of coffee the day of (yes I KNOW that you weren’t supposed to do that). I’m also so caffeine dependent that I might as well just take it intravenously at this point. So, like, dsklgjsiojklcxmv nerjeoijwsak. I am one tired motherfucker.

Block 1: I look around the tent. 30 hours in this bad boy. The feeling of “what the fuck have I gotten myself into god I really hate myself sometimes” comes on with the ferocity of an orgo midterm. The music starts. I bob my head with tepid enthusiasm. I should probably conserve energy. After all, it’s 30 fucking hours. I dance awkwardly. I realize that I’m not used to dancing in situations other than The Keg. I hate myself. It’s been 30 minutes. I have completely exhausted all of my dance moves. Ooh snack time! “All dancers with nut allergies please exit the tent.” Awkward, that’s me. They start playing music that people can get into (MY LIFE. WOULD SUCK. WITHOUUUUUT YOUUUUU) and this DM thing is kind of fun.

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Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Bicycles at NU

14 Aug

Testicular cancer? No way bro.

Before I came to Northwestern, it had been 3 years since I had ridden a bicycle for, well, socially acceptable purposes. Like most high school students, I felt that riding a bicycle was incredibly lame compared to owning a car, and even though most students at my high school did not own a car, getting a ride from your mom was still considered cooler than riding your bicycle (LOGIC BOMB). Nowadays, riding your bike is “hip,” “cool,” “environmentally friendly,” “a political endorsement of socialism,” etc. At Northwestern, riding your bike is a super viable way of getting to such important locations as: the student center that no one is close to; that place on Clarke that’s practically off-campus but for some reason they have classes there; your local alcohol purveyor; and many more. It’s important to understand whether owning and operating a bicycle at NU is the right decision for you. The following is a personal 2nd amendment-centric manifesto confessional sexual novel handy guide on biking at NU.

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Sexist Poker

25 Apr

Dear Friends,

He at least could have shaved his armpits

On April 21st, I saw something I was not supposed to see. As I was walking through the frat quad to purchase some hummus at Lisa’s, a high-pitched noise befell upon my ears. As I furtively peeped in the windows of the offending house to find out what it was, I saw inside some dress-up games being played by a group of male Northwestern students. I later learned that this was a strip poker tournament, which typically involves groups of men using their poker skills and the game’s rules to induce the clothing removal of somewhat intoxicated women.

But what I saw Saturday afternoon was really just the “Sexist Poker Tournament.” In this house were at least 50 students, all representing some demographic of women. There were sexy housemaids, sexy flappers, sexy hippies, sexy pirate lasses, sexy nurses, sexy Disney princesses, sexy pioneers, and one feeble attempt to emulate Mila Kunis in Black Swan. There were so many sexually appealing women in that room that I considered dropping my skirt to make a “sexy nudist” costume, crashing in, and being a lesbian for the night. Then I remembered that this was a fraternity and there was a small floppy penis underneath Mila’s tutu.

This idea sounds.... intriguing.

The sickening noise I had heard came from several Katy Perry impersonators who were attempting a rendition of “The One That Got Away,” which unintentionally borrowed elements from a 12-tone piece by Schoenberg that I think I once heard in a foreign horror film. All of the students were dressed up in short skirts, high heels, makeup, excessively padded bras, sequins, glitter, and other stereotypical female garb (the overwhelming majority of women do not wear any of these on a regular basis, but rather legging-pants and a DM t-shirt). The annoying squeals of delight, the sexualizing of sluts at the expense of normal women everywhere, and the sheer number of applications of the word “adorbz” was sickening and traumatizing. This is a brutal incident that has imposed upon the various female communities on campus. This was an act of violence.

The fraternity cannot be identified at the moment due to privacy issues, but they have issued this statement:

“Religion and race have been an issue this quarter, but nobody’s done anything controversial involving gender. We wanted to give everyone an equal opportunity to be offended.”

In other news, Sigma Phi has announced that their next fundraiser will support the Women’s Center.

How to take down the Happiness Club: A four prong approach

27 Mar

Harmless dosage of zen? OR A PAIN IN THE FUCKING ASS AS I TRY TO ESCAPE LAST NIGHT'S HOOKUP BEFORE HE REALIZES I STOLE HIS ENTIRE COLLECTION OF TOY STORY FIGURINES???

We’ve all been dealing with it for far too long: those smiling people that hand you dumdums or balloons and tell you to have a nice day. Every day it seems like Northwestern students are accosted while trying to get to class by smiling groups of their peers who think that they are making us HAPPY.

You want to make me happy? Then pour a shot of tequila in my mouth and tie me to Morty’s bed where he can whip me repeatedly with a dog leash while singing the Northwestern fight song and rubbing his nipples — don’t give me a fucking cupcake.

Here are some quick and dirty ways TO TAKE DOWN HAPPINESS CLUB:

1. Always carry cayenne pepper on your person, in case they bring out the puppies — take a whiff of that, BITCH.

2. When they ask you if you want a hug, ask them if they want their testicles. Better yet, kick first and ask later.

3. Splash their cups of free hot chocolate into their faces — see how well they can smile with third degree burns.

4. When they go kite flying: bring knives to attach to kites and scissors to snip strings. See how “happy” the people on the lake fill are when they are DEAD.

No I don’t want a free bagel, fuckhead.