Okay but this is a great picture.
1. Eat cheese.
2. Pluck your eyebrows.
3. Get a pet rock.
4. Boil some spaghetti and use it as pet rock hair.
5. Put your spaghetti-wigged pet rock on someone’s porch. Ring the bell and run away.
6. Wait until it’s dark out. Turn on the lights, roll up your shades, and perform for the passersby outside your window.
7. Go to a restaurant by yourself.
8. GET OFF MY LAWN.
9. Clean all of the dirt out from the spaces between the keys on your laptop.
10. Eat cheese.
Summer is winding down now, and we are all ready to be back at school. For those of us who are just as weird as Lana del Rey and nowhere near as pretty, summertime sadness is some real shit. Everyone seems to fall into a summer category: working a kickass internship at some awesome company; partying like old times with your high school biddies; “studying” abroad or just being a generally wealthy person who gets to “summer” in Athens for funsies; or finally, being forced to remember why you hated your hometown in the first place.
I, unfortunately, fall into the last category. Subheading: bored housewife training.
Also coincidentally where Coors Light comes from.
“You know nothing, BJ Taintz.”
You’re not quite right, hypothetical reader with the voice of Ygritte. I know that it’s summer right now, for one thing.
That’s right, summer: the season of sunlight, flowers, bugs, and beaches. Perfect time to sit at a computer all day slaving away at an unpaid internship, right? Wrong, but hey, that’s the life we chose. But just because we’re too old to spend summer days eating grass (wait, am I the only one that did that?) doesn’t mean there aren’t lessons to be learned. Here’s what I’ve learned from a few summer weeks of laying around, gorging on Welch’s fruit snacks while reading A Dance With Dragons and pretending that the real world doesn’t exist.
Nothing goes with a cigarette quite like a coronarita and the threat of VD.
1. “I wonder how many times I’ll have to scan this same file.”
2. “No, no – I didn’t come here for a learning experience, I came here to fetch your coffee and pretend to care about your stories.”
3. “What is it even like to be outside during the day?”
4. “New puppy post on Buzzfeed? Sorry responsibilities, you’ll have to wait.”
To the Dear, Sweet Residents of the Chicagoland Area:
Remember just a few days ago, when you went home for Mother’s Day? You brought back all your favorite winter pajamas, and your dad’s hand-me-down college sweatshirt, and the thick comfy leggings you wear as long johns under jeans when it’s colder than balls and don’t give a fuck.
LOL. FOOLISH HUMANS.
Don’t worry. You’ve heard the saying, “If you don’t like the weather in Chicago, wait half an hour”? THAT’S CAUSE IT’S ABOUT TO GET EVEN WORSE. Just when you thought it was safe to crack open a beer on your porch and groove to Katy Perry classics again, you’re hot then you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no, you’re indoors then you’re outdoors, you’re slacklining on the lakefill and DID YOU KNOW THAT SPRINGTIME IN CHICAGO IS MOTHER NATURE PMS-ING? Continue reading
Fuck Yale.
My mom asks me, every fortnight or so, what I’m doing next fall. Of course, she knows what I know, which is that I don’t know. She asks anyway. Everyone asks all the time if I know what I’m doing next fall. Isn’t it enough that I’m about to graduate? No. It’s never enough. Doing the college is never enough.
But everyone else seems to have something to do, and it’s that time of year when everyone is announcing to everyone else that they’re just so talented that they’ve managed to secure that job or internship that had really long odds. Like, a Midwesterner-getting-into-Yale long odds. Fuck Yale.
Finish the keg if that’s your dad.
It is officially Wednesday of Spring Break, and that means that, if you are having a good old staycation, you have been sober for far too long. That’s why Sherman Ave is here to make this Spring Break more fun for you with our official Sherman Ave Spring Break Drinking Game! Because, as they say, if you can’t be on vacation for Spring Break, get drunk!
Take one shot anytime one of the following happens:
Every time you find yourself watching an episode of Law and Order SVU
Every time a friend snapchats you a picture from an exotic place
Every time someone asks you what you are doing this year/summer/with your life
Every time you suspect you are the oldest person in a given establishment
Every time your parents ask you if you are seeing someone at school
Every time you finish a pint of ice cream
Every time you get roped into doing chores for your Mom
Every time you fall asleep before 11pm
Every time you watch The Game Show Network by choice
Every time you tell a story about school and omit how drunk/high you were
Every four-hour period you go without wearing pants
Every time you convince your parents to let you drink with dinner
Every time your pale, winter-quarter glow scares someone from home
Every time you revisit The Sims and make them Woo-hoo
Every time you see a FreeCreditReport.com commercial
TWO SHOT BONUSES FOR THE FOLLOWING:
If you realize the closest pot dealer to your house is a junior in high school
If you manage to hook up with the only other person home for spring break at the same time
If you can successfully avoid putting any effort into anything over the week of Spring Break
-Sloppy Burnside
Porn: No longer acceptable on the same computer you use for work.
College is a wonderful time. In fact, you will never ever have as much fun for the rest of your life. Ever. And the moment that you arrive home after commencement, this realization hits you harder than Anthony Battle hits offensive linemen. But fear not current seniors (and everyone else, because it all ends so quickly!), for I have emerged from the other side of post-college mourning, and am here to share my experiences, so that when the time comes YOU will be prepared!
We all have bad days. Maybe you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe your orgo midterm grade came back. Maybe you found out that the Theta girl you had over last night watched a little too much Twilight in high school and wake up to find that your neck matches Northwestern’s new uniform color. Or maybe that guy you told to call you maybe didn’t call you…MAYBE. Regardless of the reasons, we will all have bad days, but there are several tiny things that can help make those bad days better – or maybe even turn those days around completely.
1. Putting on Warm Underwear
The South will rise again!
Let’s be honest here: there are few things better than the sudden warming of your nether-regions that comes after slipping on underwear just out of the dryer. Though the feeling is short-lived, I imagine it’s the same feeling female gymnast have after winning their medals – excited, jubilant, and a little depressed knowing things only go downhill from there. I’d even go as far as saying that putting on warm underwear is one of the best things that can happen to anyone’s junk (man junk and lady junk) without another person involved (placing it around the 2057th best thing that can happen to someone’s junk overall). When you put on warm underwear, you feel like you can take on the world – and you would too if only you could get yourself to put on the rest of your clothes and stop moaning in the middle of the Laundromat.
2. Discovering New Meme Websites
This is a personal bright spot for me. In my personal opinion, discovering a new source for your favorite type of meme – whether they be Olympic-themed, celebrity-themed, or little-face Mitt Romney-themed (look them up, seriously…seriously…srysly), discovering a new meme site can brighten up any boring day. Let me save you a little time. Did you know there’s a website dedicated to Animals Talking in All Caps? Really. It’s a thing. Here it is: http://animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com/.
However, if for some odd reason animals talking in all caps is not your thing, there’s bound to be a meme site for you out there for you to waste hours upon hours of your day staring at, forgetting that you just bombed your last test because you spent the entire day prior to the test staring at a new meme site.
3. When workers at Starbucks spell your name right
I had no idea “Omar” had so different spellings.
It’s the bane of any non-Anglo-Saxon person’s existence. No, I’m not talking about racism, intolerance, or even Paul Ryan, no – I’m talking about the barista’s at Starbucks. Yes, those illiterate bastards are probably the worst thing to happen to anyone of foreign descent since colonization (As a person of German, British, France, Austrian, and Russian descent, I am still deeply, deeply sorry about that one. We really fucked up. No, you still can’t have complete control of your economies yet – but I’m still sorry). It’s amazing to see how anyone who managed to successfully fill out a job application can misspell a four letter name so badly.
However, these horrible failures do have one up-side: the feeling of delight you have when someone finally spells your name right. The day that you received your Frappuccino with your name spelled without three extra Y’s, a J, and a dollar sign is likely one of the best days you’ve had in recent memory and this occurring again could probably turn any bad day into a pretty good one.
4. Fat Kids
Just look at this funny bastard. Manua circa 2007
I know we may disagree on the meme thing, but I think we can all agree on one thing: fat kids are hilarious. Like, is there anything funnier than a fat kid doing things wrong? As a former fat kid, I know – we’re just a hilarious bunch. So whenever you’re having a hard time, just look up videos of fat kids struggling and you’ll replace your normal sadness with happiness and guilt.
5. Finding out that people you dislike got ugly
Does this really need explanation? Think of someone you hate. Now, imagine one day you saw this person and you noticed that he or she had put on 30 pounds and lost their front tooth. You’re welcome. If you’re ever fortunate enough to have this happen in real life, take a picture and frame it. It will basically be like taking an anti-depressant except without the risk of Nausea, Insomnia, Anxiety, Restlessness, Decreased sex drive, Dizziness, Weight gain, Tremors, Sweating, Sleepiness or fatigue, Dry mouth, Diarrhea, Constipation, Headaches, Worsened Depression, or Desire to Commit Suicide (real list of side effects. It’s probably best to find people you dislike that got ugly or look up pictures of fat kids).
6. Coming Back to School
DEAR GOD THERE WOULD NOT BE ANYTHING BETTER THAN SCHOOL STARTING! WHY ARE WE ON THE QUARTER SYSTEM? WHY IS EVERYONE GONE? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MYSELF? DID YOU KNOW THAT THERE ARE 24 HOURS IN EVERY DAY? 24 LONELY, SAD HOURS? LET SCHOOL START AGAIN! I DON’T WANT TO PICK UP A NEW HOBBY AND I’VE WATCHED EVERY EPISODE OF EVEN STEVENS TWICE!!! MAKE IT END!!!!
For more small things to help you improve your mood that don’t rhyme with “shmucksaw,” LIKE OUR FACEBOOK PAGE!
Brother Jürgen Taintsdorf and Evander Jones trade e-mails regarding celebrity, sport, and all things culture.
Evander Jones:
Dear Brother Jürgen,
Took him long enough.
What follows is a pitiful attempt to be either the Bill Simmons to your Malcolm Gladwell or the other way around. If need be, however, I am willing to settle as the Ke$ha to your Flo Rida. Either way I’ll probably come off as a DoucheMcMuffin, even if I edit our email exchanges to make us both look far more witty than our faithful Sherman Ave readers could ever imagine. A tricky task, mind you, as I just kind of assume that all of our readers are beautiful women between the ages of 18 and 27 who harbor a fond appreciation for unreleased Smiths B-sides, The West Wing, and Morty Schapiro to go with their rabid readership of Sherman Ave.
Sherman Ave 
