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Tag Archives: terrorism

7 Times Jennifer Lawrence Got Away with a Crime Because She’s So Quirky

28 Feb

1. Stealing from an Orphanage

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Stale bread is the main source of nutrition at Saint Bethesda’s Home for Little Girls with No Parents and Many Disabilities. Those parentless, limbless little girls salivated at the thought of a stale French roll. Jennifer Lawrence would not let them have that happiness.

On February 20, 2014, the orphans huddled around the bread truck’s exhaust pipe to stay warm. The delivery man stepped out of the truck and opened the bed for a group of girls crying tears of joy at the thought of a winter donation. None of the orphans expected Jennifer Lawrence to be sitting in an empty truck, gorging herself on the final crumb. J-Law calmed the sobbing orphans by saying, “But, I eat pizza and I’m not all too concerned with my body image! Doopity doopity doo.” The orphans proceeded to laugh as if nothing had happened. J-Law proceeded to spread her wings and fly off into the night, taking an orphan in her claws back to her nest in Los Angeles.

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Revelations from the News of the World wiretaps

14 Jul

Don't let the jowels deceive you: This man is as evil as he is shrewd

As if the world needed further proof of Ruport Murdoch’s penchant for pure evil, the Master of Misinformation has recently become embroiled in a scandal of heinous proportions. Allegations are swirling that Murdoch’s best-selling tabloid, the News of the World, has widely engaged in illegal phone hacking over the years in order to intercept the voicemails of numerous public figures, including victims of terrorism and murder. Not that we ever held the “News of the Screws” to particularly high ethical levels, but it seems that most Brits expected the tabloid to have developed a slightly higher morality than Nixon. But now, thanks to our shady underworld connections, we have uncovered and poured over the secret trove of the results of nearly 168 years of wiretapping conducted by the News of the World, and are now prepared to share their revelations with the rest of the world:

-Thanks to a loophole in Parliamentary Procedure, Hugh Grant accidentally served as acting Prime Minister for three days in 2008 while Gordon Brown was out sick with the flu.

-Sean Connery cries at the end of Love Actually every time.

-Queen Victoria suffered from a severe schoolgirl crush on Jefferson Davis during his tenure as President of the Confederate States of America.

-John Lennon’s favorite past time during recording sessions was to prank call Scotland Yard and repeatedly ask to speak to “Mike Rotch.”

-Christopher Nolan cannot get to sleep at night without masturbating to at least one of his own movies.

-David Cameron never returns Nick Clegg’s phone calls.

-Gilbert and Sullivan’s comic opera H.M.S. Pinafore was originally conceived as a rock opera chronicling W.S. Gilbert’s forays into England’s Victorian-era sexual underground.

-It took King George VI nearly four months to learn how to correctly say, “Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?”

-The England National Football Team is never as good as the expectations.

-Prime Minister John Major secretly thought that Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge was a pompous jackass.

-Oasis vocalist Liam Gallagher totally hooked up with Princess Di in the loo of at least 3 different Manchester clubs. Gallagher would later regret breaking their tryst off because it was making him an “emotional wreck.”

-Oscar Wilde spent 97% of his time rehearsing witticisms to drop while mingling in high society.

-Margaret Thatcher’s eyes emit a powerful laser, hot enough to burn a socialist alive in .67 seconds, and bring the Falkland Islands to their knees.

-Harry Potter is still awaiting trial regarding his vigilante form of justice.

-Helena Bonham Carter and husband Tim Burton engage in the strangest sex known to man.

-David Beckham is rumored to play for a soccer club known to some as the “LA Galaxy,” a supposed American professional soccer club and member of the mythical and shadowy organization dubbed the “MLS.”

-Elizabeth II was extraordinarily disappointed when Prince William decided to marry Kate Middleton, citing reports that Pippa Middleton is clearly the hotter of the two.

-Rupurt Murdoch is still a tremendous asshole.