2013: Net Gain or Net Loss? A Quantitative Review

These days, everything seems to have some sort of measurement system. We have heights and weights, salaries and rankings, Klout scores, GPAs, BACs — it seems like everything must be put into numeric terms. Accordingly, we’ve put together a comprehensive review of 2013, scored with our proprietary scoring system. Every significant event of 2013 will be judged on a scale of -5 to +5. A score of -5 means the event made the world a much worse place, and a score of +5 means the event made the world a much better place. Let’s take a look back at 2013 and see where our world lies after the year’s events.

Sherman Ave Homecoming Court Voter Guide: Alex Matelski

In June, Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, that’s because that was June and this is September and that’s how time works. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!

Packingham: Can we get you anything? Some water? Skol?

Matelski: No, I’m good on that. Thanks.

Twattingworth: Do you think you’d rule the Homecoming Court like LeBron James on the basketball court or John Roberts on the Supreme Court?

Matelski: I would say neither. I would say that I would rule it probably more like Rafael Nadal on a clay court.

Twattingworth: Who would you say has been the biggest influence on your life in the last 14 minutes?

Matelski: Last 14 minutes? I would say (Evander Jones) and his falling down pants. They’ve really inspired me to keep my pants at my waist.

Evander Jones: Your life must be so sad right now.

Twattingworth: What’s your major?

Matelski: My major is biology and Spanish, double major. Pre-med.

Twattingworth: That’s great. Do you have any job prospects from that yet? What’s the average median income in the field? Are a lot of places hiring? Do you know what you’re doing after graduation? Why aren’t you married yet?

Matelski: Well the last question can be brought down to my mother. But aside from that I think that there a few jobs in the doctor field, I’ll probably be making anywhere from minimum wage to maybe $9 an hour. Hopefully that’ll increase at some point in the future if the Democrats win again.

8 Adorable Kittens that are Members of the Westboro Baptist Church

So we all know kittens are super, duper cute. Nothing can change that – not even if the kittens in question are hyper-bigoted homophobes. Here are some kittens that will definitely make you say “it’s the 21^st century – it’s time to accept America as the great diverse nation it is!”

Amanda Bynes: Master Troll

Troll

Do you ever think about the celebrity infatuation that exists in this county?

The generous amount of on-air time spent covering the Hollywood aristocracy would make any publicity-seeking radical weep into their manifestos. This is especially true with the celebrity meltdown, the fall from grace which has become a parody of itself. The drugs, the denials, the arrests, it has all become so cliché that you need to spice it up nowadays if you want attention (e.g. with racism, animal abuse, revanchism, etc.).