The Super Bowl is on Sunday. This is a big game if you like football. If you don’t know what football is, or you got invited to a Super Bowl Party by some guy/girl you’re crushing on, or if you wake up from a nap on Sunday to find a crowd has gathered around you to watch “the game,” here are a few things you can say to create the illusion that you are aware of/interested in what’s going on:
“Sports! Throwing! Touchdown! YEAHHH!” (via Youtube)
(via Wikipedia)
Q: What is the Super Bowl?
A: It’s a game of American football played between professional teams.
Q: Is this different from the Superb Owl?
A: No.
Q: So why is it different from any other game?
A: The Super Bowl is a much bigger game, with much higher stakes.
Q: I’m intrigued, explain more about these stakes.
A: In the Super Bowl, each touchdown is worth six points, unless the defense invokes the Vanderbilt Rule and successfully clubs at least three (3) baby seals before the extra point attempt. If the defense is able to Vandy in time, the score is worth only four and everyone has to wear Ralph Lauren, Chubbies, topsiders and speak in a southern drawl for the next five minutes. Additionally, the winning team may choose any eight virgins from the other team’s city.
Q: Anything else happen to the losing team?
A: They’re forced to stare at Roger Goodell’s dick until they go blind.
Q: This seems messed up.
A: You should see the NFL’s collective bargaining agreement.
Q: How many players are on each team?
A: 11 are on the field for each team at a time.
Q: Why 11?
A: To represent Jesus and the 10 Disciples.
Q: I’m not sure that’s right.
A: I’m a Catholic priest.
Q: So who’s playing in the Super Bowl?
A: The Seattle Seahawks (booooo) and the Denver Broncos (yay, I guess).
Q: Why do we like the Broncos better?
A: While Seattle has some likeable players like Russell Wilson, Richard Sherman and Marshawn Lynch, they are also coached by an absolute douchenozzle. The Broncos, on the other hand, have a coach who overcame a heart surgery and a quarterback who overcame a spinal injury.
Q: Which team has that tight end who killed like eight people?
A: Neither, the Broncos actually defeated that team last week.
Q: Now I understand why we’re all rooting for Denver.
A: That, and it’s funny because Seattle doesn’t even have an NBA team any more.
Q: Low blow. What’s a “12th Man?”
A: A mythical creature native to the northwest United States, the 12th Man wanders wooded areas, scaring campers and complaining about the officiating in Super Bowl XL.
Q: Why do we use Roman numerals in naming the Super Bowl?
A: Because we ~fancy~.
Q: Where is the Super Bowl being played?
A: Just outside of New York City.
Q: Ohhh, so this is all about New York! That’s why we all care!
A: You are Satan.
Q: Teehee.
A: …Any more questions?
Q: Yeah, do we all get free Papa John’s if Peyton Manning wins?
A: No, but I do next time I order because I’m just one point short of a free pizza on Papajohns.com!
Q: How high will everyone in Washington and Colorado be?
A: OMG NO WAY THE TWO TEAMS PLAYING ARE FROM STATES THAT LEGALIZED POT YOU MUST BE THE FIRST PERSON TO NOTICE.
Q: How long ago was Janet’s wardrobe malfunction?
A: 10 years.
Q: That’s when I discovered my sexuality.
A: Now I’m sad.
Q: What if I just wanna watch for the commercials?
A: Totally fine! Just make sure to tell everyone that over and over and over during the game and act all annoyed when people cheer.
Q: Have you seen that Budweiser commercial with the puppy?!
A: IT CHANGED ME.
Q: NOTHING WILL BE THE SAME.
A: Good chat.
These days, everything seems to have some sort of measurement system. We have heights and weights, salaries and rankings, Klout scores, GPAs, BACs — it seems like everything must be put into numeric terms. Accordingly, we’ve put together a comprehensive review of 2013, scored with our proprietary scoring system. Every significant event of 2013 will be judged on a scale of -5 to +5. A score of -5 means the event made the world a much worse place, and a score of +5 means the event made the world a much better place. Let’s take a look back at 2013 and see where our world lies after the year’s events. Continue reading
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