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Tag Archives: The Rock

An Interpretation of a Northwestern Tour

3 Mar
(via Northwestern)

Remember green things?  (via Northwestern)

SCENE: Northwestern University’s Campus. An unexpected blizzard is beginning to pick up force. Temperatures hover in the single digits. A Northwestern tour group leaves the tour guide building and heads north to take in the sights.

Tour Guide: The weather usually isn’t like this, I promise!

Interpretation: Yeah, usually it’s a lot worse. Notice how you’re able to expose parts of your flesh to the air? It’s almost NEVER nice enough to do that! You guys lucked out!

Tour Guide: We’ll have to go down this path right here, since university construction crews are working on improving and beautifying our campus on all the other paths, and they’re currently closed. But soon Northwestern will be even better! Exciting things in the works!

Interpretation: Continue reading

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The Northwestern Bucket List: A Beginner’s Guide

1 Dec

1. Skinny dip in Lake Michigan

Lake Michigan at Night...SpoOoOoOoOoOoky!!!!!

Lake Michigan at Night…SpoOoOoOoOoOoky!!!!!

You know that scene in a lot of horror movies when the attractive and racially diverse group of rambunctious friends goes to a beach house or a remote cottage near a lake and the two who have the most sexual tension decide to go off alone and go skinny dipping?  And the girl maybe does a striptease and the guy maybe will say something like “you’ve got a killer body” and this is supposed to simultaneously showcase their sinful lust while foreshadowing the impending doom that they deserve as immoral sex-demons.  And then the swamp monster(s)/psycho nerd they once picked on/contrived Final Destination scenario eventually kills them, maybe while they’re playing a sexy game of Marco Polo or something?  Yeah, that totally won’t happen to you. Continue reading

Keg Week 2013: The Eulogy

8 Apr
Tonight, we're popping popcorn in your honor.

Tonight, we’re popping popcorn in your honor.

One week ago Sunday, The Keg of Evanston closed its doors for the very last time. Tonight we conclude our Keg Week 2013 with what may–for better or worse–be the very last article we ever post about TKOE.

At this point, more words have been spilled over that shit-hole Evanston bar than Bud Light out of a big cup. Don’t worry, this epitaph will be about as brief as a dance floor hookup, and hopefully a shade less awkward.

Think of all the geographic locations pertaining to Northwestern. The Arch. The Rock. The Frat Quad. The Black House. Willard. Searle Hall. The Lakefill. Tech. Norris. Ryan Field. The Steam Tunnels. Deering. CVS. The Howard El Stop. That One Bench You Totally Made Out On With Your PA.

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Tour Guide at Loss to Explain Student Protest

28 Feb
What is this, Berkeley?

What is this, Berkeley?

EVANSTON — At approximately 2:07 pm this afternoon, student tour guide Jane Woodward remained at a total and complete loss as to how best to explain a developing student protest to her tour group.

According to eyewitness reports, Ms. Woodward (Comm, ’15) was unable to adequately respond to questions addressed to her regarding the hundred-plus students gathered at The Rock to protest the hegemonic culture of white privilege and institutional racism at Northwestern University. Nor was Woodward able to cast the protestors’ claims that Northwestern perpetuates racist and sexist ideals in a manner that would entice prospective students to apply for undergraduate admission to NU.

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Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Campus

23 Aug

Just remember: The lake is East

I’m going to be brutally honest: Your first week on campus is going to be awkward as tits. Think of that time you watched Superbad with your parents, combine it with that time Severus Snape’s doppelganger was lurking at The Keg, multiply that by twenty, and that’s roughly how awkward it’s going to be. However, one surefire way to minimize this apocalyptic awkwardness is by knowing your way around campus; the Awk Hawk loves nothing more than watching a lanyard-sporting freshman discreetly approach a group of upperclassmen and feebly ask for directions to Sheridan Road. Therefore, in my never-ending mission to better the world around me and help those in need, I have developed a descriptive blueprint of the nation’s 47th most attractive campus.

KEY BUILDINGS

Tech

Also sporting the least coherent room numbering system known to man

Soon to be known as “that one building we drunkenly roamed three times a week during fall quarter,” the Technological Institute (Tech, for short) is one of the main buildings on campus. This North Campus structure – as any tour guide will obnoxiously boast – is the 2nd largest low-rise building in the United States, right behind the Pentagon (a building which, ruefully, is much harder to get into at 3:30am on a Saturday). Home to science majors, math majors, and a few other majors that appeal solely to Asians, Tech is a very mysterious entity to many South Campus students. I would certainly advise the intoxicated exploration of this building, but beware: Your idea to bathe in the emergency shower on the way back from the Frat Quad is not as brilliant as it may seem.

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