Tag Archives: Tech

BREAKING: Northwestern Plans to Rename Many Building Acronyms to LGBT

8 May

Evanston, Il.— In response to the anti-gay flyers handed out at Northwestern’s Arch this afternoon, Northwestern University has decided to replace some of Northwestern’s acronyms with acronyms that are more LGBT friendly to show support for Northwestern’s queer students.

Rainbow_flag_and_blue_skies

“We think this flyer situation is Continue reading

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Famous Movie Quotes Spoken by Hodor from Game of Thrones

13 Apr

If you haven’t seen Game of Thrones or read A Song of Ice and Fire books THEN YOU FUCKING SHOULD BECAUSE GEORGE R. R. MARTIN WENT TO NORTHWESTERN FOR 5 YEARS, HE WAS A MEDILLDO AND HE TRAVERSED THE HALLS OF TECH AND HE WALKED TO CLASS IN SHITTY WEATHER AND HE WAS SO INSPIRED THAT HE WROTE A FUCKING BOOK ABOUT COLD AND DOOM AND MISERY.

There’s also a lot of sex in Game of Thrones.

But we all know none of that came from Northwestern.

In Game of Thrones, there’s a character named Hodor who never says anything except “Hodor.” He’s also the most devilishly handsome character on the TV show, and a regular fan-favorite. Part of Hodor’s charm is that he uses the phrase “Hodor” in place of any actual words. To demonstrate, Sherman Ave has translated some of the best movie quotes of all time into Hodor-ese.

So hodor to your hodor! Hodor hodor and remember, hodor

 

ShermanAveHodorTheGraduate

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An Interpretation of a Northwestern Tour

3 Mar
(via Northwestern)

Remember green things?  (via Northwestern)

SCENE: Northwestern University’s Campus. An unexpected blizzard is beginning to pick up force. Temperatures hover in the single digits. A Northwestern tour group leaves the tour guide building and heads north to take in the sights.

Tour Guide: The weather usually isn’t like this, I promise!

Interpretation: Yeah, usually it’s a lot worse. Notice how you’re able to expose parts of your flesh to the air? It’s almost NEVER nice enough to do that! You guys lucked out!

Tour Guide: We’ll have to go down this path right here, since university construction crews are working on improving and beautifying our campus on all the other paths, and they’re currently closed. But soon Northwestern will be even better! Exciting things in the works!

Interpretation: Continue reading

The Best Places To Take A Shit On Campus

28 Jan

“Everybody poops, you are not alone”- Radiohead

Up until going abroad a few months ago (in a place with not-so-great toilets, as it were), I had a really hard time dropping a deuce anywhere but home. It wasn’t that I couldn’t; in a high stress, emergency scenario, I was perfectly capable of using a public toilet. But it was never a comfortable experience, and despite my recent maturation, pooping in a public place is still something of a trying experience for me.

It may well be that I am alone in struggling to drop trou in public restrooms. I have a hard time believing that I am #foreveralone, but even if we say for the sake of argument that I am, I’m still sure that everyone, I mean virtually EVERY man, woman, child, and other, prefers to poop in comfortable circumstances. It’s why dogs prefer the grass to the sidewalk, why cats prefer anywhere but the litter box to the litter box (wait no that’s because cats are total dicks nevermind).

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Northwestern Chemistry Department to be Kicked Off Campus

25 Oct
Students entering the Hippocratic pledge process.

Students entering the Hippocratic pledge process.

EVANSTON–Citing the highly publicized recent death of a Northwestern University sophomore’s social life, The Interfraternity Council has announced its intention to open an investigation into homework-related hazing at the hands of Northwestern University Chemistry Professors.

The announcement came as little surprise, as suspicions have long swirled that the Northwestern Chemistry Professors practice severe hazing.  Rumored hazing rituals include depriving students of sleep, trapping students in an enclosed room and forcing them to memorize senseless facts, and even keeping pre-meds in Tech for days at a time.

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A Non-Engineer’s Guide to Camping Out in Tech

25 Sep

It’s a Friday afternoon, you need to get some work done before you go to that theater party tonight and you’re tired of Main Library because that building looks like an alien spaceship ate 700 bags of Ready Mix concrete and took a 3-hour shit right on the Lakefill’s backyard.

So you figure now is as good a time as any to check out the dungeon where Dick Cheney sucks the blood out of goats Tech.

Allow me to inform you that you have fucked up now.

After 4 minutes and 35 seconds of trying Continue reading

4 Places That Are Worse Than Detroit

26 Jul
The Iconic “Spirit of Detroit” monument.  In its left and right hands are Detroit mascots Ulrich the Urchin and “The Naked Nicklesons”, respectively.

The Iconic “Spirit of Detroit” monument. In its left and right hands are Detroit mascots Ulrich the Urchin and “The Naked Nicklesons”, respectively.

Unless you owe somebody $18 billion, you have more money than the city of Detroit.

Detroit recently announced that it is declaring Chapter 9 bankruptcy, because, in Detroit, the best and most proven way to solve a problem is to give up.  The tragicomedy of the situation, of course, is that it couldn’t even succeed in declaring itself a failure; in essence, even having no money is too much money for Detroit to be able to handle.  While there are multiple reasons (a shrinking population, too many public sector employees, this guy named Kwame Kilpatrick, etc.) why Detroit is in the situation it’s in now, those are too hard to understand; and if college has taught me anything, it’s that the best way to declare yourself an expert on a subject is to be really loud, vocal, and domineering about that subject while doing as little research as possible, because, as everyone age 16-28 knows, intelligence is directly proportional to the amount of Facebook posts you have about Egypt.

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Four Northwestern-Themed Sharknado Sequels That Need To Be Made

19 Jul

Last week, Internet informed me of a great documentary called “Sharknado” about what happens when sharks have sex with tornadoes. Now I think it’s time that we brought the matter a little closer to home and started developing a few Northwestern-themed Sharknado sequels. So yes, Continue reading

30 More Things That Go Through The Mind Of Every Northwestern Student (Almost) Every Day

30 Apr
Is it true that Morty once took Margaret Thatcher to a nice dinner and never called her back?

Is it true that Morty once took Margaret Thatcher to a nice dinner and never called her back?

Because 33 things that go through the mind of every Northwestern student (almost) every day just wasn’t enough.

1) OF ALL THE GIN JOINTS IN ALL THE WORLD WHY DID TISDAHL HAVE TO SHUT DOWN MINE.

2) No but it’s fine The Keg wasn’t that great I’ll just go somewhere else in Evanston OH MY GOD THERE IS NO WHERE ELSE.

3) TIIIIIISSSSSSSDAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

4) It’s April. Why the fuck do I need to wear a Northface in April.

5) If BK was a McDonalds I would be broke and fat.

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Keg Week 2013: The Eulogy

8 Apr
Tonight, we're popping popcorn in your honor.

Tonight, we’re popping popcorn in your honor.

One week ago Sunday, The Keg of Evanston closed its doors for the very last time. Tonight we conclude our Keg Week 2013 with what may–for better or worse–be the very last article we ever post about TKOE.

At this point, more words have been spilled over that shit-hole Evanston bar than Bud Light out of a big cup. Don’t worry, this epitaph will be about as brief as a dance floor hookup, and hopefully a shade less awkward.

Think of all the geographic locations pertaining to Northwestern. The Arch. The Rock. The Frat Quad. The Black House. Willard. Searle Hall. The Lakefill. Tech. Norris. Ryan Field. The Steam Tunnels. Deering. CVS. The Howard El Stop. That One Bench You Totally Made Out On With Your PA.

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