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Tag Archives: Supreme Court

Predicting the hottest trends of 2014: Bouncy Castles, the Internet, and Miranda Cosgrove, oh my

18 Jan

With every new year comes new fashions and trends. Last year we had twerking, the Harlem Shake, Miley Cyrus, masturbating while crying, and Klondike® bars. What will be hip, hop, and happening in 2014? Our expert analysts have done some digging to find out.

1. Miranda Cosgrove

Some call her the “Next Miley Cyrus,” others say they knew her back when she was just that annoying girl from School of Rock (Summer Wheatley, Class Factotum). When she stars in the next Hunger Games movie, she will become the newest sensation, until things start to hit rock bottom when the fame gets to her head. Her heroin addiction, only discovered when she passes out from an overdose on her first nude photoshoot, will be what puts her firmly in the spotlight for the year.

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Supreme Court Announces End of Morality

28 Jun

This douche.

In a controversial 5-4 decision this week, the Supreme Court announced the end of morality, and with it, the complete destruction of the nuclear family structure. With the invalidation of Proposition 8, as well as the 1996 federal DOMA bill, the Highest Court has decided to allow California to continue its decline into wretched hedonism, while simultaneously opening the floodgates of sin across the entire nation.

Speaking for the court majority, Justice Anthony Kennedy had this to say: “The age of Christian ethics is over. Now, all is free. Now all people can declare marriage to whomever or whatever they choose. Man and man. Man and dog. Man and chair. The sacred act of marriage has been permanently corrupted, so go forth, ye ravenous fools, and marry all that you see!” Continue reading

Scalia in Dissenting Opinion: “GAAAAYYYYYYY”

26 Jun

Those glasses are pretty…yeah, you know.

While reading his dissenting opinion in the Supreme Court’s ruling that denial of federal benefits to married same-sex couples is unconstitutional, Scalia loudly shouted that the whole ordeal was “GAAAAAY.”

“Hah!” reported Scalia. “GAAAAAYYYYY!”

Going on to break traditional decorum in an especially unconventional way, Scalia interrupted Justice Anthony Kennedy’s reading of his majority opinion by interjecting, “GAY!  GAY GAY GAYYYYYY!  SO GAY!”

Added Scalia, “So ghey.”

Breaking weeks of silence, Justice Clarence Thomas even chimed in as well.

“Haha,” said Thomas. “Yeah, pretty gay.”

In other news, Texas legislators have all agreed to reset their clocks, which, having not been calibrated for some time, tell the lawmakers it’s still 1953.

US Supreme Court Rules Against Gay Marriage Due to Lack of Changed Facebook Profile Pictures

1 Apr
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid heated national scrutiny Monday afternoon the Supreme Court handed down an unprecedented 5-4 decision denying LGBT individuals the right to marriage equality. The Court, in a fiery ruling composed by Justice Kennedy, upheld California’s Prop 8 banning same-sex marriage on the basis of a lack of social media presence.

While Kennedy’s decision cited multiple reasons for his ruling, his majority opinion predominantly focused on the popular Facebook trend of changing one’s profile picture to a pink equals sign superimposed on a red field.

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Supreme Court Power Rankings

28 Jun

Post-season rankings of the Supreme Court after one of the most crucial and contentious terms in the Court’s history.

Have you never seen a pair of amicus briefs before?

1. John Roberts
This man can charm the pants off anybody, anytime, anywhere. With a chin chiseled by angels and piercing blue eyes that are practically begging to undress you, the Chief Justice has us all wondering just what’s underneath that robe. After going rogue to uphold the ACA, it remains unclear if the Chief Justice John “Sexypants” Roberts will go forward tonight with his usual barroom pickup line of “Want to hammer my gavel?” or try out something new, like “Hey there baby. You look uninsured, but boy oh boy do I have an individual mandate for you!”

2. Ruth Bader Ginsburg
The Court’s oldest Justice goes hard in the paint. At an age when most other Americans are more concerned with driving 40 mph on the highway and shuttleboard, Ginsburg is holding up the liberal wing of the Court like it’s 1972. Right now, Ginsburg’s only concern is that her bff Kennedy isn’t so angry about today’s 5-4 decision that he calls off their annual end-of-term celebratory body shot of tequila on the Supreme Court steps.

3. Anthony Kennedy
The Court’s 5-time MVP is also it’s biggest tease, flaunting himself to both liberals and conservatives like a sorostitute five shots deep on Birthday Cake Smirnoff on a Thursday night. But just like that one Zeta you were hooking up with for like five minutes before she went to a different frat knows exactly what she wants, so too does Tony Kennedy: Liberty, free speech, Alito to stop referring to him as a “swinger,” and for somebody to please for the love of God explain the Citizens United ruling to him.

No other human on the planet has been described as “acerbic” as much as Scalia.

4. Antonin Scalia
You remember that one smarmy douchebag who was in your AP U.S. History class? Well, if he isn’t Ross Packingham, then chances are he’s just like Antonin Scalia, who also probably hasn’t been laid since Junior Prom. This may or may not be due to the Justice’s penchant for wearing a wig and tri-corner hat, grabbing his musket and quill, and pretending it’s 1787 on the weekends.

5. Sonia Sotomayor
Despite her numerous judicial strengths on the bench, Sotomayor continues to struggle with her biggest weakness: Insisting that she is a member of the Sharks, and refusing to speak to any members of the infamous Jet gang. This obsession reached a tipping point last week, when she nearly knifed Kennedy in a rumble.

6. Stephen Breyer
Still liberal. Still old. Still boring.

7. Samuel Alito
Alito suffered a major setback to his overall standings during Monday’s ruling on Arizona’s immigration law, when the Justice could not get Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved” out of his head, and started humming it just as Scalia delivered his dissent. Although his misstep drew sharp glances from his peers, it was a welcome reprieve from Alito’s usual favorite, Chingy’s “Right Thurr.”

Moments before going on a beer run to get more High Life for the Court.

8. Elena Kagan
Kagan’s still an untested rookie, eager to prove herself after being redshirted for much of the term due to her earlier work as Solicitor General. It doesn’t help that she bears the brunt of the Court’s hazing policies, which include having to take a shot every time the Chief Justice says the word “remanded” and carrying Ginsburg’s cancer medication for her.

9. Clarence Thomas
Thomas seems uninterested in doing much to improve his Supreme Court ranking. In fact, he seems uninterested in the Supreme Court in general.

If the Supreme Court was like the BCS…

27 Jun

One is a shadowy coalition of aging individuals who wield tremendous power and influence over an American institution, untethered by the popular will of the people or sheer common sense. The other is the BCS. What if the Supreme Court modeled itself after the Bowl Championship Series?

PLAYOFFS!?!? You’re talking about PLAYOFFS???

Skyrocketing CNN Ratings
People will immediately start paying attention to the bedraggled news network after the Court’s BCSification for the first time since, what, O.J. Simpson took a joyride? CNN will probably kick things off with two hours of live broadcasts from the National Mall for SCOTUS GameDay brought to you by the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, a legal entertainment show featuring highlights and predictions about the day’s constitutional adjudication from a renowned cast that includes Wolf Blitzer, Anderson Cooper, Lee Corso, Richard Posner, Paul D. Clement, and token babe with a microphone renowned journalist Erin Andrews. After SCOTUS GameDay comes to a close with Lee Corso wearing a mask of whichever justice he thinks will write the majority opinion, expect CNN to bring its viewers inside the courtroom to see the Supreme Court nine, too tempted by the promise of television revenue to maintain their no-camera policy, decide this nation’s fate in prime time. Tweens’ hearts will throb as the Chief Justice John “The Sledgehammer” Roberts disassembles decades of precedent, and old men will look at Justice Stephen Breyer and reminisce about the good old days, when being a liberal meant something and the best judges in the land served the highest court. Expect downsides to the television exposure as well, including seeing what Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg looks like in high definition, a page-shaving controversy regarding the length of judicial opinions, and Justice Clarence Thomas’ endorsement deal with Ambien.

Unnecessary Roughness
Now that America’s refs have entered the big time, they better clean up their game. Look for the Court to ixnay any lingering American laws or policies that constitute cruel or unusual punishment, like the death penalty, immigration law, or the past decade of Adam Sandler movies. Not that anything will keep Scalia from taking as many smug smarmy-ass cheap shots as he can. Or Thomas from getting flagged with illegal contact…

Future Chief Justice Tiffani

Decline of the Ivies
Just as Yale, Princeton, and the rest of the Ivy League slowly lost their competitive monopoly on college football, the Ivy League’s iron-fisted control over the Supreme Court will dissipate as the field broadens to include legal powerhouses like University of Southern California, Louisiana State University, Alabama University, and Texas Christian University — currently unranked in pre-season law school power rankings after having produced a combined 0 Supreme Court justices (can you say sleeper!?). Just as college football benefited from a diverse array of competition that infused the sport with new traditions and rivalry, it probably wouldn’t hurt this country if the nine people sitting in a room making some of our nation’s most important decisions did not all come from academic backgrounds like this.

Arbitrary Rulings
To be fair, the BCS and the Supreme Court really aren’t too far away from one another on this one. When you think about it, rulings on pass interference and maritime law are pretty damn subjective. I still wonder what would have happened in Bush v. Gore if a national champion had been crowned by using an algorithm that weighed two different polls and six computer ranking systems, but I know for a fact that Ralph Nader would definitely be the Boise State in that hypothetical situation.

Free Speech
This Court loves expanding first amendment protections almost as much as Justice Alito loves whipping the other justices with a wet towel in the Supreme Locker Room after a long hard day of hearings (I presume). Excessive Celebration penalties will be the first to go, giving way to the tantalizing possibility of Justice Kagan and Justice Sotomayor performing the chicken dance every time they pull off a victory. Kennedy, meanwhile, will probably be selling off all the naming rights he can to the highest bidders, until TD Ameritrade’s logo is emblazoned on all of the Justice’s robes as they walk into the U.S. Cellular Courthouse.

If the Court is a rockin, don’t come a knockin.

Give the people what they want
After a decade and a half of bitching, the BCS finally figured things out. Their solution isn’t perfect, but it’s a step in the right direction. A college playoff is the product of consensus building in order to satisfy the clearly expressed will of the people — fans and authorities coming together with the realization that the current system is broken and needs to be overhauled. Tomorrow, I certainly wouldn’t mind if the Supreme Court acted a bit more like the BCS and came together to uphold a less-than-perfect solution to the more-than-troubling health care dilemma facing this nation, a law that is the democratic product of the express will of the people. Much like a college football playoff system.

Things That Suck: Coffee

15 Dec

Coffee: Sir Twattingworth's anti-heroin

Fuck coffee.

I feel like a stranger in a strange land. Not because I’m the protagonist of a Robert Heinlein novel, but because I don’t drink caffeine. I’ll pause a moment to let your mouths fall agape as you shout “WAIT WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT.”

True story. I’ve never drunk coffee in my life. Okay, wait, there was that one time when I was a curious young four-year-old and my dad let me taste his coffee and I was so horrified that I jerked violently and spilled it all over my Charlie Brown pajama pants. But other than that I have usually abstained from the black stuff. And from Red Bull. And Monster, too. Fuck that shit.

Final exams may be over at Northwestern, but I know there are a bunch of other poor unfortunate souls out there who still have to cram months’ worth of learning into their skulls before exams. As a result they may, in all their mortal vulnerability, be tempted to turn to the evil that is caffeinated beverages. I am here to hold up my hand and say the same thing I would say to anyone planning to read Roberto Bolaño’s novel 2666: Don’t do it!

My body is like this temple, in that it is a temple.

That’s a picture of a temple. I included it in this article because, like the Baha’i Temple, my body is a temple. When I stay up till four in the morning writing a six page essay about what Henry David Thoreau would think about the Weather Underground, I do so simply on the sober strength of my own fucking willpower. I understand that if you start thinking about this metaphor, some obvious contradictions might jump out at you like the T-Rex face in my old dinosaur pop-up book. But I’ll remind you that most temples have alcohol in them. You can put wine into a temple without damaging it, and Christians have done so for ages. But something tells me that if you shot lightning at a temple to “give it energy,” you would really just blow up the temple. That’s my visualization of inserting caffeine into a human system.

Shoot a temple with lightning and it will never be intact again. Give me Red Bull and I will never sleep again. I have enough trouble as it is. The first time I stayed up past midnight on a day that wasn’t New Year’s Eve, it was all over for me. Once I crossed that threshold, it became impossible for me to ever fall asleep before midnight again. At night my productivity goes up, and I suddenly remember all the Grantland articles I wanted to read and all the episodes of Dragon Ball Z that I wanted to watch that I somehow forgot about during the daytime. Before I know it, it’s 2:30 and somehow the knowledge that I have to telemarket for three hours the next day doesn’t stop me from looking up YouTube clips of old Martin Luther King, Jr. speeches until my eyelids finally take executive action and shut themselves, only to be jarred awake hours later by an alarm just in time to swallow a mouthful of Cocoa Puffs before huffing it to my French class with all possible speed. No rest for the weary, and I am nothing if not weary.

I am not alone here. I have friends who drink coffee like it’s water. As a result, they go to bed at midnight and wake up at six every day. They think they’re fully functioning modern human beings. I think they’re more like zombie robots in danger of falling apart at any second. I don’t want to see that happen, so I’m finally coming out against the horrid black stuff.

She is hot. Coffee is awful.

That’s a subjective take on the general suckiness of caffeinated drinks, so I’ll throw in an objective approach as well. I feel like I shouldn’t have to mention this, since it is as inherently obvious as the blueness of the sky or the hotness of Kate Middleton, but caffeine is gross. Coffee is gross, and everybody secretly knows it. I’m not just talking about the people who pour mounds of sugar into their mugs to deaden their sorry souls to the fact that they’re drinking liquid poop. I’m talking about everyone. We all seem to have agreed to forget that coffee is disgusting, the way we all agreed to forget that George W. Bush was appointed President by the Supreme Court.

And not just coffee. Red Bull is gross too. I admit, I’ve tasted it a few times, and I’d sooner hang out with Michele Bachmann for a few hours than repeat the experience. But even if I hadn’t been capable of offering this personal testimony of awfulness, surely the list of ingredients – which looks like something Walter White might cook up in his basement to pay for chemotherapy – would probably be convincing enough. 4Loko actually tastes kind of good, but it’s illegal, so that’s a given. I won’t even talk about 5 hour energy drinks until they make better commercials. If my RTVF roommate could make a better commercial than the one you put on TV, you probably don’t deserve to exist, let alone be talked about in the valuable Internet real estate that is this website.

Would you rather drink coffee or eat poop?

I realize that this anti-caffeine argument is difficult. Sometimes the AP curriculum makes it seem as if the College Board just assumes that every AP student is injecting caffeine into their eyeballs (Either that or no one told them about the existence of time-consuming extracurriculars, but either way they’re a bunch of douchemuffins who gave me too much homework in high school). Then there’s the necessity of being a hipster in order to have any social currency in this hyper media-literate world. That means you need to read Pitchfork regularly and wear clothes originally designed for girls Europeans, but it mainly means that you need to spend a majority of your time in darkly lit indie cafes sipping black energy so you’re wide awake and prepared to unleash a shitstorm of ironic Tweets the next time Bon Iver releases a workout video. Caffeine has been so prevalent in our society for so long that we just accept it as a given fact of life. But the fact that people in the Eighties were accustomed to the idea of nuclear Armageddon didn’t make it okay. Nuclear holocaust is never okay, and neither is coffee, and don’t let Henry Kissinger tell you any different.

Society seems to have ordered its priorities like this:
1. Work
2. Sleep

But that is so, so wrong. Our society has forgotten the value of sleep. Let me tell you, there was one Saturday earlier this quarter when I slept until 3 pm. It was the greatest day of my life. We all need sleep to recuperate from the horrid heinousness of everyday life, and coffee prevents that. It sucks. Finals suck. Life sucks too. But you just need to get over it. Do it all natural or not at all, that’s my motto. Sleep well, my friends.

(And for those of you wondering about the fate of my aforementioned Charlie Brown pajama pants: They did not survive their encounter with coffee, and were promptly retired to the dustbin of history. The world is a worse place for it).

The 5 Historical Figures You’d Least Like To See at a Frat Party

2 Nov

Hmmm... why don't you make that THREE kegs of Busch Light

5. Henry Kissinger
I love getting into heated political discussions whilst heavily inebriated as much as the next guy, but there comes a point when you have to draw the line. Yes, Henry Kissinger was one of the greatest political thinkers of the 20th century, but that by no means gives him a place at a frat party. First of all, the guy is older than balls. We must consider the rule of three: If someone has lived to see three presidents die in office, they are too old to set foot in a frat house. Additionally, we must consider the other rule of three: If someone has spent three or more years of their life working under the Nixon administration, they are too heinous to set foot in a frat house.

4. William Howard Taft
Oh, for fuck’s sake! These things are already crowded enough. If we throw a 400-pound man into the mix, we’re completely forfeiting our ability to move. If he was excessively overweight but also cool, like Buddha, then it would be worth sacrificing our mobility, but in reality, he’s just a complete twat. And worse yet, knowing that the presidency didn’t satisfy Taft, and he became a member of the Supreme Court after his presidency, it’s probable that he would not be satisfied by frat parties, and would find it necessary to go The Keg afterwards – another establishment that is already too crowded and doesn’t need yet another morbidly obese man further clogging up the place.

I need a drink, and I need it NOW!

3. Susan B. Anthony
There are some things that feminists simply should not see. The 21st century is one of them. If Susan B. Anthony were to tragically find herself on the 3rd floor of SAE, there are a few possible outcomes. The most likely result is that she would spend about five minutes observing the social phenomenon before her, and then spend the remainder of the party obnoxiously screaming about the oppression of women. However, there’s always the off-chance that she would follow the mold, get unnecessarily trashed, and wake up the next morning on the roof of Swift next to some rando from Pike. Regardless, rather than experimenting with the frat scene, she would be better off where she is now: on the front of gold dollars that stopped being minted in 2001.

2. Charles Dickens
If Dickens couldn’t stand the living conditions of post-industrial England, there’s no way he could stand the living conditions of the DU basement. People go to frat parties to be social, not to watch some elderly British assbag sitting in a corner writing in a romanticized manner about the hardships of being dateraped. However, if Dickens were to experience a frat party, it would very likely have had a tremendous effect on his novels. Oliver Twist would have been ejected from his workhouse not for requesting more food, but for pregaming an 18-hour work shift. Other novels, such as Nicholas Nicklebro and A Tale of Two Titties, would even further deviate from Dickens’ traditional literary style.

Columbus wearing the traditional "party foul" tricorn hat

1. Christopher Columbus
For those of us who have been to frat parties at Northwestern, we know that there are already enough people on power-trips – doormen, bartenders, Sir Twattingworth III, and the like. The last thing we need is some dickbasket walking in, claiming the dilapidated ZBT house in the name of King Ferdinand of Spain, and transmitting diseases to sorority girls (syphilis, PiPhilis, GammaPhilis, etc.). Furthermore, his methods of colonization would hardly work at a frat party; the amount of germs being exchanged is already maximized, and it’s far too hot for anyone to accept a blanket. That being said, there’s something very charming about the notion of three wooden ships landing on North Beach.

10 American Historical Events That Totally Should Have Been Pregamed

7 Jul

For those of you out there in blogosphere who aren’t familiar with the up-and-coming trend of “pregaming,” it is a term that refers to the act of consuming alcohol before any event; it could be a football game, a musical, or even a 250-student lecture. Unfortunately, this trend of pregaming has only become a common cultural activity in recent years. We must wonder: How would history have been changed if previous generations were clinical alcoholics like ours is? Here are the top ten historical events that would have been infinitely better had all parties involved drained several shots of Jose Cuervo beforehand.

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Famous Moments in Hook Up History

6 Jul

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for two consenting parties to get their mutual rocks off, mankind has resorted time and time again to the perennial spectacle of the “Hook Up” in order to satisfy its carnal needs. From casual make-out sessions to all-out boot knocking, humans have been engaged in the barter of sexual favors pretty much ever since we evolved to develop the capacity for euphemisms, and at an increasingly rapid pace since the invention of alcohol, Cosmo, and the internet. But despite the interminable nature of this miraculous form of erotic consortium, there are some moments in hook up lore that truly stand above and beyond the rest of the fray. These aren’t just your run-of-the-mill regrettable one-night stands, but rather moments of extraordinary courage and fervor, where the libido of two humans changed the course of human history forever.

The evolutionary process enables humans to complete the walk of shame faster than any other mammal

48,000 BC: Caveman and Cavewoman
Historians have concluded that the first hook up in the history of man occurred approximately 20 minutes after Homo sapiens reached full behavioral modernity. The inaugural event, commemorated on cave walls and cave chat rooms everywhere, is rumored to have taken place at the annual Festival of the Woolly Mammoth, when a noticeably intoxicated caveman of the local Sig Ep tribe managed to seduce a female, forget her name at least three different times, and engage in a brief and thoroughly mediocre tryst with her. The next morning, the proud male reportedly never even considered hunting breakfast for her the next morning, and neglected to send smoke signals her way after a three-day waiting period. During their next encounter at a cave party in Lascoux, France, the two cordially greeted each other, but then quickly separated to avoid the shame and awkwardness that was to forever plague the human race.

Alright, my roommate's gone for the next 30 minutes. Let's see how fertile the Nile Delta really is.

41 BC: Cleopatra and Mark Antony
The inventor of the “power trip,” Cleopatra was never quite satisfied ruling over one of the greatest civilizations in the world or bearing Julius Caesar’s child. Instead, she cooped up in her love den with Marcus Antonius (the most tantalizing triumvir in all the Roman Empire) in what became one of the most geo-politically significant coitions of all time. Using highly sensitive facial recognition technology, archaeologists have determined that Cleopatra was approximately 56,000 times hotter than a combination between Brooklyn Decker and Pippa Middleton, which goes a long way to explaining why Antony preferred to get his freaky on in Alexandria than return to Rome and his wife Octavia. Pascal once that “Cleopatra’s nose, had it been shorter, the whole face of the world would have been changed,” which means that, had Cleopatra been less of a slampiece or Antony less of a gallant philanderer, Octavian might never have risen to power as Augustus, and the world never would have inherited such valuable cultural contributions from the Roman Empire as corrupt politicians, togas, and lax sexual mores.

"If I were casting for a modern film interpretation of our romance, I'd totally get Claire Danes to play you."

1591 AD: Romeo and Juliet
In a now classic move, two adolescents met each other for the first time at a lame party and fell instantly, nay noxiously, in love with the first person to ever requite their affection. This hook up practically wrote the template for horny teenagers using make-out sessions to rebel against their family, and imbued western society with a healthy dose of suspicion towards drug-dealing Friars that hang out with 15 year old girls. That, combined with the fact that any male who can recite the balcony scene is instantly guaranteed to get some at any time he so desires, makes Romeo and Juliet’s horrifically saccharine relationship qualify for a position amongst the masters of the art of the hook up.

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1788 AD: Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings
Jefferson’s 38-year relationship with his slave Hemings that produced 6 children born into slavery was not just one of numerous blights on American Presidential history and convoluted racial past, but also a testament to three of the most important aspects of most hook ups: lying, hypocrisy, and shame. It took major cojones to write that all men are created equal and born with unalienable rights, and then to turn around and use those cojones to knock up a slave. Like most other men, Jefferson never divulged the truth about his affair, and the shame of his duplicity still hangs over the nation even worse than the memory of that one time with those two theater majors and a bottle of rum.

You have no idea what's hidden beneath those robes.

1928 AD: Harry Blackmun and Tiffani Brooking
During Justice Blackmun’s junior year at Harvard, the Lambda Chi brother experienced a regrettable one-night stand with his Con Law study partner. The episode turned far more distressing, however, during the ensuing pregnancy scare. It is said that the tense period when Blackmun wondered if he would become a father at the age of 20 greatly affected the future Supreme Court Justice, eventually playing the deciding role in his authoring of the Court’s Roe v. Wade decision. The American hook up scene would be a much different world without Blackmun’s passionate advocacy of abortion rights, earning this jowly Minnesotan the distinction of having partaken in one of the most important hook ups in all hook up history.