REPORT: You are a Complete and Utter Failure

NEW HAVEN, Conn.—A report from Yale’s School of Medicine published in the New England Journal of Medicine suggests that you, the reader, are a total failure and, quite frankly, an insult to the human race.

In a recent interview, head researcher Edward Feynberg made clear that the report is indeed referring to you, not to the person next to you or behind you. “Stop turning your head left and right, looking around like a damn buffoon,” he noted. “You look like an idiot.  We’re talking to you.”

“How does it make you feel, fuckface?” asked Feynberg. “I hope it makes you feel awful, because you’re a waste. You’re nothing. Remember how all you did in college was sit on your bed, picking your nose and flicking your boogers over to your roommate’s side of the room? Disgusting. God, you’re awful.”

“Why can’t you be more like your brother?” asked Vanessa Donovan, another researcher

BREAKING: Procrastination A Real Thing, Girl Confirms

EVANSTON, Il —The existence of procrastination was confirmed early this morning. Weinberg junior Megan Rathburn ended a long period of speculation today with the definitive statement that, “Yeah, procrastination is a real thing.”

The announcement came on the heels of a brief conversation regarding the urge to watch Netflix when one should be working. Procrastination, which, according to Rathburn, is “such a struggle,” now explains a previously gaping hole in human behavior.

“We always knew that important work wasn’t always being completed by deadlines, but now we finally have an explanation as to why,” reported Dr. Linda Jensen, a leading human behavior specialist at Johns Hopkins University.

Rachel Hayes, a colleague of Rathburn’s, corroborated the announcement that individuals often put off important duties this afternoon.

It’s Not Alcoholism until You Graduate, According to Twelfth-Year Senior

(via Shutterstock)

According to a new research study conducted over the past twelve years by super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super senior Dave Eaton, 34, any sort of behavior that might otherwise constitute alcohol abuse in virtually any other circumstance “totally doesn’t count in college, dude.” Whether it’s tailgating a football game at 10 a.m. with shots of Jack or sneaking sips of absinthe out of a hidden flask to alleviate the shaky hands and nausea brought on by alcohol withdrawals, Eaton claims this behavior “is just what you do in college, you know?”

Eaton, who has failed all of his classes as well as multiple sobriety tests over the past 14 years, did not find any correlation between his poor academic performance and his drinking habits. “Sometimes you’re a little too hungover to make it to your 2 p.m. class, it happens” said Eaton. “And sometimes that happens for, like, 14 years in a row. It’s whatever.” When questioned further, Eaton explicated, “You know, GPA doesn’t really matter. College is just the best two decades of your life.”

Study: Many NU Students Back to Being Horrible People They Were before DM

(via Northwestern)

EVANSTON, Il – A little over two weeks ago, Northwestern University’s Dance Marathon concluded its thirtieth and final hour, leaving thousands of participating students elated, overcome with emotion, and instilled with the motivation and drive to be better students, better friends, and overall better people to and for the campus culture around them.

Now, a recently conducted study reports that all such feelings have completely vanished from the above-mentioned students, leaving them in a mental state virtually identical to that of any given participant pre-DM.

“It’s quite the phenomenon,” said Dr. Waldo Hurphburger, a professor of Sociology at Northwestern and the chief researcher of the above study.  “In a single thirty-hour period, a morally repugnant, despicably selfish student can become a beacon of charitable kindness and generosity; then, in as little as sixty hours later, lose all such kindness and go back to being, in layman’s terms, a total fucking tool.”

Student Beats 2048; Everybody Cares

via forums.toucharcade.com

EVANSTON, IL – The entirety of Core in University Library broke into vivacious applause late last night after Weinberg Sophomore Jeff Hudson completed the viral online game 2048 during a nine-hour study break. According to those within the library, everybody cared, a lot. No really, they emphasized, literally everybody gave a shit that someone moved tiles around on a screen long enough to form a slightly different tile.

Asked for comment, Hudson replied that

Guy in Library Eating Chips Very Loudly

EVANSTON, Il – While studying for your Economics 310-1 final this afternoon in the References section of University Library, reports have confirmed that the guy using the desk directly next to yours has begun to eat a small bag of potato chips, making a significant amount of chewing noises in the process.

The guy, who you do not know and have never seen before, has removed a bag of Lay’s Baked Sour Cream and Onion potato chips from his backpack, and is now opening them, crinkling the paper-thin bag in the process.  He is proceeding, according to reports, to eat each chip not only loudly and vigorously, but slowly; which, you notice, only adds to the distinctly audible and somewhat unsettling sounds of mastication the guy is creating.  The numerous reports also state that

A Message to the Northwestern Student on Finals’ Week

Halfway through a shot of Everclear, I stared into the abyss of a party and watched as a group of stressed, overworked students went balls-to-the-wall for one last Saturday night before bunkering down the next day to study for finals.

It was a curious night. Yes, there were some couples dabbling in the art of rigorous over-the-pants hand jobs on the dance floor. Yes, there was a girl who

Study: No One Cares What Your Boyfriend Got You for Valentine’s Day

ANN ARBOR, MI— Researchers at the University of Michigan concluded on Friday morning that no one gives a shit what your boyfriend got you for Valentine’s Day.

Results of the study indicated that 48% of those surveyed didn’t give a shit, 3% had received better gifts from their boyfriends or husbands or generous casual hook ups and didn’t give a shit, and the other 49% were just dudes who didn’t give a shit.

University of Michigan Researchers were prompted to carry out this study after social media caused a dramatic rise in people’s perceptions that their friends, co-workers, and that guy they have a class with so they friended him on Facebook actually give a shit what presents their boyfriend got them for Valentine’s Day.

“It’s official: I have the bestest boyfriend in the entire world! Best Valentine’s Day Ever.”

This study debunked that myth, proving that a “like” on an online photo has little to no correlation with whether or not the “liker” actually gives a shit.

“We hope the results of this study will be eye opening,” Head Researcher Michael Brown said. “Our goal was to drop the amount of Facebook uploads and Instagrams of flower bouquets and giant teddy bears and expensive fondue dinners by 80%.”

Brown said the next item on the agenda is a comprehensive analysis of whether or not making a PicStitch for your friend’s birthday actually indicates that you are good friends.

The Perks of Being a Wildcat

Dear friend,

I’m sorry I haven’t written to you in a couple of weeks, but I have been trying to “study” like my advisor said. It’s strange because sometimes, I read a textbook and I think I actually understand what I have read. Also, when I write notes, I spend the next two days trying to figure out what I have written in my notes. I don’t know if this is good or bad. Nevertheless, I am trying to study.

In terms of my grades in classes, I am trying to go to fewer social events that I get invited to at school. It’s too late to try and get any A’s or anything like that, but I still try to stay in sometimes and do the work I can. Things like the assigned homework problems that don’t count for points and actually reading the textbook, even if I don’t have a fucking clue what it’s saying.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Wildcat Welcome Week

Prepare to develop a complex love-hate relationship with the color purple.

First of all, I would like to preface this article by stating that all of you incoming freshmen are lucky bastards. Wildcat Welcome Week is easily one of the greatest weeks in college (I see you, Halloweek). It is literally a week of debauchery and a few early morning events that the University believes will deter you from drinking. Wildcat Welcome Week will be your first taste of true college freedom and tons of upperclassmen will be on campus with nothing to do but twirl their thumbs and do their best to corrupt the shit out of you.