May Heinous First-Round Results: PBR Division

Analysts are already comparing Napoleon/Columbus’ surprising defeat to the Bulls’ first-round folding.

Our analysts recap the first-round results of this year’s May Heinous tournament, starting with the Pabst Blue Ribbon Division. After four grueling beer pong matches, the teams of Warhol/Kerouac, Sacagawea/Hannibal, Austen/Hitler, and Darwin/Khomeini advance to the Sweet Sixteen, whose matches will be co-sponsored by Nutella inc. and the tourism bureau of the Syrian Arab Republic.

Now if only Warhol would get off the mescaline.

Napoleon Bonaparte/Christopher Columbus vs. Andy Warhol/Jack Kerouac
Winner: Andy Warhol/Jack Kerouac
Napoleon unsurprisingly opens the game by forcing everyone to pour Stella Artois into chalices rather than using the traditional red solo cup, which offends Warhol’s sense of pop culture. Kerouac calms everyone down, relating the situation to some bizarre story of how he once had sex while driving on Route 66. Columbus is unimpressed. The match begins, and Kerouac easily dominates the competition, despite Warhol’s tendency to suck spectacularly. Kerouac offers to drink Napoleon’s cups for him, saying that his size puts him at a disadvantage. Napoleon yells at him, saying that he’s the average height for his time. Kerouac winks at him. Napoleon’s frustration and sexual tension with Kerouac – in addition to Columbus’s syphilis – clear the way for a Warhol/Kerouac victory.
–Professor J. Reginald Vandernips

“And make sure your elbow doesn’t cross over the edge of the table.”

Sacagawea/Hannibal vs. General George McClellan/Margaret Sanger
Winner: Sacagawea/Hannibal
Despite concerns that her performance would be impaired by the fact that she took three or four dozen drags from the “peace pipe” before the match, Sacagawea carried her team to victory, sinking four out of her first five shots. Hannibal also performed well, aided by the fact that he took the majority of his shots from atop an elephant (a rather peculiar loophole in the IBPF regulations). McClellan was the disappointment of the day; in an interview after the loss, he blamed his “pussy-like qualities” for his inability to make more than three cups. To no one’s surprise, Margaret Sanger was completely useless, making only one measly fucking cup. This six-cup victory should launch Sacagawea and Hannibal into the Sweet Sixteen with considerable momentum.
–Ross Packingham

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?

Jane Austen/Adolf Hitler vs. General George Patton/Al Gore
Winner: Jane Austen/Adolf Hitler
Although we here at Sherman Ave were hoping for a Gore-Patton win, popular support was (once again) not enough to help Gore or his partner against Jane Austen and the Dubya of beer pong, otherwise known as Adolf Hitler. (Can you say “inconvenient truth?!?!?” LOLOLOL.) Austen’s aggression was most likely due to Hitler’s warnings against putting themselves in a weak position, as there was “irrefutable” evidence that Gore and Patton had weapons of mass destruction. (No such weapons were ever found). Although Austen and Hitler are advancing to the next round, there is a lingering air of mistrust that may impede future success.
–Krystal

Darwin and Khomeini also intend to compete in this Summer’s Beard Olympics.

Kate Chopin/Idi Amin vs. Charles Darwin/Ayatollah Khomeini
Winner: Charles Darwin/Ayatollah Khomeini
It was tough to speculate how this match was going to go, but many anticipated a strong showing from the Ugandan dictator. However, Idi Amin screwed the pooch just like he screwed his entire nation. His disappointing performance (paired with Chopin’s refusal to take a behind-the-back shot because it “perpetuates an oppressive and male-dominated society”) cleared the way for Darwin and Khomeini – a surprisingly cohesive team – to a speedy victory by a margin of 6 cups. The Evolutionist and the Revolutionist closed the game out by icing their opponents.
–Ross Packingham

Northwestern would TOTALLY be in the Final Four right now

Shurna leading us to hypothetical victory.

While the NCAA Tournament Selection Committee decided that NU didn’t technically “make the Tournament” the year and wasn’t in the “first six teams out” because the team “wasn’t very good” and “lost crucial games,” we at The Ave can’t help but imagine what would have happened if our boys had made the Dance. After careful consideration, it seems obvious that this team, arguably the third best in NU history (!), would be in the Final Four right now. Here’s how it would happen:

Game 1: Northwestern over Brigham Young
For argument’s sake we’ll pretend that the ‘Cats would have been one of the last four teams selected for the tourney, and thus forced to partake in a play-in game to make the field of 64. NU probably would have taken Iona’s place as a 14 seed (Gaels? Or GIRLS, ya dig?!), so we’ll pit Northwestern against BYU in this First Four matchup.

The ‘Cats at first seemed overmatched.  BYU won 26 games this year, features the skills of Brandon Davies, and has four players who averaged 10 or more points. NU would certainly lose this game against a skilled opponent. However, NU has one option at its disposal that the Cougz can’t match: the ability to twist a calendar. Start school on September 28th? Why not! Return from Winter Break the day after New Year’s? Easy! Finish finals in the middle of fucking summer? SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN. The ‘Cats easily change the tournament schedule to put this game on a Sunday. BYU, for religious reasons, does not play games on Sundays and is forced to forfeit (#MormonProblems). And just like that, NU is in the field of 64 and set for a second round matchup with Marquette!

Game 2: Northwestern over Marquette
Now I know it may seem as if Marquette is more talented than the BYU team that NU slipped by on a technicality. And it’s true! Marquette cruised through the Big East with 14 league wins and has tremendous talent in Darius Johnson-Odom and Jae Crowder. But do they call this March Monotony?* March Meh? March Mellow?! MARCH MENOPAUSE?! NO. It’s March Madness and anything can happen!

This is the time when Norfolk State figures out Mizzou doesn’t have a defense. The time when Bryce Drew can slide across the floor without ripping his skin off. The time when the transitive property should probably be considered as a rule of law and since Northwestern beat LSU and LSU beat Marquette then haha we win so go home and cry about it Marquette cause NU is going to the Round of 32 HEHEHEHE!

The Monstars were Carmody's backup choice.

Game 3: Northwestern over Murray State
This may be the ‘Cats biggest hurdle to date. NU has historically struggled against teams that are good at winning basketball games, and Murray State won 31 of them this year. NU falls behind early in this one, largely because Murray State appears to be faster, better coached, and more skilled than the ‘Cats. Northwestern had hoped to save their secret weapon for later in the tourney, but down 48-2 after just a minute and a half of play, they have no choice but to bring in Northwestern University President and Professional Crocodile Wrestler Morton Schapiro. Morty scores eleventy-seven-trillion points, blocks all of the shots, and grabs all of the rebounds before being ejected for “excessive girth.”

The ‘Cats return to their impotent ways without Morty in the lineup, but the clock works in their favor as they hold on to win eleventy-seven-trillion-plus-two to eleventy-seven-trillion-plus-one. And it’s on to the Sweet Sixteen!

Game 4: Northwestern over Florida
Florida, recognizing the danger posed by a hot Northwestern team (and we aren’t just talking about those four foot tall Nick Freundt heads), opts to bring in their own secret weapon: Tim Tebow. However, the plan goes awry with the realization that the two days Tebow has spent in New York since his trade to the Jets has completely corrupted him. Lil Timmy shows up tweaking on meth with a high-class escort on one arm and a hooker on the other**. His stunning turn to a life of sin appears to have zapped all his magic John 3:16 powers and he is completely ineffective.

The ‘Cats are similarly incompetent and the game seems destined for a 0-0 tie, until Tebow is called for a technical after he strips down nekked and runs around screaming and masturbating. John Shurna sinks the two free throws and NU takes the game. In a controversial move, Tebow is then put down by Pat Robertson. #YOLO

It got in the hole!

Game 5: Northwestern over Louisville
As the game nears tipoff, Louisville towers over Northwestern. The ‘Cats shrink in fear, awaiting a fate more painful than an Orgo midterm. Then suddenly, an idea pops into Reggie Hearn’s head; just moments before the game, he grabs a mic out of Erin Andrews’ sultry hands and announces to the world that he’s been carrying on an affair with Louisville coach Rick Pitino. Pitino, already frail from years of similar and incredibly accurate accusations, breaks down crying. He demands his whole team come give him a hug then runs away.

With no coach, Louisville struggles to stand up and breathe. Given literally hundreds of chances at an open layup, Luka Mirkovic sinks one at the buzzer for another 2-0 victory. With his bucket, the ‘Cats are into the Final Four!

I know you may be wondering what would happen to NU in the Final Four, but Sherman Ave deals exclusively with the facts and those games simply have not been played yet in the parallel universe I’ve described. To try to predict them would be absurd to say the least. Let’s try to stay grounded here, k? Great. Now go watch all the porn you can before President Santorum takes it all for himself.

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*Hat tip to that weird Greg Anthony commercial for something that I don’t remember
**For those of you who don’t follow New York politics: A high-class escort is a prostitute for rich and important people, while a hooker is a prostitute for the rest of us. Since Tebow is apparently rich and important it makes sense he has an escort, but since he isn’t actually much better at football than the rest of us I think he was required by law to get a hooker too. Damn Obamacare.