Texting Hillary is my everything

Bet you anything she's sexting Howard Dean

By now, if you spend 23 hours and 45 minutes a day on the internet machine (15 minutes to shit and shower #hygiene) then you’ve probably seen the baller-fest that is this picture of Madame Secretary Hillary “Pimpz N Shit” Clinton. She sits in some sort of world-controlling military death machine, casually texting some biddies in her knock-off Ray Bans. The picture is, in essence, everything that shows why we need Hill to run for all of the offices in 2016. But why is this pikcha tearing up the online webverse? We’ve got a few ideas:

There’s like a 98% chance she’s sending an order to take out a terrorist
If you’re one of the bad people, this photo should give you shivers all up and down your spine and your neck and your heel and your inner thigh and your kneecap. That is the look of a woman who does not GAF at all. You just know she’s telling them to “try” to capture the terrorist, but if it just so happens that the only option is to fire indiscriminately into the room without looking, then so be it.*

She’s calmer than everyone because she’s smarter than everyone
LOL, look at everyone hurrying around in the background. What’re ya’ll doing? Trying to matter? Don’t even bother, your girl has it under control. See those stacks of paper in front of her? Those contain the knowledge. She has them memorized. U don’t. Put your laptops away, get off your phones, and sit quietly until Madame Secretary tells you to speak.

Hill has never looked better
Remember 90’s Hillary? With the headbands and the bright lipstick? GONE. What about 2008 Hillary? With those brightly colored pant suits? NAH MAN. This is HBIC attire at its finest. The dark suit says she may not have a pen15, but she’s got like 12 balls. The sunglasses say you don’t have the privelege of knowing where she’s looking. The Blackberry says she likes to have email at her fingertips, but a game of Angry Birds every now and then is great too. This is a woman who knows how to present herself, and we don’t hate it one bit.

The black and white makes it classy as shit
Woahhh this is so artsy. If only we could Instagram it so the hipsters can see it too.

Nuff said

It’s memeable
Fun fact: this is the most important attribute in any photo. If there isn’t a recurring theme that can be explained in a few short words of white text, why even bother putting the photo online? Like, what are we supposed to do with it? Look at it and not be heinous? YA, NO THANKS. PASS ON THAT ONE. This shit is splendid.

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*NOTE: Sherman Ave fully supports the Geneva Convention, United Nations Declaration of Human Rights, and not war crimes. Plz don’t interpret that to mean we like war crimes. #KONY2012, ya dig?

The Sandra Fluke Rule

Rush: The Human Douche-Strudel

Last week, human colonoscopy Rush Limbaugh launched a three-day offensive against Georgetown Law student Sandra Fluke after Fluke was denied the opportunity to testify before a congressional panel on contraception. Fluke had intended to share her opinion that private institutions such as G-Tizzle should be required to offer health care plans that offer birth control at no extra cost to women.

Yet crocodile anus Rush Limbaugh decided this meant she accepted cash or other forms of payment in exchange for sexual intercourse with another human being and called her a “slut” and a “prostitute” before demanding that Fluke release tapes of said intercourse for him to touch his pee-pee to. Limbaugh, an ingrown toenail, has faced significant backlash for his statements, which is obviously quite unfair. To back up synthetic diarrhetic Rush Limbaugh’s attacks on the harlot, we’ve developed a quick list of other incredibly offensive names we should apply to people who do extraordinarily normal things:

People who use cafeterias in schools: Lard-asses
You fatsos have the nerve to demand that schools let you just stuff your faces all day long? Wow, that’s really taking morbid obesity to the next level. Why don’t you all just not eat all day ever? That’d make things a lot easier for the rest of us, you overweight calorie dumpsters. It’s embarrassing that you honestly think you should be given a public place to engage in your disgusting food orgy. THINK OF THE FUCKING CHILDREN.

People who have a tutor: Euthanizable Idiots
If you don’t know how to do differential calculus on your own, you should be removed from the gene pool, plain and simple. This is an inherently American concept and anyone who even slightly disagrees is a terrorist.

People who hug their kids: Child Molesters
These are people who want us to just stand by and watch as they lay hands on children. The most disgusting of individuals, I cannot see why these child-hugging monsters have not been arrested, forced to report themselves to their neighbors and removed from within a half-mile radius of schools. I’m thoroughly sickened by these perverts and it definitely has nothing to do with not having been hugged as a child.

People who are on life-support: Drug Addicts
They’re so dependent on that steady stream of sweet, sweet drugs that they’d literally die if we took it away. That’s actually the definition of an addiction. Too easy. Now take the goods away from these society-ruining deadbeats and watch the economy flourish. Just watch. It’s totally gonna happen.

Are you the fucker who didn’t say hi to me on Sheridan Road?

People who walk on sidewalks: Genocidal Maniacs
This one may take a minute but I promise it’s well thought out. Ok, so who pays for sidewalks? We, the taxpayers, do as a community. So the COMMUNEity pays for sidewalks. It’s basically a sidewalk-obsessed commune of neo-commies laying down concrete and making us all walk in their Marxist line. You know who else loved communes and marching in lines? Joseph Stalin, that’s who. Anyone who uses a sidewalk is Joseph Stalin.

People who coach football: Jerry Sandusky
He coached football. Transitive property says everyone who coaches football is him. Look it up, bro. But don’t you fucking dare get a tutor to explain it, you euthanizable idiot.

People who use a radio show to accuse law students of being hookers: Chodes
Rush Limbaugh is a mildew.

UPDATED: How to Watch the Super Bowl

Act confused when informed that no team from New York is in the game.

The Game is here! After weeks of buildup and waiting, it’s finally time for the NFL Championship Super Bowl of Championshipness to Decide It All. You probably have some friends who are fans of either the New York Giants Baltimore Ravens or the New England Patriots San Francisco 49ers (those are the teams playing in it, ok?). And there’s a pretty good chance you’ll watch it with some people who are quite emotionally invested in this particular football pigskin gridiron matchup showdown game.

So, in our continuing series of helpful tips, we at The Ave want to offer a few suggestions on how to be as heinous as possible during any Super Bowl party:

• Wear the jersey of a team that isn’t playing and bring an #Occupy sign and rant about how unfair it is that 1% of the teams get 99% of the Super Bowl. Spout various anti-elite slogans, set up a tent, and grossly overstay your welcome.

• Ask loudly and repeatedly when the Puppy Bowl is on. Scoff loudly if anyone informs you that you’re at a Super Bowl party and proceed to attempt to take bets on which puppy will poop first.

• If the host asked everyone to bring a snack to share, make sure to bring plain pita chips with no hummus or dip. Proudly offer them up to replace the main meal and announce that you read on the Internet that pita chips are great for your colon. If anyone goes for normal, good-tasting chips you must glare at them and ask if they even care about their colon health.

• Declare repeatedly that you’re pretty sure the coin toss decides the whole game. Keep asking who won the coin toss and alternatively celebrate or start crying when you’re told.

Be sure to dress appropriately!

• Come absurdly prepared with stats, charts and play breakdowns. Repeatedly pause the game to show everyone what just happened and why it should have been anticipated by the defense. Act like this doesn’t make you the single worst human being ever.

• Complain that the halftime show isn’t gaudy enough. Demand more fireworks.

• At halftime, recoil in horror when Madonna start screaming and peeing with joy when Beyonce comes out. Ask if she’s a real human being or if this means “they have finally arrived.” this is the second coming. Weep openly.

• Attempt to start a debate about whether the two-minute warning should be introduced at the college level. Tell everyone what a difference it would make and unironically declare that Oklahoma would be national champs if there was a two minute warning. Use that as your sole piece of evidence.

• Tell everyone about every single bet you’ve made on the game a minimum of three times. Shout with disproportionate anger or joy every time you lose or win a bet. Try to get everyone else to cheer with you. Call it your DM fundraiser and accuse anyone not cheering of hating kids with cancer.

• If the game is close in the last two minutes, feverishly attempt to convince everyone to pause the game so you can watch the latest episode of Alcatraz Catfish. If they resist tell them they just don’t understand good television and laugh condescendingly.

• Get way drunker than everyone else and belt out every patriotic song you can think of for the entirety of the third quarter.*

• When the game is over, refuse to watch the trophy presentation because the trophy is named after Vince Lombardi and the Packers suck.

• Study for your Consumer Insight midterm for the entire game. In any quiet moment yell “social comparison involves seeing yourself through the prism of everyone else around you!” and then look around for confirmation. If others seem confused, inform them that your midterm is at 10 a.m. on Monday because your professor is a football terrorist.

Bring enough food for 12.

• Live tweet the entire thing. Tag a famous person in every tweet and act offended when they don’t promptly respond. Read every tweet aloud then ask everyone to check on their phones that the tweet sent. Giggle about every tweet you send.

• UPDATED for 2013: Accuse anyone rooting for the Niners of hating gay people and anyone rooting for the Ravens of being a murderer. Say you only root for the London Sillynannies because you aren’t a xenophobe.

Now, if this doesn’t seem to work you can always just try being a fan of Tim Tebow. That usually annoys people enough and is quite easy, assuming you have no moral compass or sense of goodness in the world.

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*This actually makes you the best person alive.