Jack White sues Miami Heat fans to never chant “Seven Nation Army” again

Miami, Fla.–The most recent celebrity case to hit the courts comes from Jack White, who is as much of one half of the White Stripes as Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh were equal parts of the Big 3. The creator of the song “Seven Nation Army” has come out publicly stating that the city of Miami is to cease and desist from chanting his song lest they be sued for a reported figure of $1.2 billion dollars.

The White Stripes Announce Official Break-up

We were totally into them way before Napoleon Dynamite

Today shall go down as a demoralizingly sad day in history for all music fans who love Detroit Blues-influenced Alternative Rock, crazy music videos, and exceptionally shitty drumming. The White Stripes announced this morning, via their website, that the band has officially ended, and no more new recordings or tour dates are in the works. Jack and Meg White, the enigmatic yet eccentric duo that became one of the most successful and popular alternative bands of the past decade, explained their decision as an attempt “to preserve what is beautiful and special about the band and have it stay that way,” and added by solemnly declaring that, “The White Stripes do not belong to Meg and Jack anymore. The White Stripes belong to you now and you can do with it whatever you want.”

There’s a lot to be said about just how much The White Stripes meant to their fans and the alternative music scene in general. Jack White, one of the more creative and talented, albeit crazy, modern musicians, will continue to do his thing with bands like The Raconteurs and The Dead Weather. But none of these bands will probably ever match the excitement and unique complexion found within the music of The White Stripes. In the end, all we can do is wish the band a hearty “so long” for now, and wait for a reunion tour with bated breath.